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 Posted: Sat Sep 04, 2010 11:53 am
Is using the pro-noun
"He" in the RP repeatedly too much?
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xxxxxxx As the time flew by like quickly flipping through pages of a dictionary,the moon rose grinding it's teeth together while blood oozes in between them, Kiyoshi hung around the allyway's roof tops sitting on the edge waiting for the natural order to be disturbed, his secret high of adrenaline rush and fun, his official weapon, Hana Fumiko, was on vacation with her family, but he had enough experience to manage his own. The meister slowly got up and scanned the city right to left, he slowly backed away from the ledge, far enough for a running start. He quickly sprinted towards the ledge and then lunged becoming airborne, he glided towards the building that stood in-front of him only to deify human's mortal enemy, gravity. The meister caught the ledge before he started to plummet back to mother earth's haven, which seemed like her way of saying if you leave me again, you'll be grounded forever. As he held the ledge with both hands, he placed both of his feet against the wall and shoved his body weight, making him execute a flip swinging him on top of the roof. The flip was successful, as he landed on his feet he started up again heading east, the neighboring building wasn't too far to force a leap but was low, the height of a common gas-station. As he jumped the ledge he leaned forward. He watched his surroundings go from upside right to upside down and back again, staging a front flip, the height from a tall building to a small building has some tolls, one of those tolls took Kiyoshi's ankle forcing him to roll as he landed, but as his feet returned to the ground he kept running. Another building slightly towered over the small building, as Kiyoshi approached the building fast, in mach speed in his own world of adrenaline rush, he lunged, placing his foot on the wall and forced himself to take three steps upward forcing a small wall run. As he reached for the ledge he winced at the pain of something jabbing his wrist as he latched to the edge.
xxxxxxx As Hotaka pulled himself up to the ledge and checked his wrist, it wasn't a severe wound but painful. As he reached in his back pocket he leaned over the edge to check what caused his third injury ( That's if you count a strand of hair in the eye, a bad landing due to gravity and what just happened now, a stabbing to the wrist ). It was a jag-get nail that was hammered in poorly, as he scanned the wall he scaled he realized it was a vacated residents. It looked like who ever lived there just moved out maybe a day or two, as he straighten out his poster he pulled out a bandage from his back pocket. It was handy just to keep something from the first aid kit close by even though it's not much it was something to keep from bleeding gallons and quarts of blood. As he wrapped his wrist he paused as he stared at one building, lights on bright, who would keep their lights on especially uncovered? Kiyoshi continued to wrap his wrist until completion, biting off the rest of the bandage to save for later he tied up his wrist and shoved the roll into his pocket and quickly walked to the other end of the building's ledge and crouched peering trying to see through the bright lights.
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Posted: Sat Sep 04, 2010 12:57 pm
Not too much, if it is though you can just rearrange a sentence or two to fix it. such as:
"As he held the ledge with both hands, he placed both of his feet against the wall and shoved his body weight, making him execute a flip swinging him on top of the roof."
turning into:
Holding the ledge with both hands, he placed his feet against the wall and shoved his body weight, executing a flip and swing on top of the roof.
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Posted: Sat Sep 11, 2010 9:40 am
Kyru Windwaker Not too much, if it is though you can just rearrange a sentence or two to fix it. such as: "As he held the ledge with both hands, he placed both of his feet against the wall and shoved his body weight, making him execute a flip swinging him on top of the roof." turning into: Holding the ledge with both hands, he placed his feet against the wall and shoved his body weight, executing a flip and swing on top of the roof.
-Nodnod.- I see, next time if I do the same action in a RP I'll be sure to keep that in mind
Thanks c:
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