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A Picture of Me ~ booncj

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Doomsicle
Captain

PostPosted: Tue Feb 16, 2010 6:50 am


Alrighty, this is a poem I wrote not too long ago. I'm not sensative about my writing, so please feel free to go at it with brutality and rip it to shreds.

Sifting through the old dusty attic,
Cleaning away the years of filth and dirt that had settled,
Reminiscing about the odd bits and bobbles I find.
I pick up a pair of glamorous sunglasses,
Inlaid with rhinestones
Sitting next to a photograph of me
Wearing these sunglasses.
I wipe them clean and put them on.
I turn to admire myself in the mirror.
Though it is caked in grime I can see myself perfectly.
I still look just as I did when I took that picture
Out of the corner of my eye I see a fur coat and pick it up
It’s the same one I’m wearing in the picture
Putting it on I turn to view myself once more,
Ignoring the dust clouds that puff out of the dry fur as I move.
I run my dust cloth down the mirror
I want to see better.
I position myself as I was in the picture.
Hands on my hips.
I realized I had gained some weight since then.
Chin up.
And there was now a slight sag in the skin beneath my neck.
With a big white grin.
And cigarettes had stained my teeth yellow.
That crease in my forehead had always been there.
Those crows’ feet beside my eyes are from smiling.
I look at the picture once more.
The woman who stares back is youthful and confident.
Lips colored bright red.
Hair dyed platinum blond.
Dressed as though she wanted to impress the whole world.
I look back into the mirror.
The woman I see is not the young fame-seeking starlet.
She’s an older woman, past her prime.
Whose face is riddled with wrinkles.
Looking pathetic in cheep broken sunglasses
And a molding, moth eaten, fur coat.
I take off the sunglasses
And place them beside the picture once more.
I return the coat to its heap of clothes in the corner.
Now I’m once more sifting through the old dusty attic,
Cleaning away the years of filth and dirt that had settled,
Throwing out the odd bits and bobbles
That had seemed meaningful once,
But I can’t remember why they were important anymore.
PostPosted: Tue Feb 16, 2010 11:28 am


I like it tho I found it hard to get in to it. I am not sure why... maybe its the flow. I do look forward to reading more of your work.

Kendra Rosewood

Greedy Bloodsucker


Doomsicle
Captain

PostPosted: Tue Feb 16, 2010 11:36 am


Kendra4313
I like it tho I found it hard to get in to it. I am not sure why... maybe its the flow. I do look forward to reading more of your work.

Maybe because it's in stream of conciousness? This is the first poem I've written this way, so it could be I'm just not very good at stream of conciousness yet. I'll keep working at it, and thanks!
PostPosted: Tue Feb 16, 2010 11:39 am


booncj
Kendra4313
I like it tho I found it hard to get in to it. I am not sure why... maybe its the flow. I do look forward to reading more of your work.

Maybe because it's in stream of conciousness? This is the first poem I've written this way, so it could be I'm just not very good at stream of conciousness yet. I'll keep working at it, and thanks!


That may be it. It could also just be me.

Kendra Rosewood

Greedy Bloodsucker


IgoRawR1337

4,050 Points
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PostPosted: Thu Feb 18, 2010 4:15 am


Truly... I think it awesomesauceness... But like you said. You might need to work on the stream, you chosen the right words for everything imo.
PostPosted: Sat Feb 27, 2010 8:04 pm


Wow. Excellent portrayal of realization, and of moving on.
I'm not sure about the format, especially with it being labeled "stream of consciousness". Periods at the end of every line? Capitals at the start of each new line? Doesn't feel stream of consciousness. Makes me think it was stream of, and then was analyzed, broken down,and then sentenced, for lack of a better word. Many of those read more like internal asides, not whole thoughts.

Regardless, very good depiction of a matured person looking back, and the differences found. Especially the ones you don't outright say. Well done.

nbetweener

Aged Dabbler


WildOaths

Professional Phantom

PostPosted: Mon Mar 01, 2010 10:48 pm


I liked this poem, and the story you told through it. I feel like, however, it might be easier to get into if it had been put into prose form. This sort of story seems more suited to some form of prose rather than fitting it into stanzas and lines of a poem, but that's just my personal opinion. I have a few poems that flow like this as well, and looking back they feel... awkward to me, as if I'm trying too hard to make the poem tell a story rather than letting the poem flow the way it wants to. Does that make any sense at all? I hope that this was somewhat helpful and not too off topic >_>
PostPosted: Thu Mar 18, 2010 11:13 pm


"Whose face is riddled with wrinkles."

I like this. (:
I like the whole poem, really, but this line especially.


Polor City

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