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As Anton reached the park he moved to a nearby tree and sat beneath it staring blankly at people relaxing and playing amongst the benches and grass. As he sat he tried desperately to think but found himself losing his train of thought. Finally he gave up and simply closed his eyes to the world before him and focused on the darkness behind his eyes. There was a lot he wanted to say or do but he had no clues on how to begin. Should he seek his past or present first? Should he return to his old ways or follow new advice? There were so many conflicts in his mind and heart that he felt paralyzed as though the world was speeding on and he was standing still being left behind. Gritting his teeth he made a fist and felt the weakness in his hands which simply served to frustrate him further. What fairness could exist in this world?

Fine then. If the world is going to be unfair by its nature, then I simply need to become strong enough that I can rebel against such tenants. With enough power you can change everything, even fate and nature. So that is what I shall do, I will grow my strength and even if I cannot reach the apex I will find someone to serve that I believe can reach the apex. If they can reform the world and suffering then that is the person I will put before the village. Should I never find such a person then I will continue to work to become that person. Anton thought as he gritted his teeth and pinched his leg to use the pain to drive away his inaction.

Standing suddenly Anton took a pair of sunglasses from his pocket and put them on so that none of his appearance could be made out by others before he limped off with the feeling of salt rubbing his skin beneath the bandages on his face. As he moved he began to consider for himself how he could help himself. So far ever since the moment he realized his throat had been slit he had only survived because of other’s actions. How could he have forgotten the feeling of seizing control of his own life? As a child that was his purpose in training to become a ninja yet at some point everything became routine and normal. He no longer did what he wanted but instead what was expected of or required from him.

Often the moments that a life changes are small and would seem inconsequential to others but like grains of sand the moments add up and cascade into sweeping changes. This time out of frustration Anton made a decision, over time each time he decided to continue pursuing his decision the change would become greater. For now to others he would simply be frustrated, but in the large tapestry of time he had changed his color and was now the beginning of a greater design than his past. For control, for survival, for himself he had made his decision and now Anton had to give his all to achieve it. Taking a breath he made his way back to his room. To each effort a starting point was needed and the more detailed the map the better the results.

As he reached his home and moved to the table he took out a notebook and begin thinking of how best to train. Making quick notes on his condition and the specifics he was given by Doctor Huo, Anton began to consider what he could be good at. Speaking softly he said, So currently I can work on my speed, my ninjutsu, and my intellect though not yet my strength of mind. How useless. I’m restricted from working on techniques or using chakra for at least another few weeks and my body is damaged enough the only physical therapy I can do is walking. In that case for the present I’ll aim for walking three times a day just after meals to my limit. Other than that I’ll read and work on my reasoning skills. Also psychology, the better I understand how people think the more benefit genjutsu will have for me in the future. As he spoke quietly to himself his agitated mind began to calm and he found himself relaxing slightly and moving his mindset closer to a calm and logical process. That said there was still much to do. The first thing to do was to also set aside time for meditative introspection so that he could sort at least some of his fragmented memories and learn about himself. After all not knowing himself and hoping to recover from his mental trauma was foolish and would only be like burying explosive tags and growing grass. It would leave a nasty surprise waiting to go off in his future.

Deciding to begin immediately he wrote down a rough schedule for himself then moved to his bed and sat comfortably as he probed his mind and began to reconstruct his memories much as he would a jigsaw puzzle. He began with a corner, in this case the academy. It was a place he had to have attended and it was also a place he had been to and walked through since his recovery. As such he took time to focus on each part of the academy in hopes of having it trigger other images. To begin he chose the front gate and he remembered seeing it from a lower viewpoint and people walking past but nothing vivid emerged. After a moment of thought he decided this made sense, the view of approaching a school or work place was something anyone would see so often it could easily become little more than a background. Overlooked and forgotten yet at the same time easily remembered when brought up.

Next he shifted his attention from the building to Instructor Jiang, he had recognized him on sight which meant there were relevant fragments of memory related to his former teacher. As he pictured him he felt like his image of the man was several deeper appearances, younger, healthier, wounded, skinnier, a variety of images overlapped. For the moment though he focused on the youngest looking image that came to mind and carefully probed the image to see if any memories triggered.

Come on Ant, if you orphans can’t keep up you’re going to be used as compost. The voice was coming from a blurry figure ahead of him as they ran and another figure moved at his side. Yet when he tried to look at either figure all he saw was darkness or a twisted outline flickering with overlapping and confusing imagery that he could not even begin to process or understand. Anton opened his eyes suddenly to find his heartbeat hammering while he sat drenched in sweat not understanding what happened. There were at least two people that he could not see even though he clearly remembered and the second had been speaking but their voice was covered by dozens or hundreds of other voices in different tones and saying different words. Perhaps it was the same voice at different times but however the truth should be he could only remember the voice of the boy running ahead and not the person running at the side.

Suddenly Anton felt his stomach rebel and was only able to fall forward so that his head was over the floor as he retched and vomited onto the floor. Shivering and shaking in fear and revulsion he felt his mind go blank as his stomach emptied itself leaving him feeling weak and feverish while he continued to dry heave over the messy floor. Yet despite his best efforts to regain control of himself he simply lay shivering over the stench of his own vomit, spasms wracking his body irregularly as bile was forced out. Every time he started to calm down he felt like there was something nibbling at the edge of his awareness and when his mind began to make out a soft whisper it acted as a trigger causing him to once more be filled with fear and loathing. Weakly he let out a thought and his insects moved out of his body to trigger a nearby metronome.

Gradually he calmed down as he focused on the steady sound of the metronome and forced out all other thoughts only to consume himself with counting. One and two and three and four and. Over and over he repeated the simple four count in his mind until all thoughts were drowned out and only the ticking remained. Sighing as he collapsed weakly he calmed himself and did not seek further introspection, whatever had happened to his mind it was now clear that some memories were more dangerous to his mentality than others. Clearly what he had been told about his mental defenses being weak was confirmed as true to him in this instant.

Calming himself once more Anton moved off the foot of the bed and went to get cleaning supplies to clean up the mess he had made in his room before moving to the table and diving into the current book he was reading as though running from his mental demons. He devoted himself single mindedly to the act of reading and learning. The only outside stimulus he allowed was the ticking of the metronome to chase away the silence and help him remain sane.