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 Posted: Sat Nov 06, 2010 7:43 am
Peacefully, she sings to me
Drifting through the agony
Encircling our own intentions
Fair gives flight to those she mentions
Ivory and ebony
We both swim through our misery
Whistling to our ears seldom
Truth beholds to us his kingdom
Saddened trees are free to me
While those we lost before the key
Drained of life and both our sorrow
What came before shall come the morrow
For all that cry in pain to leave
We travel through the boiling sea
Sobbing breathes we take with caution
Silently, they stand while watching
CC please? It's little now, but maybe more later smile
Last verse is kinda icky.. help??
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Posted: Mon Nov 08, 2010 9:05 am
I actually kinda like the last stanza... Anyways. There were a few instances where the rhymes were off, and I couldn't deduce if it was intentional or not. (Rhyming is very hard for me you see, I don't practice it myself that often.) Because you could have been wanting the ABCC but in the third stanza its kinda like an AABB. (brain explodes).
My suggestion would be to smooth out the scheme, so the reader doesn't consciously notice the rhyming. For instance, seldom and kingdom does not necessarily rhyme but they kinda do at the same time? That disconnect, well, disconnects the lines making it feel a little jumpy. You did have some lines that I really did like (like aforementioned last stanza) along with "fair gives flight to those she mentions" and "saddened trees are free to me".
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Posted: Tue Nov 09, 2010 1:38 pm
THANK YOU so much
I'm not an avid rhymer, it's something I do very seldom... And I noticed the strangeness with kingdom and seldom. You know when you just write something and it sounds right in your head? That's why I often fail at rhyming.
Looking back now, I kind of see that the first two lines of each stanza are off but the last two look alright... At least in # 1 and 2.
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Posted: Tue Nov 09, 2010 8:03 pm
I'm like, 50/50 on this one. There are some places where you really get the rhyming down, where it just flows. I really like the first stanza, for example, and the third stanza as well. Just epic flow. The others were not so...flowtastic haha. The first half of the last one was nice though.
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Posted: Wed Nov 10, 2010 12:32 pm
THANK YOU TOO
I think it's odd how both the reviews are very different... But I'll keep both in mind next time I rhyme smile
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