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 Posted: Thu Feb 18, 2010 7:39 pm
"Speak to Me"
Speak to me
if you read me
can you hear me?
give me a signal
if you're alive
living
breathing
somewhere out there
give me a signal
an action
a sentence
a promise
if you're out there
living
waiting
speak to me
so we can pick up
where we were
this poem is very, very old. I made it up about 3 years ago, and I am rather ashamed of it, frankly. It isn't very good, but I figure I should post it anyways. This was one of the first poems I wrote outside of school. The next posts are my other poems in basic chronological order. Oh, and for the untitled ones I would love any suggestions for titles. Thanks.
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Posted: Thu Feb 18, 2010 7:51 pm
wait! before you read this, I'd like to let you know that it is from a guy's perspective. otherwise, you'd end up quite confused.
"Untitled #1"
two black circles
that's all I see
I stare at her
she stares back at me
and then my words are tumbling
and her words are stumbling
I give in to mumbling
as she then is fumbling
to wipe away the tears
I wish I could cover my ears...
to block out her cries
as tears stream from her eyes
she starts asking why's
and to my suprise,
I turn to lies...
what a demise
at first she seemed alright
but she called on me near twilight
she thought that she might make it right
but she could never understand my plight
again she asked me all her why's
I repeated all my lies
I wonder if it was wise
to go and break off all our ties
because she won't ever understand
I will never take her by the hand
now for her I will not stand
get her out of my life, I demand
though she is there everyday
she stays quite out of my way
but for now we are at bay
while I watch things come into play
we'll never again be together
I have a hatred now and forever
I am held fast as if by a tether
but I'll never love her, never ever.
two black circles
watching every day
watching, waiting
as if I were their prey
now, this one is sort of weird. the words are not exactly ones that you hear every day, but I hope you liked it.
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Posted: Thu Feb 18, 2010 7:56 pm
"Alone"
I am alone
standing in a crowd of people
no one listens or sees me
I'm just a familiar stranger
you've seen my face before
but I've never spoken loud words
because my heart is beating too quickly
you're watched by another, louder
but no one can see me
I'm just alone in the midst of the crowd
but I can be loud
just not while I'm alone
one day, soon, I won't be alone
and then you'd wish I had been seen.
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Posted: Thu Feb 18, 2010 8:00 pm
"Burnt"
a little spark, that's all you need
and space and an idea to fuel it
a little flame like a candle flickering
the candle was fine, all was well...
until the candle was knocked over
the flame spread and all its dread
came burning with it
more was burned, more ideas came
until there was nothing left to burn
then you look at all the ruins
charred, burnt, and black remains
of everything from before
and think, it was just a spark
and some ideas and space
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Posted: Thu Feb 18, 2010 8:06 pm
"Writing"
writing is a forest
on the paper words are growing
like wind through the trees
the words are flowing
flowing and pooling into a story
and like a forest
there are lots of creatures hiding
you just have to stop notice
all the creatures abiding
like literary elements
and the trees
throughout are changing
leaves, blossoms, fruit, color
character traits rearranging
until the story's through
to remember walking through the forest
noticing that and this
reread, rewrite you story
and you will reminisce
writing is a forest
I'm also taking title suggestions for this one. I had to write it for my application to an AP english class. It had to be about English, 4 stanzas that were 5 lines each, and lines 2 and 4 had to rhyme. This is how I saw it.
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Posted: Thu Feb 18, 2010 8:26 pm
"Untitled #2"
peering through the looking glass
from birth through time my life does pass
a vast padlock comes into view
tarnished still, but nearly new
through the keyhole swirling shimmer
dancing rainbow lights they glimmer
a million million dancing lights
like close-up stars on twinkling nights
there is indeed only one key
never to be found, it's hidden carefully
it unlocks a place that is mine own world
where lights dance as they are swirled
containing emotions oh so deep
pleasantly odd dreams from my sleep
at this point I have no doubt
you will never pick the lock out
this padlock holds you from my being
my intricacy keeps you from seeing
a million million dancing lights
like close-up stars on twinkling ights
glimmering shimmering lights inside me
I use this padlock to always hide me
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Posted: Thu Feb 18, 2010 8:32 pm
"Rain"
I am the rain
a cloud that has fallen apart
and is falling, falling
down
down
down
creating ripples as I land
eventually I can collect myself
pull myself together
sometimes healing, nurturing
I bring life and growth
other times acidic
caused by pollution from people
I harm unintentionally
I wish I could cry,
but I am already falling water
I don't want to be a monster
let the sun pull me up
up again
into a cloud, freely floating
dancing in the sun
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Posted: Thu Feb 18, 2010 8:34 pm
That's all my poetry for now. Thank you for reading, and I would love any feedback you have, including the poll.
-Annivi
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Posted: Fri Feb 19, 2010 10:59 am
I voted for Untitled #1
I think this is poem has a lot of potential, and has a good rhyming scheme, I understood your message and understood what you were saying. The lines I think you need to improve are:
to wipe away the tears
I wish I could cover my ears...
and
at first she seemed alright
but she called on me near twilight
she thought that she might make it right
but she could never understand my plight
These rhymed, but they don't have the right time. They sound very odd if you say them out loud. Try adding some words to the first two or taking some out from the last two. Other than those, IT WAS AMAZING!
Some other notes on the others. You shouldn't be ashamed of Speak to me, it was good, and could tell a story if you made it longer. Alone sounds very powerful, but once again this one could be longer and would be better.
Burnt was good, although there were some spots where you rhymed which threw me off trying to figure out if you were rhyming on purpose or it was just convenient, also you could have used synonyms for spark, ideas, and space at the end which would have made it cool. Writing could be used as like a guild motto or something, except your time was a little off in places smile . Peering through the looking glass sort of reminded me of Alice in Wonderland, and then I didn't get it.
Please don't take any of my critiques personally, I tried to give as much honest feedback as possible. If you have any more questions please ask me, I published a few of mine in the art arena and the link is on my profile. Please read these and give me some feedback as well smile
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Posted: Fri Feb 19, 2010 11:20 am
Thank you for the feedback. I will try to edit Untitled #1 because I do see what you mean. I'm glad you like it though. Speak to me actually started out as an idea for some lyrics, but I changed it into a poem. And about the bit of rhyming in Burnt, that was unintentional. I didn't realize it until I finished the poem, but never went back and fixed it. Could you specify the parts where my time was off in Writing? Untitled #2 I have an explanation for, actually. I had to write that one for school. It had to be about yourself or about self-discovery and our teacher suggested talking about looking into a mirror. I love Alice in Wonderland, so I used the looking glass bit in it. It doesn't have anything to with Alice, though. Sorry for that confusion. I'll look at yours too.
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