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 Posted: Wed Apr 21, 2010 3:20 pm
I have this amazing boyfriend that i love very much. He;s one of the most important things in my life right now. I have a few problems though:
1- He's always hurting himself. When we fight or he gets upset, he punches walls and cuts himself, which really scares me. I don't know how to help him stop.
2- His father was abussive and alcoholic. And I heard that runs in the family. Is that a legend or truth? Reffering to problem 1, he's not exactly chill when he loses it
I just want to be there for him and help him, but I'm not sure how. I'd really appreciate your advice.
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Posted: Wed Apr 21, 2010 6:07 pm
my boy friend was the exact same way. except instead of alcohol it was weed. But basically how i helped him was just comforting him when he was upset. Let him know your there for him and always will be because you love him. Also when he says he gonna punch something tell him it scares you and he'll stop if he loves you.
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Posted: Wed Apr 21, 2010 8:09 pm
the thing about absue and alcohol is it doesnt exactly run in families like genes do, but instead, those raised by abusive/alcoholic parents/mentors are 10x more likely to do the stuff themselves, combo'ed, it's more like 1000x despite what any source says due solely to alcohol's effect's
from your depiction of his anger pushing him to cut and punch, i take it he has a high anger tolerance but when his anger lets lose, danger becomes abundant
my advice is actually quite similar to Strawberry_Love4's adivce but with more outcomes:
but first and foremost my always-in BF/GF thread advice:
If you are in high school or younger, it's not a good diea to date, college or higher, make sure you've got income and a place to live before you begin dating.
now for the advice you asked for:
the ebst thing to do, is tell him foremost that he scared you pretty bad one time, and say in that same breath that you'd like to be allowed to talk about it,
set up a time where you two wont be interrupted and take the battery otta the cell phone
sit with him and tell him about your concerns but be sure to make the point of your love for him apparent and also mention this line: "if you love me, you'll stop, because it scares me when you do that stuff"
furthermore
as for him punching walls: if he doesnt have life insurance, a broken hand is one expensive medical bill....like you wont be able to work at your job or get proper medical attention.
as for him cutting: talk about infections and illness galore, those cuts can give him some bad illnesses, the like that makes the flu seems like paradise, and likewise his immune system, being exposed so often would begin to dwindle in it's ability to help him heal, meaning he'd be sick for a long time
---the reason the immune system would dwindle is the Lymph cells (that clear thick liquid in a small hang-nail-sized wound) will have been drained from his body because to cut into skin = cutting into your lymph cells
another line is, "when you do that stuff, i see your father in you and i am not in love with him, but i'm in love with you and if you love me, you'll stop the punching and cutting"
---if that doesnt move him...then it's something psychological and thats above my ability
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Posted: Thu Jun 10, 2010 9:48 pm
Yikes hon, alright first off I want you to be careful, okay?
Now let's see. It seems that he really has a bit of trouble expressing his emotions in a less physical form. Cutting and punching walls isn't the best thing for the human body, and if it persists can be deadly, or cause problems for him later on in the future.
I suggest just being a comfort, help take care of him, and even explain that you hold a deep worry for him when he treats his body so poorly during those times.
Ah abusive father eh? Hmm it can be true, or false. But that all depends on him you see. People go through tough things in life, it however is up to them and whether they let it direct their lives in the future. He might decide he doesn't care for drinking, so he will avoid it having seen what it did to his father, or he will let himself become an alcoholic. Same with the abusive nature, he might or might not.
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Posted: Sat Jun 12, 2010 10:17 am
I know how thats like you should calmly sit down and talk to him guys like that are sesitive and yes that is the truth it does run in the family does that mean he will be an abusive alcoholic no it just means he's more proned to be
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Posted: Sun Jun 13, 2010 5:48 pm
Thats another thing. With the alcohol, I mean. He had his first beer, like WHOLE BEER when he was only twelve. That just doesn't seem right to me and that really got me worried when he told me that story of his youth. And when he's like that I just leave and when I come back, he's usually in tears and it really hurts me. I know he wouldn't hurt me physically though. I mean, I think.
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Posted: Mon Jul 12, 2010 8:57 pm
lol_NiCoLe_lol Thats another thing. With the alcohol, I mean. He had his first beer, like WHOLE BEER when he was only twelve. That just doesn't seem right to me and that really got me worried when he told me that story of his youth. And when he's like that I just leave and when I come back, he's usually in tears and it really hurts me. I know he wouldn't hurt me physically though. I mean, I think. bad news i'm afraid: if you ---think--- but dont ---know--- he wont hurt you, then it's a bad relationship from the start My pastor wouldnt even agree to let my Fiancé and i begin a dating-level relationship inside the church unless we were 100% sure both of us, that we wished to marry quite literally til death do we part ---how does that tyie in? If you're 99.99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999% sure he wont hurt you, call it off if you're 100% sure he wont hurt you, then it's a-okay the beer at twelve thing is disturbing but if his parents gave it to hm in their home, it's legal, in public though it's illegal and beer + love = break-ups, sad to say but true
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Posted: Sat Jul 24, 2010 9:56 pm
I didn't read any of the other comments so sorry if I'm just repeating what others have said.
#1: If he's hurting himself when he's upset, there's not much you can do about that except to let him now how scared it makes you. Tell him by hurting himself, he's hurting you. That might help. Either that or he needs to talk to someone. >_ >;;
#2: Alcoholism and aggression, from what I understand, are both genetic and learned traits. [note that I said "from what I understand" which means I could very well be wrong.]
Anyways! If he doesn't have access to alcohol, that'll be helpful to stop a potential drinking problem. People who drink tend to have addictive personalities. However, if they don't have access to addictive things, they will be just fine. Most of it is environmental.
Aggression, I think, is learned. If his father was aggressive, he is more likely to be aggressive too. I'm not really sure what you could do about this. Perhaps anger management might help.
If you feel he could hurt you, you need to get out of the relationship. Love isn't worth risking your safety. At least, not if the one you love would physically harm you.
I hope that helped.
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Bloody-Melons Vice Captain
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Bloody-Melons Vice Captain
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Posted: Sat Jul 24, 2010 10:01 pm
Aw Heck lol_NiCoLe_lol Thats another thing. With the alcohol, I mean. He had his first beer, like WHOLE BEER when he was only twelve. That just doesn't seem right to me and that really got me worried when he told me that story of his youth. And when he's like that I just leave and when I come back, he's usually in tears and it really hurts me. I know he wouldn't hurt me physically though. I mean, I think. bad news i'm afraid: if you ---think--- but dont ---know--- he wont hurt you, then it's a bad relationship from the start My pastor wouldnt even agree to let my Fiancé and i begin a dating-level relationship inside the church unless we were 100% sure both of us, that we wished to marry quite literally til death do we part ---how does that tyie in? If you're 99.99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999% sure he wont hurt you, call it off if you're 100% sure he wont hurt you, then it's a-okay the beer at twelve thing is disturbing but if his parents gave it to hm in their home, it's legal, in public though it's illegal and beer + love = break-ups, sad to say but true Sorry, this has nothing to do with the topic but... How can you be sure you want to marry someone if you don't date them first?! Perhaps I misunderstood what you said, but that just seems silly to me.
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Posted: Wed Jul 28, 2010 12:32 am
Bloody-Melons Aw Heck lol_NiCoLe_lol Thats another thing. With the alcohol, I mean. He had his first beer, like WHOLE BEER when he was only twelve. That just doesn't seem right to me and that really got me worried when he told me that story of his youth. And when he's like that I just leave and when I come back, he's usually in tears and it really hurts me. I know he wouldn't hurt me physically though. I mean, I think. bad news i'm afraid: if you ---think--- but dont ---know--- he wont hurt you, then it's a bad relationship from the start My pastor wouldnt even agree to let my Fiancé and i begin a dating-level relationship inside the church unless we were 100% sure both of us, that we wished to marry quite literally til death do we part ---how does that tyie in? If you're 99.99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999% sure he wont hurt you, call it off if you're 100% sure he wont hurt you, then it's a-okay the beer at twelve thing is disturbing but if his parents gave it to hm in their home, it's legal, in public though it's illegal and beer + love = break-ups, sad to say but true Sorry, this has nothing to do with the topic but... How can you be sure you want to marry someone if you don't date them first?! Perhaps I misunderstood what you said, but that just seems silly to me. that point is based on the fact that our pastor not wanting us to be public with our relationship in the church unless we were adamant on marriage was our chosen route marriage is a "two-person" thing and both must be 100% in-tune with each other to make it work, Romantic-level relationships are stage1 marriages, engagements are stage2 and husband/wife are stage 3 the point my pastor was conveying is: if at stage1(dating) you cant be 100% sure you two'll marry(stage3), call stage1 off immediately basically: My Finacé and i, when we began dating, made it quite clear: we'll marry, thats that. the issue above is a guy whom has a history of violence in not only his life but his fathers life too, and his raisings, and with "love": violence in a major no-no if there's even one millionth of a perecntage of a chance of a relationship having a violent outburst (as in punching beating or even slapping the person with or without intent) then it's not a good relationship at all ---but to finish off: my pastor was merely saying, if we cant be sure on 1 thing and be 100% sure that we agree on it, it's a no-go i mean think about it: why do you date the person? sex? "image"? to use him/her to upset someone? - those arent relationships, those are 'tools' you date to fall in love, and eventually marry, but if violence can cause the level of distraught in this thread, even if it's only a small chance of it being there, then marriage is definitly OOTQ
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Posted: Wed Aug 04, 2010 1:16 pm
Aw Heck lol_NiCoLe_lol Thats another thing. With the alcohol, I mean. He had his first beer, like WHOLE BEER when he was only twelve. That just doesn't seem right to me and that really got me worried when he told me that story of his youth. And when he's like that I just leave and when I come back, he's usually in tears and it really hurts me. I know he wouldn't hurt me physically though. I mean, I think. bad news i'm afraid: if you ---think--- but dont ---know--- he wont hurt you, then it's a bad relationship from the start My pastor wouldnt even agree to let my Fiancé and i begin a dating-level relationship inside the church unless we were 100% sure both of us, that we wished to marry quite literally til death do we part ---how does that tyie in? If you're 99.99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999% sure he wont hurt you, call it off if you're 100% sure he wont hurt you, then it's a-okay the beer at twelve thing is disturbing but if his parents gave it to hm in their home, it's legal, in public though it's illegal and beer + love = break-ups, sad to say but true I am sure he wont hurt me. we've been dating for nine months, and he hasnt put a hand on me once. and he was at a party when he started drinking. he's also done drugs when he was younger. i just found out about that, and that scares me
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Posted: Fri Aug 06, 2010 7:46 am
lol_NiCoLe_lol Aw Heck lol_NiCoLe_lol Thats another thing. With the alcohol, I mean. He had his first beer, like WHOLE BEER when he was only twelve. That just doesn't seem right to me and that really got me worried when he told me that story of his youth. And when he's like that I just leave and when I come back, he's usually in tears and it really hurts me. I know he wouldn't hurt me physically though. I mean, I think. bad news i'm afraid: if you ---think--- but dont ---know--- he wont hurt you, then it's a bad relationship from the start My pastor wouldnt even agree to let my Fiancé and i begin a dating-level relationship inside the church unless we were 100% sure both of us, that we wished to marry quite literally til death do we part ---how does that tyie in? If you're 99.99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999% sure he wont hurt you, call it off if you're 100% sure he wont hurt you, then it's a-okay the beer at twelve thing is disturbing but if his parents gave it to hm in their home, it's legal, in public though it's illegal and beer + love = break-ups, sad to say but true I am sure he wont hurt me. we've been dating for nine months, and he hasnt put a hand on me once. and he was at a party when he started drinking. he's also done drugs when he was younger. i just found out about that, and that scares me Drugs + alcohol = a bad life, sorry to say it but it's true, however if he hasnt done drugs in oh say 3 years, then i'd say you wont have to worry about drug abuse anytime soon
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