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 Posted: Tue Dec 20, 2005 12:37 pm
My mother and I have huge problems in our relationship. But first let me say:
~ I am 18.
~ I have no car.
~ I am in college.
~ I have no drivers liscence.
~ I'm scared to death of driving.
Okay so here's the problem: I can not talk to my mother. I mean, I know most of the problem-solvers to many questions are sit down and talk about it with the other person. This is not an option.
Whenever I am around my mother she feels she MUST mention me getting a job, or a car, or . . . both. Well, she just can't shut up about it. My dad makes it a point that she will take care of my little sister and he will take care of me. (My parents are divorced. I live with my dad, and my little sister lives with my mother.) But still, she must keep badgering me about it. I do realize that I am 18 and I need to take more responcibility (basically, I need to get a car and job). I know this. I am working on it. I really can't get a job without a car. And my dad knows this. He is helping me get my liscence and get over my fear of driving.
Why am I afraid of driving? Well . . . I cannot defend myself. If I got into an accident, or anything at ALL happened. I could just run a red light and get a ticket or something . . . and I know I'd just burst out into tears. I wouldn't be able to talk, or do anything really. I'd just sit there and cry. I wouldn't be able to drive. I can't defend myself at all. And I'm expecially scared someone will hit me (with their car), or I'll hit someone (with my car) who will not be nice about it. They could just start cussing and calling me names, and being an a*****e about it, and I would not do anything but cry and maybe call my dad. I wouldn't be able to tell him what happened, though. Because I'd be crying histarically (spelling?). And what makes it worse is I have no cell phone. I really don't want a cell phone, because I don't want to waste money on it. But, whatever. I don't have one. So I wouldn't be able to call my dad anyway unless I was close to a gas station or something.
Dispite the terror driving will bring me, I'm trying for my mother.
Now about a job: I know I should have a job. I know what most people are thinking: She's lazy cause she still lives with her dad, and has no job or anything! What a bum!
Well there arn't any options for a job when I am at college until my dad picks me up with his car. After he is done with work. He works till about 4 or 5 PM depending on the work load he gets on any said day. So, I can geta job for 1 or 2 hours after that, but only if he'll drive me there, AND pick me up. That's not an option either, because he's not going to come out at 7 or 8 PM and pick me up from my job every night. He has other things to do. It might even be later, depending on what job I get or whatever.
I cannot work all night or at night because I have homework and studying to do for college.
While I am typing this I may as well include I am not doing too well in college either. I almost failed high school, and changing my high school ways into college ways while improving them is very hard. I know I sound lazy, but change is hard for me and just thinking about everything else adds onto all this stress that I can't handle.
The reason I can't talk to my mother is she does not listen. And don't just brush that off as if i'm not trying. SHE DOES NOT LISTEN. All she sees is an 18 year old without a job or car. Which is basically what is there. but I am trying for her. To meet her standards, and I know I can do it. I just can't be rushed into thigns ilke that. I cuold have gotten my liscence at age 16, now years later I still do not have it. What's worse? I turn 19 in February.
Most times I am around my mother it ends up as a yelling contest, and I really can't drown out her voice. She complains about me so much,a nd compares me to my younger sister. My younger sister turned 16 in November and is already working on her drivers liscence. She wants to make her mother proud. Well so do I, but I can't do things my little sister can. I don't know why I'm so scared, but I am.
I can't talk to my mother about anything without her telling all her friends, either. And I know I should not care about what they think, but I really hate them all because my mother can talk to them about me, but can't say things to my face.
On the other hand, my father is supportive. But he really thinks I can do better in college. I keep trying to convince him that I did badly at first because I was new to college, and I had no idea about anything. But sometimes I wonder if it's really me I'm trying to convince, or actually him. I don't know anymore. The stress of everything constantly on my back is killing me.
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Posted: Wed Dec 21, 2005 12:39 am
From what I gathered right there it really sounds like you should tell your mother to shut the ******** up. Literally. It seems like she's been complaining about you for years now and it's obviously not helping anything you're doing. If she really wanted you to succeed then she wouldn't be complaining about it but trying to help you. Therefore, I would only come to the conclusion that she wants you to fail. Why try to impress someone that wants you to fail like that?
You're in college right now, you're new to it, things are stressful, doesn't seem like you've gotten along with your mother in years, you have stress of getting a job and learning to drive. It seems like the last thing you need is to fight with your mother whom you want support from. Since she doesn't seem to be providing that at all I would recommend that you just stop talking to your mother if she doesn't want to be supportive. It'll give her some time to really think about what she's been doing and it'll give you some time to get your s**t together (no harm intended). Remember, you're 18 now. You're an adult. You don't have to talk to your mother anymore. Maybe she needs to realize that so she appreciates talking to you when she does.
Now, moving onto driving. It seems like you tried getting your license before and in that time you were scared and didn't do it. Since then you've just become increasingly more scared about driving which has gone so far as to be paranoia or something greater. It kind of sounds like you're comparing it to the movies and the media too. Yeah, in the movies there are all calm and collected which makes for a nice picture but when it's in real life people are ********' scared when they get into an accident. It's not fake when you actually get into one. Also, it really depends on the accident. If someone hits you then they have no reason to be mad at you. That outrules half the accidents you may get into. If you do get into an accident then you get into an accident. Sure it sucks but it's not the end of the world if you live to tell about it. Tell the person you're very sorry about it. There's really no problem in calling someone either. I'd call someone about it and I'd probably call my mom because it'd be scary. Getting into an accident, depending on the accident is never fun but they happen and they happen everyday. It'll suck but you'll get over it.
Also, you should really tell yourself and let yourself know that an accident isn't going to happen everyday for you. You may get into one accident your entire life and that's it. I mean, it seems like you're making yourself think that you're going to get into an accident everyday and that's simply just not true. They happen, I can't deny that, but they won't happen often for one individual. And, if they did, that person wouldn't be driving.
Everyone's scared at first to drive. The people that say they don't are pure bullshitting you, they've done it before, or they're really just that one in a million chance. You should probably take lessons wherever they might be in your area. In the lessons they can teach you and make you comfortable with driving. Just let them know that you're scared and such and they'll take it easy. They start out with going in the neighborhood then the streets and then the freeway. You just get used to it really. Becomes like riding a bike. In the lessons they'll have all they need to direct you in the right way. They have a break on the car and they'll take hold of the wheel if they think you can't do it. They'll tell you what to do too.
If I were you I would buy a cellphone. I don't use mine much other than when I need it because I'm lost in my car or for an emergency. It's really helpful when you're driving and such. I think it's worth it to pay for one even if you use it once because that one time you could be lost beyond belief and it saves you.
There's nothing wrong with not having a job when you're in college, I don't think at least. I think you're better off if you have one because you learn what it's like to be doing so many things at once and maybe appreciate having a career. I don't even see how some people have a job and go to college and get all their work done. It's just beyond me how they do that. Then you have the people that do that and party... I just don't get how they do that. Never been to college though so I wouldn't really know. Anyway, just do well in college and then get a job. As long as your parents are willing to pay for you I don't see a problem with it. Gotta have a job to support yourself and to do that you have to go to college.
Furthermore, there's nothing wrong with being a little kid or being immature when you're 18. People should really get over that. I don't think there's really any difference between 17 and 18. Not that much. I don't think someone's really all that mature until they've graduated college or are around 22-23 or so, give or take as a generalization. That's the usual end of education and it just makes sense.
As for college. It's college. This is the type of school that could define what you're going to do the rest of your life. Just do well. Try as hard as you can.
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Posted: Fri Dec 23, 2005 12:08 am
Tell your mother one last time, that you are trying. Next, just ignore her altogehter. People who would treat you liek that rather then support you are hardly worth your time. As for driving, I understand that you are afraid, but that also means you should just make sure you are a better driver. You can take all the time you need before you get your license, make sure you can drive to a point where you think you are safe on the road. Your dad seems to be a very strongpoint for you, don't let that go. Keep trying in college, try your best so when you get out you can get a good job. All you can do is make sure you do what you can to the best of your abilities.
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Posted: Sat Dec 24, 2005 9:37 pm
Thanks, guys. heart I really appriciate you both responding.
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Posted: Mon Dec 26, 2005 9:49 am
I agree with ButterBalls that you need to tell your mother to shut the ******** up.
Moving on...
Being in college and not having a car or a job isn't really as bad as many people, especially of your mother's generation, make it out to sound. If you're in college full-time, which I'm assuming you are, then adding a car + job into the mix is, for most people I've known, too much to handle. With college hours what they are, job + college is really impossible for any of my friends, unless they're only working on the weekends - and it's hard to find jobs that will take you, sometimes, with that requirement. If you are having trouble right now to begin with, you may want to consider against the job thing for the time being, because that will only take you that much more away from your studies.
For myself, it was only when I switched to online classes that I was able to get a job. My college classes were taking up 12-15 hours a day, not including homework and crap, which made it impossible to work. Apparently either your mother never went to college, so she doesn't get it, or she's not with the times. Or she's just closed-minded, stubborn, etc.
Don't feel so bad that you're the age you are with no license. I'm turning 22 in January and I don't have my license. ********, I don't even have my permit anymore. Luckily, I live in a metropolitan area so that when I do need to go anywhere, including work, there's any of several hundred bus lines that can get me to where I need to go. I get panic attacks similar to what you've described any time I get behind the driver's seat... even when the car isn't running. I was nearly killed in an accident when I was 17, and even though I wasn't the driver, I just completely lost it when that happened and go into this panic flighty mode knowing that I'll have to drive... thus, I've taken steps to assure that I CANNOT drive. neutral
The only thing I could recommend for the anxiety is perhaps to talk to a therapist to help you through your issues. I tried that for some time and even though I can rationalize WHY I'm so scared of driving, I'm mentally not ready yet to take that leap and drive again. Though, it might be of help for you to try talking to someone over it.
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Posted: Mon Dec 26, 2005 6:10 pm
Bandaid Porn Thanks, guys. heart I really appriciate you both responding.
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Posted: Tue Dec 27, 2005 7:03 pm
Bandaid Porn- Wow....I wouldn't make it without driving. Driving = Freedom to me. There are no busses out my way, so this is my only option.
I think of driving as if I were walking. When you are in the halls between classes....that is the same feeling I have when driving. You just say on your side of the hall & try to not run into anyone. If you do....oopsies. Accidents happen. Just stay buckled up & you should be fine. Easier said than done, however. I'm not trying to minimize your fear of driving. It does take practise, however.
Job topic. Have you considered getting a job in the library at school? There are work study jobs that are very stress free, right on campus. I worked in an office on campus, answering some phones & stapling stuff. It was a sinch....plus I got to gab with the other folks in the office area. It gave me a few bucks for extras. Not much money, but any amount helps at that age. It feels very good to pay for a CD with your own money that you earned.
School Studies topic. I seem to do better when I do NOT have much time for an assignment. I get going on it right away. In other words....I waste a lot less time when I am under pressure. So having a job for a few hours per week will not really mess up your schoolwork at all. Maybe, just maybe, you have formed some lazy habits. Being busier might cure this.
Is it worth a try? Does this make sense at all? Maybe you would prefer to not try anything new or different, tho. It's up to you. It is your decision, Bandaid.
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Posted: Thu Dec 29, 2005 11:03 am
Your mom may be annoying when she is badgering you, but she is somewhat right. Maybe she isnt handling it correctly, and should definatley give you space and not turn all your time together into a screaming match, but getting a license and job are two really important things. Do you have any idea why you are scared of driving? Or are you just scared? This won't sound very helpful, I know, but you have to just do it. No one can force you to drive but yourself. You have to just get in the drivers seat and go. And eventually you'll get over it. The fear may take a long time to get over. I was in my first accident this summer, the day I left for college. And then I never got over it because I don't keep my car at school it was months before I drove again. And even now, 3 months later im still a nervous driver. I was t-boned, so whenever anyone is pulling out of a road, even if they are stopping at a stop sign I freak out and hit the brake. Hopefully someday I wont be scared anymore. But I learn to live with it. And you have to learn to live with it to. Unless you live in a city where you can walk anywhere, or take pubic transportation, driving is nessecary. You just have to do it.
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