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 Posted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 10:18 pm
I ask this question... to try to find something to say to my dad. I realize it isn't quite what this guild is about. But there are some connections.
Here's some background:
Health: He's not healthy. Never has been. Lacked many many many vitamins and minerals and did drugs as a teen and wasn't very active beyond work and walking. This has taken it's toll on his body and brain.
Family: He's always been the kind of man to work work work and provide for his family. Provide money. and not much of it. But enough. He wasn't really there emotionally. Suffered from migraines and an ulcer and was generally just a gruff angry guy. Didn't treat my mom the greatest, but she's stuck by him all through the years.
We weren't a very close family. Fought and argued and I couldn't wait to move out. Since moving out, I've gotten closer with my mom and my brothers. and actually was able to talk to my dad for a while... until the past year.
Last November (09) he suffered a massive migraine.. which wiped out a lot of his memories. long term memories. he didn't remember us. Woke up one day and didn't know who the woman was beside him.
After many doctor's tests, they still don't know fully what happened. He act's like a different guy. Even likes different things. Doesn't have the emotional background or relationship experience to know how to be nice to people really.
It's like it's out of a movie, honestly.
Well, he managed to make it through the past year, it's been super rough on my mom. She's trying to stick by him and trying not to lose his trust completely (he doesn't trust any of us - because he doesn't know us, and he isn't trying all that hard at all to build new memories)
He pretty much got through the time by working. Lots.
Work was what he did remember.
Forgetting family and friends, but remembering work? Doctor's didn't know wtf happened..
anyway.
This past month, he lost his job.
30+ year working in a unionized factory and he was fired for ONE safety infraction. Unable to get EI, not getting his pension or anything..
He tried to walk infront of a train today.
My brother tried to stop him and my uncle showed up along with cops. They were able to slow the one train, but not the other, but managed to stop him from getting infront of it nonetheless.
Now he's in the psych ward.
He's always hated doctors. Always hated drugs. Always vowed that if he couldn't take care of himself, that he shouldn't live.
Here's where you truthers come in....
When is life not worth living?
If you had a grandchild, even if you don't remember her being born - would you not throw away your lack of trust to people you 'don't know' in order to try to make new memories?
I don't know if there is anything more we can do.
His life is his choice.. but. I can't sit by idly and allow him to take his life, can I? but I hate doctors and drugs too and I can't just sit by and allow him to be doped up in a hospital either...
All I want to do is go in to his work and scream at them for ruining things. HIs boss and his coworkers LIED to the safety reps about the situation in order to save their own asses. They hid evidence and covered up thefact he did his job exactly how it's been done for years... Its criminal. and now my dad lost the only thing keeping him going..
ugh k I don't know where I'm going with this anymore.
something about health.. and mind.. and never being too old to make new memories. etc.
anyone feel like giving insight? I realize that not everyone will have good/hopeful words. I'm okay with that.
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Posted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 11:44 pm
I'm not really the best with this kind of thing as I've struggled with this issues in my own life a lot. Somehow I always find a reason to keep going though.
Let me get my analytical crap out of the way first though... It sounds like your father may have had a stroke. If that's the case then the doctors would have most likely picked up on it. Stroke or not, there's probably nothing that could be done to make him the old him so I'm not sure why I even brought this up except as a possible rational reason for his change.
If what his former employer/coworkers did was criminal then you should fight it, legally. He probably won't get his job back but if you're lucky and have a good case then he may get a settlement out of it. Just something to consider.
I understand the distrust of doctors and drugs, I really do. Not everyone can pull themselves out of depression on their own. Sometimes you need help from professionals and even drugs sometimes. He's going through a very hard time and that's completely understandable, given the circumstances.
I would remind him that he's still alive. He may not remember a lot of his life, but that allows for him to replace those old memories with new ones, replace the old relationships with better new ones. He has something of a tabula rasa to work with, in some respects. Ultimately, he is going to have to find his own reason(s) to keep living. Remind him that you want him to live and so do others. Health can be improved, new purpose can be found, and new memories and relationships can be formed. It's hard and it takes work, but if you really want it then it can be done.
Something I've come to grasp in the past few months is that a door may close so that you can go in a different direction and find something else.
Hopefully this is encouraging and you can pass some of it along. I'm not really that good at this stuff though, as I said. Sometimes I just have a hard time articulating it. Good luck and I hope everything turns out for the best.
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Posted: Wed Dec 08, 2010 3:53 am
Thanks for replying with kind words.
It is such a hard situation... so difficult to know when to keep pushing and when to back off...
Doctors actually argued back and forth infront of him at first whether it was a stroke or not. They concluded it was not.
They called it 'migraine induced amnesia'.
There are known people who have lost memory from migraines.. just not quite like this. He only remembered very few childhood memories of his own, he didn't remember us kids at all, or my mom.
Doctors at first told him he had 6 months to regain a possibly 75% of his memories, if any at all. Around about 10-11 months, he did regain some. He *said* he did anyway. He remembered our old dog. and remembered bits and pieces of our childhood. But he's said it isn't enough to go on. And still is being stubborn at not just giving us his trust. He says if he doesn't know us, then why should he trust us and open up to us..
If I were in his shoes, I would try my hardest to allow my family to help.. I managed to find out one thing holding him back - if he knew about a family gathering (thanksgiving for example), he would back out before hand without telling us why.. I did finally get him to open up and found it was because of anxiety (which I can totally relate to, because I often find myself making up excuses to not go somewhere social - something which I've been trying to overcome for the past few years, especially since having my daughter)
But anyway...
Everything you've suggest has been said multiple times (he's threatened his life before, a few months ago).. Cops got involved because I called an ambulance not knowing what to expect when we got to his apartment. He ended up not saying that he WASN'T going to harm himself, but he wouldn't say that he WAS either... but the cops ended up taking him to the hospital and I guess they put him in a straight jacket for hours while the doctors figured out what to do. He said what he has to say to get released.. He said he would never forgive us and would never trust us. But he did talk to us and visited us and seemingly got 'over it'...
This whole thing with losing his job completely messed up all progress.
I don't believe that as much as I would like to sue his company, I don't think there is any evidence left to back up his word. It's his word against others there. They threw out the broken ladder he was using, they threw out time cards and other stuff...
Ultimately it is his choice... We can't force him. But there still is chance he may get his job back - there is an arbitration meeting set up for end up January. He just hates sitting at home alone doing nothing at all. He's always had work.. It doesn't help that my brother's are lazy, and that I am the only one who really shows emotion on the subject... but I live a few cities away now, and lack gas money and babysitter etc to be able to visit as often as I guess I should ://
*sigh*
There is a supposed therapy session to help restore memories and help link them back together - but that would require him 'talking' to people.
I guess the decision is up to him whether he wants to stick it out some more.
He had promised me though not to 'do anything' to himself and that he would live to see my daughter grow up. Obviously promises don't matter to someone you don't really know though, huh
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Posted: Wed Dec 08, 2010 6:45 pm
ammaea Thanks for replying with kind words. It is such a hard situation... so difficult to know when to keep pushing and when to back off... Doctors actually argued back and forth infront of him at first whether it was a stroke or not. They concluded it was not. They called it 'migraine induced amnesia'. There are known people who have lost memory from migraines.. just not quite like this. He only remembered very few childhood memories of his own, he didn't remember us kids at all, or my mom. Doctors at first told him he had 6 months to regain a possibly 75% of his memories, if any at all. Around about 10-11 months, he did regain some. He *said* he did anyway. He remembered our old dog. and remembered bits and pieces of our childhood. But he's said it isn't enough to go on. And still is being stubborn at not just giving us his trust. He says if he doesn't know us, then why should he trust us and open up to us.. If I were in his shoes, I would try my hardest to allow my family to help.. I managed to find out one thing holding him back - if he knew about a family gathering (thanksgiving for example), he would back out before hand without telling us why.. I did finally get him to open up and found it was because of anxiety (which I can totally relate to, because I often find myself making up excuses to not go somewhere social - something which I've been trying to overcome for the past few years, especially since having my daughter) But anyway... Everything you've suggest has been said multiple times (he's threatened his life before, a few months ago).. Cops got involved because I called an ambulance not knowing what to expect when we got to his apartment. He ended up not saying that he WASN'T going to harm himself, but he wouldn't say that he WAS either... but the cops ended up taking him to the hospital and I guess they put him in a straight jacket for hours while the doctors figured out what to do. He said what he has to say to get released.. He said he would never forgive us and would never trust us. But he did talk to us and visited us and seemingly got 'over it'... This whole thing with losing his job completely messed up all progress. I don't believe that as much as I would like to sue his company, I don't think there is any evidence left to back up his word. It's his word against others there. They threw out the broken ladder he was using, they threw out time cards and other stuff... Ultimately it is his choice... We can't force him. But there still is chance he may get his job back - there is an arbitration meeting set up for end up January. He just hates sitting at home alone doing nothing at all. He's always had work.. It doesn't help that my brother's are lazy, and that I am the only one who really shows emotion on the subject... but I live a few cities away now, and lack gas money and babysitter etc to be able to visit as often as I guess I should :// *sigh* There is a supposed therapy session to help restore memories and help link them back together - but that would require him 'talking' to people. I guess the decision is up to him whether he wants to stick it out some more. He had promised me though not to 'do anything' to himself and that he would live to see my daughter grow up. Obviously promises don't matter to someone you don't really know though, huh It is a tough situation, no doubt. I'm glad to hear that there's an arbitration meeting over his job. Until then maybe he could take up some kind of hobby like woodworking or something? He could potentially make a little money at that if he's good with his hands. It would also keep him occupied and give him something to do. When you're in that state, having a purpose makes a world of difference. I think I have heard of a kind of random amnesia before (not really random, but not caused by head injury/stroke/etc.). I'm not sure if what I heard about was caused by migraines or not, but the guy suddenly couldn't remember anything about his old life. His family stuck by him though and he's building his life again. I swear I saw this on a news program a few months ago but I don't remember any specifics. I wish you and your father luck and I hope that everything turns out for the better. Ultimately it will be up to him though. I don't think that anyone truly wants to die; they just don't see a way out of their predicament.
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