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"The Part No One Knows" (criticism is welcome)

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Broken_Angel_xXx

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PostPosted: Wed Mar 24, 2010 10:31 pm


"The Part No One Knows”
by Sarah
January 28, 2010


There is a girl that is completely oblivious
From the worlds sight and knowledge
Behind this outer shell I call my skin
Deep inside, some where in my core
A girl who will never see the light
Her world is only covered by night
Someone who is permanently scared by that boy
Depressed, lonely, and mostly unknown
The part of me that will never be healed
From his words that murdered my young heart
It may only be a very small part of me
But it's there, buried inside where no one sees
The part that my outer shell will never show again
Black tears fall and wail, blood red lips that quiver and shiver
The silent sobs are muted from within her struggling lungs
More hurt then any girl can express freely and truly
No one believes this girl could be me
But she once was and secretly still is
She just moved deeper as the skin showed
The signs of the healing process
Only she walked out of the spotlight to be able to
Make everyone else smile their lovely smiles
So they wont ever suffer her dark world
Entertains her guest with the girl she wishes but can never be
I may show improvement but the confidence
Can mend many wounds but can only do so much and go so far
The girl in here inside this happy body I call my own
No one may see, no one many ever know
But it's here within my almost healed soul

~{please comment/critic i will love u forever if u do}~
PostPosted: Wed Mar 24, 2010 11:06 pm


First constructive crit I can say without even reading it.
I can't stress this enough: don't center your poetry unless there is a very particular need to center it. I find this piece extremely hard to read because of the formatting.

Here are my ideas for it:
Green= words that I like.
Red = words that I think you could do better on
Quote:
There is a girl that is completely oblivious
From the worlds sight and knowledge
Behind this outer shell I call my skin
Deep inside, some where in my core
A girl who will never see the light
Her world is only covered by night I like this metaphor, maybe you could build off of it.
Someone who is permanently scared by that boy
Depressed, lonely, and mostly unknown I think you could come up with more descriptive words than the same old "depressed, lonely" that we always hear.
The part of me that will never be healed
From his words that murdered my young heart
It may only be a very small part of me
But it's there, buried inside where no one sees
The part that my outer shell will never show again
Black tears fall and wail, blood red lips that quiver and shiver
The silent sobs are muted from within her struggling lungs
These two lines are rather typical and cliched, judging by the rest of the poem, you could probably come up with something that draws more interest. I do like "quiver and shiver", however.
More hurt then any girl can express freely and truly
No one believes this girl could be me
But she once was and secretly still is
She just moved deeper as the skin showed
The signs of the healing process I think this line could begin with a lowercase.
Only she walked out of the spotlight to be able to
Make everyone else smile their lovely smiles
So they wont ever suffer her
dark world I think the whole "dark" thing is too vague. Maybe try using a word like "blackened"? Just a thought
Entertains her guest with the girl she wishes but can never be
I may show improvement but the confidence
Can mend many wounds but can only do so much and go so far Perhaps make this line start with a lowercase too?
The girl in here inside this happy body I call my own I don't like the word "happy" here because it feels too dull.
No one may see, no one many ever know
But it's here within my almost healed soul


Gellert Grindelvald


Broken_Angel_xXx

Desirable Vampire

6,400 Points
  • Team Edward 100
  • Flatterer 200
  • Somebody Likes You 100
PostPosted: Thu Mar 25, 2010 4:04 am


thanks for the advice.... i'll consider it
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