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How To Survive The Zombie Invasion

Rules from the zombie leader herself




1. Location is crucial. 7-eleven’s are your safest bet. If there is one thing zombies love more than brains, it’s slurpees. Make sure all of the slurpee machines are working and nice and cold.

2. Once the zombies start advancing into 7-eleven, you have two options. One: Do the Macarena and peacefully and painfully surrender to our side and become a great leader in this invasion. Two: Grab means of weaponry and run like… well like you’re being chased by zombies. They will be distracted by the slurpees long enough for you to get a nice head start before they realize their dessert, you, is gone.

3. Make sure you wash off or disguise all traces of slurpee on you. This is like a drug to them and they will follow and find it at all costs. Wear as bright of colors as you can. They can’t see very well, but they aren’t very fond of bright things and will stay away, unless really hungry, then they will attack anything.

4. Stop by abandoned grocery stores and stock up on supplies. Food like Top Ramen is great because it’s light and you don’t have to cook it to eat it all the time. Make sure to get Clorox Bleach Spray to carry with you. This will burn their skin if any surprise you. Just aim, spray, BURN.

5. Weapons will be hard to come by with everyone and their dog trying to defend themselves. They best weapons come spontaneously. If you are attacked and there is a piece of metal lying around that you can use, use it. Not only is it disposable because it is garbage, this makes your travels lighter. Though it would help if you could get your hands on a gun in case you end up somewhere where all there is, is bunnies and marshmallows.

6. The less you shower the better. It will make you smell more like the death around you and zombies will be more hesitant to go after you.

7. Learn to speak zombie. “AHHHHHH!!!” Does not mean “I come in peace”. Grunts and farts are better than anything.

8. Last of all, please remember that no matter what Zombies Win. Just give up and don’t even do step one. It’s ridiculous you’re even reading this because one of them is standing behind you right now, ready to slurp out your brains with a bendy straw.

Oh my, very entertaining.