I was listening to the Money Song from Avenue Q, when they get to the line "We're so happy! We just exchanged all your wedding gifts for cash!"

Even if I'm three states away belting emo in a small bar during the wedding, as a friend I really feel I ought to do something for their wedding.
I don't want to personally reward the only man I've ever loved for tying himself to a useless bint who couldn't deserve him if she devoted her entire life to the endeavor!

Okay. I think I'm done.
But ********.