I wrote this about a very dear friend that passed away recently- (9/14/08 ) RIP Jessi Sommers. You don't have to like it- I just want her memory to stay alive.

The tobacco smoke fills my lungs and I fight back the urge to cough-
It’s the least I can do for her-
The bitter taste fills my mouth and i forget my resolve-
The smoke is expelled from my body in loud racking coughs,
I guess I’ll have to remember some other way-
But the tobacco smell- that’s what triggers my memory the most,
That and the faintest smell of lavender-
Like a tobacco stained flower-
The poison of the cigarettes slowly turning the edge of the petals black,
Just as the tar in her lungs built up and up-
It’s not like she smelled bad-
The smoke smell was comforting in a way-
The floral essence and tobacco mingling in that exclusive way that screamed “Jessi”
Any other smell would’ve been wrong-
I inhale again,
Taking a second huge drag from the Marborolo clutched in my fingertips-
I can see her-
Short hacked off hair and white dress-
Old black denim jacket and mismatched old converse-
And of course-
The cigarette dangling from her lips,
Smoke trailing to the heavens she often spoke of with a dreamy look on her face-
“After the cancer gets me Rainie,
I’ll go up there.”
Well she never got the cancer-
She killed herself much too early to even have her lungs that full of carcinogens anyway,
But she seems to be in the stars-
At least,
I see her everywhere-
Just when I turn my head,
I think I see her white dress,
Her smoking cig,
Her slightly sad smile.
Hear her laugh lightly,
And I think-
Maybe it’s her-
But I look again,
And it’s another girl-
A paper loose on the wind,
A breeze passing through a tree noisily-
Jessi is gone-
So why am I still here?
I rub out the cigarette on the ground next to me,
I stand and begin to walk away from the field I was sitting in,
A field I’d took her to a week after we met-
And I pull my collar up against the wind-
Fall is setting in and the breeze no longer carries it’s warmth.
I try to think about the future-
My new classes and horizons-
The new opportunities-
And for the slightest second,
I catch the smell of Lavender and tobacco on the wind.