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 Posted: Sat Mar 20, 2010 10:00 am
If you don't like poems then you probably shouldn't be reading this........so why are you reading this?
Erect from my heart
With me, I shall protect
Do your eyes shine a light?
From then on, you must seek me out
From the ground, you must erect
Your heart closest to mine
Is what I will protect
Locking myself in your chest
I swear to you that everyone else,
I unconditionally detest
When you fall from a metal edge
You may use me against any walls as a wedge
If I must, I will demonstrate from my own restraint
As it is obvious that the answers lie in my tears
Your love.....it reeks of my bloody leak
Only through sacrifice
Can I inherit you
A potential double edged sword is what you are
And yet I ******** love it
So cut me up and find whats inside me
Find what you have erected
A mixture of heavy love and lust
What you have erected when i'm in you
You will know who to entrust
Erect from my heart
With me, I shall protect
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Posted: Sat Mar 20, 2010 10:01 am
Hey nice job with that poem Mama's boy28!!
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Posted: Sat Mar 20, 2010 10:02 am
Yeah, I think it's nice although it could use some work... stare
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Posted: Sat Mar 20, 2010 10:03 am
How come you use the word erect a lot?? And in my opinion I have read better so you have a ways to go tch...
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Posted: Sat Mar 20, 2010 10:04 am
You know what?! Screw you all I love this poem! Damn critics..
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Posted: Sun Mar 21, 2010 1:04 am
You don't need to bump up your topic so much.
And your poem lacks any form of structure. Its as it you decided to just put a new idea into each new line, poems are supposed to flow, yours had almost no flow. I think it needs a lot of work, like pretty much you need to start over from scratch and re-organize your ideas.
I'm not trying to be mean, I'm just letting you know, you should work a lot more on it, and especially give it some structure.
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Digital Malevolence Vice Captain
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Posted: Sun Mar 21, 2010 12:49 pm
Digital Malevolence I'm not trying to be mean, I'm just letting you know, you should work a lot more on it, and especially give it some structure.
Go back to high school literature, study rhyme and meter. Also, read some classical poetry - your poem sounds like it was cribbed from a Killswitch Engage album's liner notes.
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Posted: Mon Mar 22, 2010 6:04 am
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Posted: Mon Mar 22, 2010 8:56 pm
Well poetry doesn't HAVE to follow set pattern of rhyme and meter (free verse, blank verse) but some degree of structure and flow is still important. Otherwise it's not poetry, it's a collection of sentences with poor punctuation.
Also (and I know we all seem to be pretty harsh here, but bear with me) you really need to expand your diction. A poem isn't about your message so much as the way in which you convey said message. A flexible, robust vocabulary is absolutely essential to any poet, and it seems you have significant room for growth in that particular area.
All that said, keep at it. Nothing worthwhile ever comes easily.
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Posted: Mon Mar 22, 2010 10:06 pm
Volvy Also (and I know we all seem to be pretty harsh here, but bear with me) you really need to expand your diction. A poem isn't about your message so much as the way in which you convey said message. A flexible, robust vocabulary is absolutely essential to any poet, and it seems you have significant room for growth in that particular area.
I'm going to reiterate my advice to read some poetry anthologies and take note of the structure and composition, as well as hopefully expanding your vocabulary a bit. Learn by example.
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Posted: Tue Mar 23, 2010 1:40 pm
wow what uhh very constructive criticism we got going on here...hehe... sweatdrop *slits my wrists* x_X jk
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Posted: Wed Mar 24, 2010 9:12 am
Sorry, not trying to be mean, just helpful.
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Posted: Wed Mar 24, 2010 10:39 am
Well fine lucky for me I still have an english text book I stole from my high school awhile back ago XD lol watch I get better off of it lol
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Posted: Tue Apr 13, 2010 7:47 pm
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