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chapters 1 & 2 of clandestine a book of mine

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That Girl With A Dream

Dapper Prophet

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PostPosted: Thu Nov 18, 2010 2:18 pm


Chapter 1- Prologue
It was a cold winter evening. A young boy was walking around so carefree and nonchalant. He was supposed to be home by 10:00, but it was 11:20. As he wandered around the lonely forest he felt the wind get strong. He disregarded it and kept walking. But the more he ignored the stronger the wind got. Then he saw creatures moving. There was a supposed rumor that a demon wolf creature lived in this forest, but he didn’t believe in folklore. And then, he heard voices like quiet, small whispers in the dark. He began then speeding his pace. But instead of bolting for home he bolted deeper into the forest, which wasn’t a brilliant idea. Then as he thought he found safety behind a tree he felt a presence behind him. He turned to see only a dark shadow with claws and eyes that could go right through the strongest man. He didn’t have the voice to scream as the creature overcame the child. The last words of that lonely evening the boy heard was a breath-taking, heart-stopping howl.
Chapter 2- Nicolai and Nicolas
128 years later, the demon wolf creatures multiplied and a whole generation of them began. The most recent out of the whole family were two young children. They were eight year old Nicolai and 13 year old Nicolas. Though, there was one problem. They didn’t know they were the animals they were. At first they lived their lives not knowing that their parents were demon wolves and not knowing they were demon wolves themselves. Their parents wished to keep them safe so they sent Nicolai and Nicolas to school, gave them an education and lived there lives like normal children for part of their life. But then they found out the truth.
Nicolai and Nicolas were in the same grade. It’s not that Nicolas was brainless Nicolai was smart, maybe too smart for his own good. They were both in the 8th grade. Nicolas’s grades were slipping but because his social life was bigger than his schoolwork. Nicolai was big on school work but his social life was very small and he had very little friends due to being in a school of older kids. Nicolai felt reliant on Nicholas. But at the same time, Nicolas felt reliant on Nicolai for his grades.
Nicolas and Nicolai were in class about two minutes away from heading home. They were both in the same period and Nicolas was gazing at the clock dying to get out while Nicolai didn’t want the bell to ring. He was writing down notes from the board. Nicolas sat in front of him and turned. “Dude, c’mon class is almost over and you’re writing notes!” He said very coolly. Nicolai gave him a quick glance when the bell rang and Nicolas got up and ran out the door. Nicolas had to wait outside the class for Nicolai get finished with his work. He said goodbye to many people some he didn’t even know! It was because he was so popular his friend’s friends talked about him!
When Nicolai came out of the class room Nicolas shouted, “Finally! Come on man! I’m glad we don’t have bus or we’d be missing it every day!” Nicolai just rolled his eyes and asked Nicolas once they walked out the door, “Did you finish your class work?” Nicolas gave him a look and said, “Nicolai this world will leave you nowhere if you get class work done!” When they walked outside kids who missed their bus or kids waiting to get picked up waved to Nicolas and asked if he needed a ride. But he just said, “My mom is waiting at home and she’s expecting only me and my brother.” Even though his mom wasn’t home. His mom and dad worked late and didn’t get home till’ really late!
They usually walked home from school because their parents were never home at the time they got out of school. But they weren’t to head home when they got out anymore after Nicolas almost set the house on fire the first time that they got home from school (Never let Nicolas cook you dinner unless you want a burnt house). They were to head to their friends house.


critique would be nice! smile  
PostPosted: Wed Nov 24, 2010 6:10 pm


I read your piece and I'll give you the feed back you so rightfully deserve.
Honestly, there are a lot of good things there, but it could be great. Your writing is good, but it seems almost unfocused to a degree. You have some information might be vital to the storyline, but simply in the wrong place. I suggest this: Establish the point before you add embellishment. Author's use it all they time. A writer, typically before writing, will write a synopsis to establish the main events of the chapter, and then when they write they lengthen and add the information that is needed. It will lead to a more focused work that really gets to the audience. Take it from me, I just finished editing a novel and preparing to send it to my agent, I had to make sure what I meant was actually said in an easy to understand wording that was focused and established the points I was making. (We the writer's might be intelligent, but our audience might not be. Its a general speculation I've observed) So just go back through and fix that and it should be better.
Also, make sure you aren't over using comma's. I know, it's fun to use them. It spices things up. But remember to use it only when it's necessary and appropriate. And as a note, every time the dialogue changes from character to character another paragraph is started.
Also, having the two names that are so similar makes its difficult to differentiate between your two characters. Having names so similar could hinder the audience from forming the personality and characteristics of the characters that you are trying to get across. I had to change a few names in my own novel to make sure this did not happen. If you change these things your work should be even better.

And Just remember, there's always another level and you should strive for it.

OoMEW-MEWoO

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