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Uh, where to begin... Well in January the government decided to stop paying me to go to school. I contested and I am STILL waiting for my appeal, they're only several months late. So I am not making ANY money, but I'm still paying gas, insurance, phone, groceries etc. My 5 thousand dollar savings account is now under 3 and I still have a month before I start working and then another 2 weeks before my first pay check.

An ECG showed an RBBB which combined with my murmur and heart palpitations (likely caused by stress) got me a referral to a cardiologist and a 3 month waiting list.

My cat is in early stages of renal disease and has a 3/6 systolic heart murmur. My dog is suddenly s**t scarred of the see-saw and refuses to go on it while our first agility comp is in 4 weeks.

And the main reason I signed up for agility again despite being broke is because I need to keep busy and keep my mind from dwelling on the fact that I scarred off the only guy that was ever right for me and made me happy.

Also my car needs work and my teachers are sadists. No exaggeration there. I had 2 projects and a test last week and my chem teacher decided to give us 6hrs of homework to be completed in less than 2 days. I never finished studying for Anatomy which I am now failing.

I applied for a promotion at my job but with all the stress it was a miracle I was able to keep it together during the interview. It was right after my boyfriend dumped me (because he decided I couldn't handle long distance relationships because of ONE incidence when I was on my period and I cried when he told me about his taskings.) And it actually took all of my effort not to cry in public. So I was really unprepared for the new coordinator and her long list of difficult questions. Now it's possible some bratty lil 18yr old boy is actually going to get the spot, despite being so clueless that I actually caught him listening to his ipod during our security detail for the Lecavalier autograph signing. And he was completely clueless as to why he shouldn't be listening to his music while he stands at the door letting people in. gonk

So the thought of working UNDER him, on top of my ex and first love who still won't admit to cheating on me is back to be my supervisor again.

Ya, it's a lil overwhelming. I think I might be having anxiety attacks because my heart palpitations were so bad last night that I felt like I was having a heart attack. Won't know if it's a medical problem for another 3 months so I'm seeing a counselor on friday.

I honestly feel like I don't have a single thing to look forward to in life right now. The reason I was set up with my boyfriend is cause our friends were sitting around thinking about who would be weird enough to like him. And my best friend thought we would be perfect for each other. And we were. But I still scarred him away and if he can't handle me than no one can. I hate sleeping in my big empty bed, I miss waking up with his arms around me.

The problem with doing nothing is that my mind wanders. If it was just the stress I had to deal with, then I know that would work well. But with what happened with Marc. I just get so angry and depressed when I think about it. So being on the go really helps. When my first love dumped me, I was working full time and when my grandfather past away I went in to work. Everyone thought I was crazy or didn't care or something. I just rather keep myself busy than sit at home alone and cry. With Marc I had 3 days of lying in bed crying. I gave myself time to grieve, and now I need to keep busy. I feel really guilty when a day goes by and I don't accomplish anything.

Today I was out of the house at before 9am I think. Working Cowboy at the lake, then washing and vaccuming my car, then cleaning my room. I think I need to start working out, although with my current heart issues I'm not sure but I know that working out usually makes me feel pretty good. But actually getting the motivation to START the workout is usually pretty hard. Once I got all dressed in my sweats and sat on the comp. sweatdrop

And I spoke with Mark, well sort of, a few days ago. His a*****e friend that I absolutely hate, posted on his facebook wall that he should "remove certain headaches from his friend list" So I responded that if that's all I am then I'll do it myself. And I sent him a message saying if I am bothering him he should stop being such a F***ing p***y and just talk to me like he lied and said he would. Well for the first time in over a month he responded that it wasn't a lie, that he was waiting for me to calm down but it obviously wasn't gona happen so he figured a facebook message would be acceptable. He told me he knew I could never handle the military life because of the way I reacted (to being ignored for a month, I fail to see how that's the same thing) and that he has moved on.