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AGES:
Me; 18 (really trusting of friends whether guys or girls)
My boyfriend; 20 (protective of me, tries to help me)
Aaron: 18 ("the opportunist", as my boyfriend calls him; used to be one of my boyfriend's close friends)

Cause: Over a year ago, a guy (who I thought was a friend) at a party sexually attacked and nearly raped me.

Short past history: The after effects, I could trust no one, and I had a fear of people and anyone touching me, even a hug and I would litterally cry, anytime sed person who did that to me, their name was mentioned, things would get worse.
I couldn't let my boyfriend hold or touch me because of how my friend had hurt me.

NOW: Friday, December 17th, I have been scarred yet again and I need advice.

This friend, let's call him Aaron. I've known Aaron all throughout high school. He always thought of me as his "little sister", and would always call me that, he would come up and hug me each morning too. June of this year, we graduated, and I didn't hear from him until October, so we decided to hang out one day. We eventually decided that we would hang out (him, my boyfriend, and I) at this bar in town that his mother works at) and karaoke and play pool. Everyone is friendly there, very welcoming and country like. At times, we would hang out, and when my boyfriend would play pool we would talk and all, and whenever I didn't feel good or didn't care, he'd be really concerned and would hug me.

The first night of karaoke, we decided to do a duet together, and the same night, when I had to take Aaron home, he hugged me, then kissed me on top of my head then messed up my hair. I thought it was nothing, so I ignored it (thinking it was brotherly/sisterly like).

Each Wednesday after, it got worse, I got more paranoid and learned more about him. I found out he had a huge crush on me, and how everytime we were talking, he'd mention to me how he was still trying to find the right girl. I told him that he would find her, and I'd hang around my boyfriend. Eventually, my boyfriend decided to start taking Aaron home every Wednesday night. I didn't mind that much.

December 15th:
Well, this past Wednesday, after karaoke, when we were working on one of my stories I'm writing, he asked me if we could hang out on Thursday. Well, we had snow on Thursday, so we couldn't hang out.

December 17th:
Friday, I was meeting my boyfriend at the gas station near his house since he was low on money and said he would pay me back (which he did). Before my boyfriend got there, Aaron called and asked if we could hang out because he wanted to work on the story. I said sure, since we all decided to work on it together.
Everything ended horribly once my boyfriend arrived. We started arguing, and my boyfriend was trying to warn me, but I didn't catch on. He finally told me to just go and have fun, I told him no, and he made me leave. He said he was tired of sharing me with an opportunist. I only really hang out with Aaron for the story or at karaoke, either way, I want my boyfriend there.
Sadly, I went over to Aaron's house to pick him up. I told Aaron the story of the arguing and how I was sad, so it was a quiet ride home to my house. When we arrived at my house and got inside, we found out my parents had left to go out shopping. Internally, I started to panic, because I knew this guy had a crush on me, but this time I knew how to handle the situation, so I ignored it and acted like I was normal. We went back to my bedroom and he sat at my computer and I'd shove story after story in his face, and at the same time I would read manga volumes of my anime collection to pass the time. An hour later, he had finished and we started talking about the story. Soon after, my parents came home, but as soon as they got home and put away groceries, THEY LEFT AGAIN!, to go visit a relative.
Before my parents left, when they went back to their bedroom, I stood beside our christmas tree, admiring it and staring at the blinking lights. While I geeked out a bit, Aaron laughed and tried to hug me, well, I tried to jump out of the way, but he grabbed me by the arm and pulled me back into a hug with his head on my shoulder behind me, and I tried to pull away, but he's strong. I used the excuse he was hurting my ribs, and he let go. That's when parents came out and then left. At this time, I was starting to get paranoid.
Well, we went into my kitchen and we began to talk about my story. It started with a fight scene between my main guy character (who in RL is my boyfriend), and the character he asked if he could make (which represented Aaron). Then, it went to where my character met his, and how my character loved his but was torn between his character and my boyfriend's character. Then, an intimate scene with my character and his (no explicit details, was thrown in there in case it turns into an anime, cuz we want it to be a manga). THIS WHOLE TIME, occasionally, he would switch my character's name with me. I started to freak out, but I kept calm and acted oblivious as if it was all a part of the story, just to see if my assumption was right. The assumption being he was referring our characters to real life conflicts and possibilities of the future.
Afterwards, we got a couple glass bottles of soda (IBC cream soda), and a lot of popcorn. Aaron and I decided to watch a movie on television, unfortunately, nothing was on, so we were flipping back and forth between several channels.
How I'm scarred: He sat on the left of the couch and leaned in to the middle, I sat on the right half of the couch leaning towards the arm of it, we were separated by a folded blanket.
We would start making fun of whatever was on, he'd laugh and try to hug me. Then it led to a joke and he hugged me again, this time with his head on my shoulder, so I took the wooden backscratcher nearby and started hitting him in the head with it, but not hard. I told him to stop, and he'd start tickling me, so I'd jump off the couch peeved and he'd laugh until I sat down. Then the cycle started over, only this time, in slow motion, the hug was: his hands slid under my breasts, but touching up against them, went down my rib cage provocatively, and then slid down to my right side of my pelvic bone and his hands were below that and on my butt. He laid his head on my shoulder, and I couldn't move. He wouldn't let me go, and I couldn't move my hands. I couldn't look him in the face, so I looked towards the television. I froze in fear. I couldn't move. A look of pure horror swept across my face, I hid it once he started to look at me again (when I caught him out of my peripheral vision). For like 5 minutes I was stuck there, and I tried holding back my tears, because the memories of being nearly raped and sexually attacked last year hit me hard. They hadn't flooded me since I got over them back in October, a little over a year after that experience. When a commercial came on, he let go of me and I excused myself to the bathroom. Once there, I started to panic a bit and then I noticed I had already started crying and I was shaking bad. I felt dirty, abused, and Aaron already knew of how I was hurt a year before.
After composing myself, I took him home. Once in his driveway, I got a neck cramp, so I used it as an excuse for not turning to hug him, well, he quickly kissed me on the cheek, not far from my lips, and then closed the door fast. I went straight into panic mode. I sped home, luckily not caught by the cops, took a shower, cried a little, then I started convulsing a bit, so I begged my friend to get online to talk to her. For not listening to my boyfriend and catching his hints (which he's always oblivious with me about), I wanted to resort to cutting myself. I was so close to, until she calmed me down. Then, I texted my boyfriend what happened. This now being 3:15am, December 18th, at the time. He had a bad feeling and stayed up the entire night until I told him and after, but after I texted him, I passed out from exhaustion and forgot my phone was on, so the next morning I got 25 texts from him.

December 18th: This was the day of my christmas party, and unfortunately, before all this happened I had already invited Aaron, so my boyfriend and I were going to have a talk with him. Well, it was around 2:30pm and he called while my boyfriend and I were picking up a friend. He was calling to say that he had a family get together and that he would try to make the end of my party. His exact words, "I'd really like to see you again tonight. I really would." His tone was smooth and flirty a bit. I told him I was driving and had to go. I told my boyfriend too. That night, my friend who helped me calm down, and my boyfriend had to calm me down again, this time it wasn't as bad, but I was nervous, hoping Aaron wouldn't show up. Thank goodness he didn't, but I still broke down.

December 19th:
The day of my boyfriend's family get together. (he and I have been dating for about 3 years, March 14, 2011. WE ARE BOTH STILL VIRGINS FOR THE RECORD, haven't gone farther than foreplay, attempted s3x, but there were issues, and we responsibly decided against it until we were both ready.) He and I are indeed intimate, and we want to get married in a few years. Well, from what Aaron did to me, I couldn't "enjoy" any foreplay, at the end, I broke down and screamed at my boyfriend, "Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Please don't hurt me! Please!" through my tears. I convulsed bad, I was rocking back and forth. I looked like a wreck from an insane asylum. I had to make him stay 10 feet away from me. I kept telling him I was scared and that I needed my sister and parents, but that I didn't want to leave, that I couldn't find my happy place, that I had been hurt. After an hour of trying to calm me down, he got me to stop crying, but I kept shaking bad, and couldn't let him near me, I stopped studdering when I talked and he made me some tea. We started talking and I apologized, but he said he was used to it, knowing how I would react and that it was understandable. He said that no matter how apart we get, we always get back together. (which is true). It took me five minutes to force myself just to get to hold his hand, then hug him. Even when he hugged me, I wanted to pull away, but I knew if I did, I wouldn't get any better, things would get worse, so I tried relaxing and closed my eyes. To ease my nerves, he played a tranquil song from his computer, and it calmed me completely, then he replayed it and that time he got me to slow dance with him in his living room and it was nice. It healed me and my trust with him. He taught me that I needed to learn to say, "no", when hanging out with Aaron, and he and I agreed that if Aaron was involved and I was there, my boyfriend or my other best friend, she had to be there with me at all times.

December 20th (today):
My boyfriend called and asked if we could hang out. I said yes. Five minutes later, Aaron calls. Aaron was wandering if I could hang out because he REALLY wanted to see me again. I told him, "I would if I could, but I'm helping my parents around the house with baking and getting ready for our family get together on Friday". He said, "Are you sure? *laughs* Do you need help out of it?" he used in a hinting tone. I said: "No, I really owe them, it's like a family tradition, I can't just leave them like that." (which is true, but we were actually going to do all that tomorrow with my family). He said, "alright darling, hey, if you are free, give me a shout, alright?" I said alright and then hung up. Then, I went to my boyfriend's house.
I told my boyfriend the story, and he tried to ease my mind. Yet later, after the foreplay, I felt worried, so I talked to him about it, then after explaining the recent issues of Aaron, I got really dizzy and exhausted from the worry and was stuck on his bed for an hour. I still feel dizzy.

We are supposed to hang out again on Wednesday for karaoke and confront Aaron there. Aaron had already been warned before by my boyfriend to stop or things would get personal. Now things are going to end on a harsher note, they won't be friends, but we have agreed to hang out on Wednesday's at the bar whether or not Aaron is there because karaoke and pool is fun, and we can invite other friends to go.

QUESTIONS:
1.) Recent events with Aaron have caused the feelings from an earlier attack arise once again, that took me a long time to get over. How do I get over them again? No one taught me, and I had therapy, lots of it, but it didn't work.
2.) I'm paranoid of ALL guys and crowds now once again, and the fear of being touched because of it by anyone. How do I get rid of both of those fears?

First of all,
I'm sure a lot of us would love to help you...
But you have so much information in your post, it's hard to contemplate and hard to focus on your questions with so much information.



Have you sought more than one therapist? Usually, it takes maybe four to five different therapists before you find one that's right for you.
If you don't want therapy, however, I'd say it just takes time. These things will usually go away themselves, (but if they don't that's when therapy should be involved).



I've been in the same boat as you, where I felt very nervous and antsy around tall white men. (Which was weird because I later found that my attacker was Hispanic) Again, to overcome this will take time. If you don't figure it out on your own or your mind still doesn't get over what's happened, that's when I'd suggest seeking professional help again. However, a little advice to you,
Whenever you start to feel nervous in big crowds or when you are touched just remember that it was just that one man, and that not everyone is like him. Learn to separate just him and everyone else. I apologize if I'm not making myself clear... it's late, and I've had a very busy week.

omg i just loled at my post, in it i said that you should look at the earlier ones without realising that the 2 i read WERE THE ONLY OTHER 2 POSTS XD.
sorry, i am not laughing at your story, im laughing at my stupidity.