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 Posted: Tue Mar 23, 2010 10:06 pm
Quote: Hear them bang at your door As you open your core You blurt out your feelings And you felt like braking Thats when they chatter your darkness And you show them your kindness A few days, and few nights Your all in frights You hear them hiss at you Just to make you feel blue You feel a thump As your heart just got dumped ya wat u ppl think of my poem??
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Posted: Wed Mar 24, 2010 11:13 am
Definitely need to work on spelling and grammar. The fifth stanza makes no sense; making "you feel like burnt stew" is not a simile I've heard before, and thus I cannot catch the drift of making you feel terrible. I just sounds like forced rhyme, which it may well be.
I'd say edit the spelling and grammar, or I can do it for you, then try it without rhyming. The rhythm is inconsistent because of the rhyme.
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Posted: Wed Mar 24, 2010 11:00 pm
alright ill change that part i guess
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Posted: Wed Mar 24, 2010 11:27 pm
A little more cliche`, but definitely flows better and is a better metaphor than burnt stew.
As for grammar, I'mma go ahead and fix it. :3
Quote: Hear them bang at your door as you open your core; you blurt out your feelings, and you feel like breaking; that's when they shatter your darkness and you show them your kindness. For a few days and a few nights, you're all in frights; you hear them hiss at you just to make you feel blue. You feel a thump as your heart got dumped.
I assumed that a few changes to structure, such as the addition or subtraction of one or two words, would make the flow better.
I like the premise of the poem, and, despite the rhyme, works rather well.
Keep at it, and use a word processor, turning on everything in the options to correct grammatical mistakes. If you need instructions for Word or Works, I can provide it. :]
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Posted: Wed May 05, 2010 8:39 pm
It made me think of my cat. I liked it. Keep working on it.
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