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 Posted: Tue Aug 16, 2011 12:31 am
=/ /= Upheaval =/ /= Things cannot seem to happen one at a time, it seems that every time something big happens, something else equally as big must happen almost immediately after. That is to say, Mira is back. I should have expected it, after all, where ever she went was bound to be run by humans and now that they hate us... well...
I'm surprised they didn't kill her. Maybe they tried. She looks like she took a beating, though she insists they were not trying to hurt her.
I feel nauseous. How can she still be so... naive? So close minded? How could she not see that they were hurting her for whatever "research" they were doing. She may very well have provided them with all of the information they need to destroy us. All because she thought it would be a perfectly good idea to run off without telling anyone.
Oh wait, but she did tell someone. She left Edmund a letter, of course it was in a place he wouldn't notice for a long time, but she left him a letter.
Where was my letter? Where was my explanation on what was going on? Why did she not see fit to explain to her own TWIN where she was going? Was I not the one that took care of her? Didn't I teach her everything up until that point? Wasn't I the one that read her stories and explored with her whenever she wanted?
I. Did. Everything. For. Her.
And what did I get in return? Nothing. I feel nauseous. Sick. I want to love her because she is my sister, but the very sight of her makes me sick. I cannot tell her that I am female because she will disown me.
Once again I reiterate that I was the one who took care of her before she even met Edmund. I think part of the nauseous feeling is because she still loves him. I can feel it, and it's eating me alive. How could she think that she could just come back and everything would be just as it was?
Edmund looked shocked and confuse when I brought her to the room. I'm sure he doesn't understand why I asked him to refer to me as male in her presence... he's so accepting, he probably doesn't even realize that she is not. Not at all. I think that even if they got together, it wouldn't last long. Mira would say something stupid and he would realize that she's not who he thinks she is and he'll end it. Gently, because he's a kind person, but he'll end it nonetheless.
It hurts every time she calls me "brother" or refers to me with male pronouns... I feel invalidated, like I'll never be a real girl despite the fact that I am physically female now. Just looking at her makes me feel that way, a painful reminder that I was not born this way and she was. Other girls... they don't make me feel that way.... perhaps it's because I spent so long yearning to be "just like Mira" that I still associate that feeling with her.
I haven't hugged her yet. I think she'll catch on soon and wonder why it is that I do nothing more than hold her hand. I'm surprised she hasn't even caught on to the slight change in my vocal range. Part of me wants to just out myself and get it over with, the other part is so terrified of losing my only family relation that it'll do anything it can to keep us together.
A few moments ago I was even thinking of binding my breasts and dressing like a boy again. She can't even see me! What good would it do for me to dress like a boy if she can't even SEE me.
I'm... I'm so full of emotions right now I don't know what to do with myself. I'm sure Mira is probably getting some of this... this sick feeling. She hasn't mentioned anything. Perhaps she can't even feel me anymore. It's not fair... I feel everything she feels, I know exactly what to do and what to say, I think of her feelings, wants, and needs but it seems like she never considers my thoughts.. my feelings.. my wants and needs.
Why can't this be an even relationship? Why can't we be equals?
To add another huge event, Andy somehow got my cellphone number and has been texting me. She is coming back to the school, which has me very nervous. I know she is very loud, and out going... I worry that even though I have told her my situation she'll let something slip and blow my cover.
I don't know what will happen if that should occur.
If Mira says anything bad I fear I will lose my temper on her. I have never lost my temper on anyone, but I don't doubt that if she says just the wrong thing I'll unleash it on her. The least she could do is accept me the way I am after all I've done for her.
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Posted: Tue Nov 20, 2012 5:36 pm
=/ /= A Break =/ /=
[Teen Entry]
Mira is gone again. I don't know where she went, she just... disappeared again. I feel sort of empty, but at the same time, I think I would rather feel empty than all of that other stuff I was feeling.
I got to meet Edmund's sister, Willow. She's very friendly, which doesn't surprise me, Edmund is her brother after all. She offered to go out shopping with me and another friend of hers. I'm looking forward to it, I think.
The school missed Halloween again, but this time they're putting on some Halloween-Christmas hybrid event. Sort of reminds me of the Easter dance we all went to... I suppose I'll go, I'll just uh...
be a ghost or something. I'm not really feeling very festive. Honestly if Edmund wasn't going, I wouldn't go. Well, maybe if Willow asked I would, but I'm not feeling particularly social these days.
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Posted: Thu Nov 29, 2012 7:21 pm
=/ /= Foolish Heart =/ /= [Teen Roleplay]
[this takes place before the nightmare before christmas ball]
Edmund had come back into their dorm... he'd told her that he had gotten a date with someone. She played it off, congratulated him, wished him well. She stuck around for awhile, pretending to do things, before excusing herself to the library.
The whole walk there she felt herself on the edge of tears. Never before had she felt something so strong. It was like her very core was cracking, it took every ounce of self control not to fall apart on the way to the basement of the library, back where she and Mira had found their items.
She made it down the steps, stumbling and clutching to the hand rail. Once she reached the bottom she wobbled towards the shelves of unwanted books, knick knacks and discarded papers. When she could travel no further she collapsed, feeling a sharp pain in one of her legs. Cracked.
She inhaled sharply, quickly losing the tight grip of control she had on herself. Tears started to stream down her face, and she wrapped her arms around herself. And then squeezed. She continued to inhale sharply, unable to make any noise, but unable to stop herself. The pain was too much... she'd taken too long, been too silent... too good at hiding her affection, and so it was too late. Too late. He was out of bounds again.
Eventually she slumped forward, resting her forehead on the cool, dusty floor. Eventually the sobbing subsided to the occasional shake and sniffle, but still she didn't move. She wasn't sure how long she had been down there, probably a few hours.
She sat up, rubbed at her eyes, and took a deep breath. Her lungs ached with each breath, and her cracked leg was pulsating with pain. Aiden looked around the room, searching for the original box where she had gotten her item from. She hadn't absorbed it all, had she?
She spotted it a moment later and crawled over to it, finding, to her relief, that it was still partially full of broken glass. She adjusted her position to place her legs in front of her, propping the cracked one up a little. She then picked out a few slivers and closed her eyes, taking another deep, painful breath before thrusting the pieces into her leg where the crack was. She bit her lip to muffle the scream, but soon, the pain subsided and was replaced with the feeling of her body breaking down the glass and using it to repair her crack.
She sighed and laid down, staring up at the dark ceiling vacantly.
He was out of bounds again. She'd taken too long. He had moved on and she hadn't noticed.
She laid her arm over her eyes, resisting another round of small sobs. Oh if only her chest would stop hurting so much...
She laid like that for another long while before sitting up. Her chest was still hurting, so she pulled her shirt away to examine it. Did she break physically? She couldn't see anything, so she ran her hand over the area, and felt no cracks. It wasn't a pain she could end with glass. She sat there for a few more minutes, pulling herself together. She then pushed herself up off of the ground, and tested the sturdiness of her leg. It seemed fine, although it would be awkward explaining the new addition of colors to her leg.
She sighed, and started towards the stairs. He was happy and that's what mattered most in the end.
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Posted: Thu Nov 29, 2012 7:33 pm
=/ /= My Heart is Broken =/ /= [Teen Journal]
[this happens before the nightmare before christmas ball]
Edmund told me that he has a date.
I am happy for him. I wish I could cut my heart out. I think I'm handling it well. I have never wanted to stop existing so badly. I don't think that Edmund knows that I'm... hurt. I want to keep it that way. Please make it go away.
I hope that this person is better for him than Mira was. I will ruin them if they hurt him. Edmund deserves so much, I'm so happy that things are going well for him. I hope the date goes well, too. Please don't tell me about it... I don't think I've ever felt this strongly before. This pain is a thousand times worse than the infatuation I had...have...
I need to make more friends. I need to get away. I'm going to spend more time out. I hope he doesn't notice. Maybe I will ask if there is some sort of friend service, because everyone seems to be so shy. I don't want a dating service. I don't want to love again.
I think things will get better. For everyone. I will never be okay.
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