Yo. So one time, in some thread somewhere, I mentioned that my college's newspaper ran a satire story about Edward Cullen's murder by the hands of our mascot, the Wolf. I promised if I found the newspaper article(since I of course brought it home instead of just tossing it after I was done), that I would post it.
Well, I have been working on my room, and I unearthed it! Here it is!
Well, I have been working on my room, and I unearthed it! Here it is!
Satire 5: Wolf Attacks Edward
By Ben and Matt
“Even these peaceful halls can garner some violence. Wolf arrested but set to be released on the halls again sometime soon.”
On April 1st, fans of the “Twilight” saga were shocked to learn that Edward Cullen appeared on **CC’s Westminster campus. While thought by some to be an April Fool’s prank, it was later learned that this was indeed the vampire thought to be the heartthrob of half the female population.
Unfortunately, before the Front Page was able to interview the sparkling sensation, he was attacked by the **CC Wolf. Cullen died on the scene from massive throat injuries and an incisor to the heart only minutes later. Witnesses were shocked; some females even wept.
Someteen Girl, a huge “Team Edward” fan, recalls the encounter, “I was in the crowd, getting my official movie poster signed, when all of a sudden, there was a gray blur from the left, and next thing I know, someone’s holding Edward’s head up and screaming for the paramedics. It was terrible.”
It has been a sad day for many of the girls on the ---- campus, although the literary community rejoices. Twilight, considered by most to be the death of literature, has now met an unceremonious ending and allowed Chaucer and Dickens to roll back over in their graves with a smile on their corpse. When we here at the Satire tried to interview said corpses, however, the majority of them had nothing to say as it has pretty much been for the last few decades. The only dead celebrity willing to comment was Tupac and he saw very little merit in his opinions on literature.
When asked about the cold blooded murder of Edward Cullen, The Wolf chose to remain silent, but pointed directly at a “Team Jacob” T-shirt worn by a passerby. While specifically I see myself as a Team Ben fan for obvious reasons, we will agree to disagree and say that the Wolf is firmly in support of Team Jacob while the majority of us are in support of good books.
Police and Animal Control officers arrived on the scene very quickly, impounding the Wolf and calming the situation. The Wolf’s release is set for later this week as police officials now claim that killing a fictional character is not a crime and neither is helping to destroy Twilight’s legacy(Phew!) Look for the Wolf on campus soon. Please note to anybody who wears an excessive amount of glitter through the hallways, the Wolf may attack you and/or try to eat you. You have been warned.
