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I love her too much

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Reglare Excile
Crew

Friendly Warlord

PostPosted: Wed Nov 24, 2010 12:34 am


There is something I would share
something I can no longer bear
It is nothing but a dare
but to listen, do you care?

It was for the woman I love
and with it I made her do an unlikely sob
the hurtful feelings gathering like a mob
, those feelings I want to rob

I dared her for us not to talk for a week
3 days passed and our wills are already weak
our loneliness already at its peak
her love I once again want to seek

Yet I shall not just stop now
for the sake of my love's vow
it is for our love's test
seeing who can wait longer the best

For we live in foreign lands
being separated by stones, gravels, water, and sands
our love needs to wait long, entrusting it in God's hands
PostPosted: Wed Nov 24, 2010 3:13 am


Your rhyme scheme has been forced, but there is one line which, by itself, is delightful:

"the hurtful feelings gathering like a mob"

I suggest considering including feminine rhyme rather than using only masculine rhyme, and perhaps including a meter. Crafting your sentences so that they do not need to twist around themselves to accommodate the rhyme will greatly enhance this poem.

Priestess of Neptune
Vice Captain


Reglare Excile
Crew

Friendly Warlord

PostPosted: Wed Nov 24, 2010 3:15 am


I see. Thank you for the advice. ^^
PostPosted: Sun Apr 03, 2011 7:23 pm


heart heart heart heart heart heart heart heart

Blue_Sky10

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Poet's Paradise

 
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