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Posted: Thu Feb 04, 2010 8:53 pm
So ya I forgot what was wrong with this it was a bl app and it got denied for some reason plz explain if you see something wrong. Yuudai walked out onto the battlefield and looked around expecting to see him. Yuudai couldn’t help but thinking about what he was about to do, but more importantly why he was about to do it. ‘Just this one time’ He thought to himself, ‘I am only going to have to kill someone this one time.’ He thought as a mysterious figure came out of the forest with a sword in his hand. The figure put the sword out o his side and held it up to the sky. Yuudai rolled a scroll out on the ground and drew a line and put his hand on the scroll, and did some hand signs then a snake came out across the land and went into the forest. Then Yuudai drew 3 lions, and did some hand symbols. When they were animated Yuudai had them spread apart as the figure got closer. “Nice to see you again Yuudai.” The mysterious figure said with a slight chuckle in his voice. The figure slowly took off his hood and reviled his face and it had a scar across his face. “What happened to us Yuudai I was your Kage why did you betray me?” He asked in an almost sympathetic voice. Yuudai looked up with a serious look on his face. “Do you really think I betrayed you, I was just doing my duty and what I thought was right.” He said as a clone of the Kage ran from behind Yuudai as one of the tigers went out and tackled the clone as it puffed away. “I did not want to give up our jinjuriki! I wanted to fight the akatsuki not just give it up!” He said as he grabbed the sword on his back and made a quick slash at the Kage’s mid section. The Kage quickly jumped back and looked at Yuudai. “I just wanted them to leave without any other harm to the village.” The Kage said as he did some hand symbols and said, “Katon: Kaen Hisame no Jutsu” as fire started to rain from the sky. Yuudai quickly did some drawing and put chakra into the paper as an eagle appeared above him and took the fire as he quickly ran away towards the forest. Yuudai quickly threw some paper around him like a sash for quick drawings. Yuudai then yelled across the village, “You couldn’t think clearly you were just nervous about that attack now they are even closer to their victory you should have stopped them!” He yelled as he did some hand symbols and said, “Raiton: Raikou Boruto no Jutsu” and moved his hand and shot a bolt of lightning at the Kage. The Kage quickly sidestepped the attack and went rushing in. “That didn’t mean you had to go rouge Yuudai.” He said as he attacked Yuudai with his fist. Yuudai quickly grabbed his hand and pushed it to the ground as he took the hilt of his sword and hit the Kage’s other elbow. The Kage quickly recovered and drew his sword and slashed at Yuudai’s midsection. Yuudai quickly moved his blade and hit the Kage’s away. “I had no other choice, it was go rouge or give up all of my morals and you know I can’t do that.” Yuudai said as he quickly need the Kage in the ribs. It connected the Kage quickly recovered. “You didn’t have to hunt me I was just going after the akatsuki.” Yuudai said as the Kage threw a punch to Yuudai’s ribs. The Kage connected and said, “I had no choice it was kill you or look week.” He said with a smirk. Yuudai quickly grabbed his shoulders and pushed off. “You should have looked week.” He said as one of the tigers now was attacking the Kage head on and the other two were going for both sides. The Kage stabbed the one coming heads on and kicked the one to the side but the last one was able to get a bite before he hit it away. “Yuudai you have lost your touch you drawings used to be a lot more deadly.” The Kage said we pure confidence. Yuudai quickly went for a slash that the Kage dodged and went closer to the forest. “You’re wrong they are still very deadly.” Yuudai said as the snake went behind the Kage. Yuudai went for a slash and the Kage blocked it. Then the snake wrapped itself around the Kage and tripped him so he fell to the ground. Yuudai then slashed the Kage as he was falling to the ground across the face. “Don’t you think so Kage?” He said as he stabbed him through the heart killing him instantly. ‘Well at least it is over.’ Yuudai thought to himself and walked off going for the akatsuki now.
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Posted: Thu Feb 04, 2010 8:57 pm
ok well, for one thing it's really hard to read because it's just one blob of text
another thing I noticed is that your descriptions of your moves could use improvement, be sure to use really powerful descriptive words, it's better to describe one jutsu really well then to describe a bunch of jutsu poorly
but that's just my opinion
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Posted: Thu Feb 04, 2010 9:02 pm
I love txt blobs lol jk i will fix that and...i think it was just hand symbols was his big problem that and i think he wanted more move variety for ink jutsus.
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Posted: Thu Feb 04, 2010 9:05 pm
Jinchurriki is spelled wrong
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Posted: Thu Feb 04, 2010 9:07 pm
lol i hate spelling....especially when spell check cant fix it.
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