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 Posted: Sun Mar 28, 2010 10:07 pm
I also posted this in the LI thread, but I'm going to post it here as well. So my boyfriend and I have been dating 13 months. The sex has never been something to write home about, but it quenched my needs none-the-less. However, about 2 weeks ago, I had parked in a no-parking zone thinking it'd be fine there for only 5 minutes. Well, it wasn't and the car got towed. My boyfriend and I walked an hour to where the car was to pick up the smokes and his GED book. Then walked another hour to my mothers, to borrow money to get it out.
Ever since then, we haven't had sex. My boyfriend has a torn ACL that will never heal. (Muscle in the knee.) Apparently, ever since that day he's been in very bad pain. Too much pain to have sex. While that's understandable for a little bit, I find it hard to believe already. Before that happened, our sex life was falling already. I'm an extremely sexual person, if it was up to me I'd be going at it at least once a day. While obviously he's got a much lower sex drive.
I come on to him multiple times a day, just trying to convince him to do something. Anything. My needs just aren't being met. He hates giving oral, and I gave that need up because I love him. He never gets into foreplay, unless it's me kissing his neck or giving him a b*****b, so I gave up that fun as well for him. He never wants to try anything new. He also does not get hard unless I play with him. Laying next to him bare naked does nothing anymore. Strip teases do nothing anymore, either. Etc.
It's not that I'm ugly, I'm very attractive if I do say so myself. I just don't know what's wrong with him. All he EVER wants to do is play video games. That's it. Unless he's high on marijuana, because it "takes away the knee pain." But I'm a recovering alcoholic, thanks to him. He hates me drinking, I hate him doing drugs. So we made an arrangement only to do it together a couple times a month. This seems like an excuse to use drugs more often.
It's always "I'm not in the mood," "I'm busying playing Call of Duty," or "My knee is killing me." He's not cheating, as we're together practically 24/7. (Neither of us have jobs, and we live together. Don't get me wrong, we get our alone time, but it usually consists of me hanging with my sister at her place and my boyfriend hanging out with my brother.)
I just don't know what to do. My sexual needs aren't being met. Sex is a huge part of a relationship for me, and I'm just not satisfied. I don't want to leave him because I want to spend the rest of my life with him, other than sex he is amazing. I just want to know what I can do to get him sexual, if anything. I've talked to him about it and nothing gets through. We argue almost every day because I'm so uptight and moody without regular sexual activity.
I'm 18, and he's 22 in a few days. I've been having sex on a regular basis (but have only been with 3 guys) since age 14. He lost his virginity at 18. I don't know if that makes a difference, but I will add it anyway.
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Posted: Mon Mar 29, 2010 12:33 am
While I don't think sex should be the most important thing in a relationship, I personally don't think I could stay in a relationship with a sex life like that.
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Posted: Mon Mar 29, 2010 1:28 am
!namorata While I don't think sex should be the most important thing in a relationship, I personally don't think I could stay in a relationship with a sex life like that. Agreed. With my very first boyfriend and I, he was the one with the low (almost non-existant) sex drive, and I had the high sex drive. When we started having issues around 2 years of dating, that was one of the things he kept bringing up: our relationship was "all about sex" because I had the higher sex drive. I'm extremely lucky in that both my current boyfriend and I are very sexual, and we both have high sex drives. Even after 2+ years of dating, we still are very attracted to each other and all that. If one of us had a way higher sex drive than the other, I don't know how well we'd mesh. Sex isn't everything for us of course, but it's a large part of our relationship. To the OP, you could try masturbation, for times when you're really turned on and he's not in the mood for sex. In the end though, you might want to take a look at his pattern of behaviour - if you don't think he'll change in time, maybe it's better to just say good bye before things go ugly. As you said, your needs aren't being met, and it'd be unfair to stay with him when your needs aren't being met and he's making no move to meet them.
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Posted: Mon Mar 29, 2010 10:06 am
I was in a very similar situation. I was very sexual. I met my partner. He had a much lower sex drive. Other than that, we meshed perfectly.
At first I didn't know if I could stand not being fulfilled sexually. The first year or two I felt stifled, like I was missing out.
Then I just got used to it. My sex drive sort of slowed to match his. And I'm glad it did.
Don't get me wrong, sex is great. I love it. But I also don't really want to end a good relationship over it. Not to mention that if I ever get sick, or have surgery, or have a difficult pregnancy, or anything else that might put me sexually out of commission for a while, I want to feel pretty confident that that isn't going to end my relationship.
So that's just how it worked out for me. It may or may not work that way for you.
My advice:
Think about what is important to you. Think about what you want out of life and out of a relationship. How high does sex rate? How high does your current partner rate?
Think about where you want to be one year from now, five years from now, ten years from now. Will being with your current partner hold you back? Or will it help you get to where you want to be?
Think about whether he's a good fit for you other than in the bedroom. Are you ok with his playing games and doing drugs? Or will that stuff eventually become potential deal breakers too?
Talk about it. Don't fight about it, just talk. Ask if there is anything you can do to get him more interested. Ask if there is anything new he would like to try. Ask if you two can set a specific day or time to cuddle, have sex, or do something else sexual.
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Posted: Mon Mar 29, 2010 10:44 am
I've been using my vibrator a lot lately, but it's just not the same. You can't make love to it, you can't kiss or scratch/hold it. Etc.
I think I might know what the problem is, but after months of trying to convince him otherwise and nothing has worked, I don't know what else to do. He's a recovering drug addict. (Ecstasy) Been clean for 2 years I think. This is all what he's told me, but he can't stay hard because of the stuff the drugs did. Whenever we do have sex, I always have to get him hard a couple of times, and even then sometimes he just can't finish.
As I have sympathy for this and understand it, I can't get through his head that it doesn't bother me. It's the only foreplay I will get (He usually plays with me while I get him hard again) so I don't mind. It makes him last longer, as well. But he's said he hates it. I think he's embarrassed or scared. I obviously can't say I completely understand it. Plus I don't know if this is actually why. But it's something I've considered.
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Posted: Mon Mar 29, 2010 11:30 am
Has he talked to a doctor about it? A doctor would be able to confirm whether or not it was related to illegal drug use. The doctor might also be able to prescribe a drug to help.
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Posted: Mon Mar 29, 2010 11:32 am
The hell? He tore his ACL from walking for only an hour?
He chooses to smoke weed and play video games over sex?
He hates foreplay?
You haven't ditched him forever ago.... why?
No but seriously, forget that guy.
I'm single currently. Hint hint.
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Posted: Mon Mar 29, 2010 12:04 pm
this is just a thought so dont beat me up over it. since he is injured try asking for a friend with benifits it wouldnt be more then just sex no feelings at all, there are alot of relationships like that but it could also hurt your relationship if he doesnt go for it. He might think that you dont love him after asking him that but tell him that you do before you start and think very well about asking for this kind of commitment and think about the consequences that may be ahead. Just my 2 cents...
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Posted: Mon Mar 29, 2010 4:35 pm
Kevin Holmes this is just a thought so dont beat me up over it. since he is injured try asking for a friend with benifits it wouldnt be more then just sex no feelings at all, there are alot of relationships like that but it could also hurt your relationship if he doesnt go for it. He might think that you dont love him after asking him that but tell him that you do before you start and think very well about asking for this kind of commitment and think about the consequences that may be ahead. Just my 2 cents...
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Posted: Mon Mar 29, 2010 5:11 pm
stargirl88 Kevin Holmes this is just a thought so dont beat me up over it. since he is injured try asking for a friend with benifits it wouldnt be more then just sex no feelings at all, there are alot of relationships like that but it could also hurt your relationship if he doesnt go for it. He might think that you dont love him after asking him that but tell him that you do before you start and think very well about asking for this kind of commitment and think about the consequences that may be ahead. Just my 2 cents... It can go either way really. Open relationships work for some couples but not for others. Every relationship is very different. So I wouldn't say she should ask for an open relationship. But I also wouldn't say she shouldn't. Because she knows better than we do whether that's something she would want, something he would be ok with, something their relationship could handle, something that would help them, etc. So only she can make that decision.
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