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 Posted: Fri Dec 31, 2010 10:40 am
Moonlight filtered through the tree branches, illuminating fragments of the path before me. Rocks dug into my now bare feet painfully as I ran. I gritted my teeth and ran faster. The path twisted and turned as if it were trying to throw me off. I only hoped I wouldn’t end up where I began.
“Miranda?” The haunting tone of the child shook my nerves, turning my blood ice cold. I failed to notice the rock in my path as I tripped on it, falling over and slicing open my forearm on the path. I curled into a ball, silent tears streaming down my face. Now I could never free my mother and sister from Vassari’s clutches. Bidding no sound to come out of me, I clenched my teeth and waited for the end.
Long fingernails grasped my shoulder. I forced myself to stay still and not flinch. Vassari breathed lightly in my ear and I was tempted to cry out.
“Miranda, you of all people should know it is impossible to escape me,” Vassari purred. I rolled away from her and swung my fist out blindly. The child caught it and bent it painfully upward, causing me to fall to my knees and gasp in pain. Her eyes blazed red and her image shuddered as black tendrils of energy writhed around her.
Vassari was a Demoness. I had no words to describe what she was, why she became it, or how.
“Don’t touch me,” She hissed venomously. My eyes widened as hers became slits.
Slowly after many tense minutes with my heart beating franticly in my chest, the black energy began to recede and Vassari’s eyes returned to normal. I began to pull away but her grip was still solid on my hand. Her nails dug painfully into my skin.
“You know Miranda, you should become a Demoness. You fit the part more than you think,” Vassari said. My eyes widened in horror as I tried again to pull away. Vassari smiled and tightened her grip, beads of scarlet appearing beneath her nails. I but my lip and blinked away tears. “Not even for your sister’s and mother’s benefit?” She then asked.
“You would do that?” I asked stopping my struggle and listening intently to her. Vassari’s eyes glittered as she nodded and I sighed, knowing I had no other choice. Vassari would probably kill them if I refused anyway.
“Well why don’t we head back to the castle and you can think of it on the way there,” Vassari said pulling me up. I shook out my injured hand and smeared the blood on my tattered black slip. Vassari pulled me along and I wondered how it would seem to someone watching, a girl leading a woman to a castle straight out of a fairytale.
And a fairytale is what I thought my life was until I was older. Then my sister Aranthea and I saw that the servants we called on were no more than starved slaves. My mother was Vassari’s personal assistant and considered one of the best off. Still she was scrawny and weak, her body unable to fully recuperate from the illness that she and my father had contracted, and Father had never come out of. The thing I feared most about my choice was that it would break my mother’s already broken heart.
Any feedback would be lovely.
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Posted: Fri Dec 31, 2010 12:10 pm
It's nice, but the way you portray Miranda makes it unclear as to how old she is. You refer to her as a woman, which, to me, suggests 25+. However, the way she acts is more reminiscent of someone much younger, maybe16-18.
Also, with the Demoness Vassari, you say she's a child. You could make her scarier by mixing childish mannerisms with bloodlust. You're on the right track with having her speak like someone much older than she is.
One of the other things you talk about in your last few paragraphs could use a little reworking. You say "Then my sister Aranthea and I saw that the servants we called on were no more than starved slaves. Our mother was... considered the best off..." It confused me. Did you mean to say that their mother was also a slave while the two girls were being treated as princesses? And what happened to the girls that they suddenly realized this? If they'd grown up their whole lives served by frightened, thin servants, they wouldn't know it should be anything different
Now, my comments do make a lot of assumptions. I realize that much of what I talked about could be cleared up as more of the tale is revealed. So I'll keep an eye out! biggrin
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Irako of the Desert Captain
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Posted: Fri Dec 31, 2010 12:31 pm
Geeze, the setting almost gave me chills mrgreen There arent many people who try to do the posessed-child characters becasue they dont really know which mannarisms to mix into the character, but you did it pretty much to a T!
The only thing that I would have done was add more of an elderly dialouge to the Demoness so that she sounds smart and cunning to add to the creepy of her baby features.
Also, you might want to put a bit more tension in it too. When you said "she sighed" it kind of gave me the impression that she gave up and didnet really want to escape that badly. If you would add tension to them, like the Demoness making casual threats, and Maranda seething but is forced to follow. And while thier walking, miranda is wondering if her becoming a demones would give her the power to pay for her families hardships
: D but yeah! I loved this! It had a great setting and the story was interesting 4laugh
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Posted: Fri Dec 31, 2010 12:33 pm
Also, thanks Irako of the Desert! I love this guild, thank you so much for the invite!!!
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Posted: Fri Dec 31, 2010 2:00 pm
Irako of the Desert It's nice, but the way you portray Miranda makes it unclear as to how old she is. You refer to her as a woman, which, to me, suggests 25+. However, the way she acts is more reminiscent of someone much younger, maybe16-18.
Also, with the Demoness Vassari, you say she's a child. You could make her scarier by mixing childish mannerisms with bloodlust. You're on the right track with having her speak like someone much older than she is.
One of the other things you talk about in your last few paragraphs could use a little reworking. You say "Then my sister Aranthea and I saw that the servants we called on were no more than starved slaves. Our mother was... considered the best off..." It confused me. Did you mean to say that their mother was also a slave while the two girls were being treated as princesses? And what happened to the girls that they suddenly realized this? If they'd grown up their whole lives served by frightened, thin servants, they wouldn't know it should be anything different
Now, my comments do make a lot of assumptions. I realize that much of what I talked about could be cleared up as more of the tale is revealed. So I'll keep an eye out! biggrin See, I have already finished the book...and I am planning on publishing it so I won't say any more, but let me just say not all is as it seems wink I meant to refer to Miranda as a young woman, not sure why I didn't put it there, thank you for pointing that out.
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Posted: Fri Dec 31, 2010 2:05 pm
Neomifox Geeze, the setting almost gave me chills mrgreen There arent many people who try to do the posessed-child characters becasue they dont really know which mannarisms to mix into the character, but you did it pretty much to a T! The only thing that I would have done was add more of an elderly dialouge to the Demoness so that she sounds smart and cunning to add to the creepy of her baby features. Also, you might want to put a bit more tension in it too. When you said "she sighed" it kind of gave me the impression that she gave up and didnet really want to escape that badly. If you would add tension to them, like the Demoness making casual threats, and Maranda seething but is forced to follow. And while thier walking, miranda is wondering if her becoming a demones would give her the power to pay for her families hardships : D but yeah! I loved this! It had a great setting and the story was interesting 4laugh Thank you for the comment smile
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