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 Posted: Wed Mar 10, 2010 4:52 pm
I just realized that, even though I’ve got most of my poems on DA I haven’t posted them here. So...poetry dump I guess.
I absolutly hate the second paragraph of this one...
And to anyone and everyone who may read my poems:
I really love all your feedback on my poems. I want to let you all know I do in fact read your works, but I dont comment because I have nothing really to say besides 'I like it.' Keep up the better than me work! ^^
At night she covers her scars
And cries herself a mask
of all her fears and insecurities
So she can be safe inside at last
She wanders the empty dreams alone
Inside her dark void of happiness
She sings herself a quiet lullaby
Or carves the ashen ground away
Safe inside herself she sings
Safe inside herself she dreams
Alone inside her mind; no pain
Only to awake tomorrow
Someday she wont have to wake again
With the light she falls away
In front of everyone she slumbers
Bathed in crimson stars
Safe inside herself she sings
Safe inside herself she dreams
Alone inside her mind; no pain
the bullet in her skull
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Posted: Thu Mar 11, 2010 6:48 pm
I'm not really feeling this piece. I feel like you put to much emotion into it, it seems over written. Like you put to much thought into it. Its wonderful, I felt connected to it, It made me think of myself. The connection with the reader usually what makes the writing work. Oh don't listen to me, you're an amazing writer, Keep writing I enjoy reading your work. I don't post often myself I'm not the best writer, so I enjoy others. Have a wonderful evening ^.^
Sincerely from a fellow writer,
Magically Imaginary
P.S. I like the way you write your poems, it has its own style. You don't see that these days. I'm impressed with every piece of your work. Do you want to be a writer?
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Posted: Thu Mar 11, 2010 7:22 pm
oh, have faith in your abilities! im sure youre much better than me!
im not really sure what i can do about it being over thought out. anyone have any ideas?
and no, i havent really planned on takwing any career in writeing. i enjoy writeing poems and fiction stories but i dont really expect anyone to take me seriously.
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Posted: Sat Mar 13, 2010 8:09 am
First things first. At night she covers her scars. The little things matter: spelling, grammar, all of it. Unless you're using an error to draw attention to or emphasize something, it's a distraction to the reader.
Some of the lines could make more sense, like With the light she falls away. Falling away is not something I attribute to light; flies away I could see, though.
The line Or carves the ashen ground away leads the reader the think there's something underneath that you're about to reveal. If the ground is carved away, either there's something different underneath...or someone just fell through a hole in the world. Not sure what you're going for here, so I don't know what to suggest.
Inside her dark void of happiness ...Why must it be dark? Most people do not associate darkness with happiness or safety. One can be quite happy in the dark, true, but the word does not contribute to the feelings of safety and happiness, or even peace, solitude, or separation from the hurtful outside world. Maybe something like quiet, or peaceful?
I do like the overall feel of it, and think it has real potential, as does its author.
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Posted: Fri Mar 19, 2010 9:57 pm
nbetweener First things first. At night she covers her scars. The little things matter: spelling, grammar, all of it. Unless you're using an error to draw attention to or emphasize something, it's a distraction to the reader. Some of the lines could make more sense, like With the light she falls away. Falling away is not something I attribute to light; flies away I could see, though. The line Or carves the ashen ground away leads the reader the think there's something underneath that you're about to reveal. If the ground is carved away, either there's something different underneath...or someone just fell through a hole in the world. Not sure what you're going for here, so I don't know what to suggest. Inside her dark void of happiness ...Why must it be dark? Most people do not associate darkness with happiness or safety. One can be quite happy in the dark, true, but the word does not contribute to the feelings of safety and happiness, or even peace, solitude, or separation from the hurtful outside world. Maybe something like quiet, or peaceful? I do like the overall feel of it, and think it has real potential, as does its author. ok...fixed the spelling error. thanks for pointing that out. im terrible at spelling and spell check doesnt always catch that. i have some explaining to do i guess... (sorry. thats a fault on my part) when i say 'falls away' i mean that sun is setting. sometimes where i live if you move around at sunset you may come into shade from the trees and suddenly its dark to you. you couldnt have known that, sorry. the carving part is partialy based on a nightmare i used to (and still do) have. she (me) is in a gray field and for some reason she starts digging. then, either something starts leaking up from the holes and she cant keep going or the ground crumbles away and i wake up. yet again you couldnt have known that. and the point of her 'happiness' being dark is somewhat showing she isnt normal, and i feel safer in the dark than in bright light. most of my poems have some sort of personal story behind them, and its my fault if you dont understand. feel free to ask. and thank you for helping me figure out this poem a bit more ^^
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Posted: Sat Mar 20, 2010 9:57 pm
I do concur with the others it is good and rather stark as if it was almost a real suicide note , personaly I hate the though of suicide condiering how many fulerals I have already attended and also by homany family of freinds had gone in such a short amount of time , but overal writing about death isn't a bad thing. Everyone wonders what awaits them in the end ,but I just don't like thinking into it so much. Anyway enough of my jabbering I would LIke to see what you write next I look forward to it .
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