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Tags: Writing, Write, Poetry, Novels, Stories 

Reply Post Your Work: Originals/Fanfiction
So.....I'm new and I'd like a little advice on this plz!! :)

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--kirrilee--

PostPosted: Sun Jul 18, 2010 8:21 pm


This is the introduction to a Novel I started a little while ago. The title I selected is a snippet of a sentence from Charles Dickens' "A Tale of Two Cities". I know it's a little (lot) poetic for an actual book, but bear with me here, the whole thing won't be like this, promise biggrin Anyway, let me know what I can do to make this better!!
PostPosted: Sun Jul 18, 2010 8:54 pm


--kirrilee--
This is the introduction to a Novel I started a little while ago. The title I selected is a snippet of a sentence from Charles Dickens' "A Tale of Two Cities". I know it's a little (lot) poetic for an actual book, but bear with me here, the whole thing won't be like this, promise biggrin Anyway, let me know what I can do to make this better!!


I found it on my computer, yay!! Anyway, here it is, "Tainted by the Slain"

War.
The word echoed mournfully through Natalia’s head like the moan of a wolf to the moon in the night sky. To her, war was senseless, corrupt murder. War meant blood-smeared swords slashing at battle armor, fires chasing families out of their homes and destroying their crops, hearts being broken as precious ones were lost… there was little to gain from war.
She picked up a stone, weighed it in her left hand, and hurled it into the sloping battlefield. It struck the ground near a crow, picking at the carrion of a fallen house. With a disgruntled caw, the startled crow fled from its food and into a nearby grove of trees. Smoke stirred up under its wings as it flew. Filthy dogs, ugly birds of prey and large, carrion-seeking predators from the forests of the North crept out from their hiding places to drag away corpses and lap up pools of blood spilled from honest soldiers forced to fight.
Natalia likened the predators from the forest to the enemy releasing cannon fire just miles away into the distance from where she stood.
“Filthy, bloodthirsty animals,” she hissed eerily into the smoke-filled air. She picked up a spear and started toward the fighting. She ran. Being light and limber, she sped hastily through the wreckage of war, through graveyards of broken weapons and in between piles of shields and helmets and discarded firearms, all smelling of ichor and damp earth. Torn bodies lay strewn in every direction. Both the sight and smell were revolting. She tried not to see the faces of the fallen soldiers, their last expressions of horror frozen on their faces forever.
Tears burned in her eyes as she spotted one of the soldiers. He was just a boy, a mere child, and his body was torn and tossed against a boulder as if he were a rag doll.
Death reeked in the valley, filling her nostrils and making her want to choke. A scent could have never been more tangible or more disgusting than that of such carnage and destruction as Natalia saw before her. But she pressed on. The dark colors of death turned into a blur and she left them all behind her as she continued to sprint forward. She let the heavy pulsing of her heart distract her from the scene, the battlefield was only a mile away. She looked to the ridge she was heading for. A few cavalry were just disappearing behind the trees and toward the large columns of smoke billowing in the distance. Now was the time to discover the possibility of any survivors in this idiocy.

--kirrilee--


Scipio243
Crew

PostPosted: Mon Jul 19, 2010 8:38 pm


Whoa... awesome xp It is a tad 'poetic', but it's also incredibly well detailed and full of amazing Metaphors and similes (which I find myself struggling to use >.< ). It does seem a bit... wordy for my taste though... but what can I say? I'm a simple guy, I read and write simply for sake of my own sanity xd

Anyways, what I'm tryin' to say, great job on it biggrin
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Post Your Work: Originals/Fanfiction

 
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