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Eloquent Conversationalist
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 Posted: Tue Dec 13, 2005 8:21 am
I seem to have a real problem finishing a project. It is a flaw that I am working on. In the meantime- I plan to post a few fragments here for people to comment on. Constructive critisism is welcome, and perhaps I might actually write more if it is so demanded. sweatdrop
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Posted: Tue Dec 13, 2005 8:27 am
[ Message temporarily off-line ]
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Eloquent Conversationalist
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Eloquent Conversationalist
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Posted: Wed Dec 14, 2005 5:52 pm
And nobody reads mine. crying
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Posted: Fri Dec 16, 2005 6:45 pm
My God, I'm impressed by your range and command of your vocabulary. I haven't read the whole of your story - yet - but I can tell you it's been a long time since I've read something with that much depth.
Don't be offended but wartime stories aren't my thing and I was quite prepared for being disappointed but like I said before because yours has the depth the other stories lacked, I'll enjoy reading this.
Just a little bit of criticism here. I think you'll find more people would read it if you separated your story into more posts because sometimes the sheer length of a story can also discourage readers.
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Eloquent Conversationalist
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Posted: Sat Dec 17, 2005 10:06 am
Very true, and I am not offended at all if you are not into war stories. Everybody has different tastes. If anything, I admit that the story segment is a bit longer than most stories posted here, but still . . . it is only a segment to me. sweatdrop
I do appreciate the kudos, though. Thank you very much for your very kind words. Vocabulary has been one of my strengths for as long as I can remember.
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Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 2:57 am
And modesty, too wink . I'll give you more feedback when I read the whole thing. Till then, bear with me. Please try mine and tell me if it's any good.
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Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 4:48 pm
Ooo, nice. You're good at describing those battle scenes. A more detailed review will (hopefully) follow once I'm done with school.
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Posted: Mon Dec 19, 2005 3:55 pm
Mmkay. Now that I have a little more time, and wish to avoid studying, I'll give you an indepth review. ^^ Quote: They attacked first. In the rear a large pile of young trees had had all their branches removed, been sharpened, and then set in a pile. Excellent opening. It really grabs the reader's attention. However... Quote: Wearing the skins of several large animals, probably bears, under the shield it wore as a breastplate, the creature stopped beside his pile. I found that sentence a little awkward. I'd consider rewording it so you can get the meaning more clearly across. Also, you may want to clarify sooner that there is only one giant and lots of goblins. For a little while I wondered if all the creatures attacking were also giants, until it was mentioned later that no, they were goblins. Quote: Reaching down the giant easily lifted a tree with one hand. Reaching back the giant launched his missile deep into the soldier's ranks and toppled a knight on his steed. The command to attack was hardly necessary as the soldiers took up their arms and pressed the attack in their practiced and disciplined formations. I'd advise against starting two sentences in a row with 'reaching,' unless you were going for some sort of parallelism, which usually has three or more parallel things. Also, I assume you mean the human soldiers are the ones who don't need the orders to press the attack? Quote: As this missile ended it's downward arc, it .... Finally a few archers made it into range of the behemoth of a creature and let fly their arrows. Before they hit the mark, however, the giant managed to launch a third missile. In this case, you would use its, not it's. Whenever you get confused about which one to use, ask yourself whether you want 'it is' or not. If the sentence makes sense with 'it is', than use it's. Ohterwise, use 'its,' which is mainly for posessive use. This happens a few times throughout your story... Also, at the end of this passage, I would use 'Before they hit their mark,' not just 'the mark,' but that's just a matter of preference. Quote: As the slim arrows stuck into the giant's thick hide, the giant's third missile hit Ravenne in the gut, shearing through her armour and leaving a large hole in her right side. Immediately crumpling, she had little time to ponder death, as her lifeblood verily poured out of her wound. Straka raced to her and knelt at her side, cradling her head in his arms. Ravenne looked up into his eyes, both knew she was dying. she had not the strength to speak, but her eyes did the job for her. As the last of her life ebbed, she looked into his eyes and for a fleeting moment she found peace in his arms. Then, her body went limp, and her face relaxed in the solace of the dead. I enjoyed your shift from just the general battle to inserting names and making the characters. I haven't really seen it done like that before... or if I have, I've never used it in my writing. It's a pretty neat effect. Oh, and in mainly the first half of your story, sometimes your paragraphs seemed to backtrack events. This one isn't exactly, but the rementioning of the arrows and the missle threw me off. And I know in a few other ones you switched prespectives or views, or the pace of the battle a little too abruptly for my taste. But that's just me, eh? Quote: " . . . no . . . . " The mournful murmur of a single man was, in it's own way, louder than the war all about him. At his feet, lies his dear friend. Her body already growing cold, her lifeless eyes no longer shining with life from within. Slowly, the man's eyes grow as cold. He no longer cared for the battle, for his comrades, for justice, for life itself. All that mattered was the her absence. All he knew anymore was rage and hate. All consuming and all empowering, he felt the pure strength of fury flowing through his veins. His eyes as cold and stern as death itself he looked up from her lifeless body, and picked up his sword. its, not it's. Otherwise, this is a very discriptive paragraph. Good work. Quote: Baltron had moved to console and aid his friend, but before he could lay a comforting hand upon the warrior, he saw the change in Straka. "Straka? Are you . . . . in the name of Sakehiv . . . " Straka no longer had a stride of confidence, nor of uncertainty. Steadfast and sure, calculating and icy, his body was no longer his own. The shell was him, but in essence, the man had become death. His face unchanging, Straka moved through the enemy ranks as though they were nothing more than gnats. First of all, would he have the time to comfort his buddy in this heated battle, or is it not that heated yet? Also, I think you need to put in a little more description of why Baltron was saying what he did. Or rather, what Baltron did after he said that. Quote: Ahead of him, the goblinoids moved in tight formations; their lack of skill compensated by their sheer numbers. Behind them, the giant stood, his thick arms again reaching into his pile of wood for another missile. Bolstered by the sheer knowledge of the giant's presence the goblinoids fought fiercely. Then something caught their eye- a lone human walking out from his support. Sensing a quick kill, the short hominids swarmed to him. They were not altogether stupid. As long as their numbers were overwhelming, they would attack, and overrun anything in their way. Thus, the horde of goblins attacked as one, their amorphous mass swallowing up the lone fighter. Goblinoids is a cool word. Ah yes... these next few paragraphs seem to break the story up into pieces that aren't as cohesive as they could be. We skip from Straka to the army's archers, to Baltron and back to Straka again. Maybe if these were rearranged it would make a little more sense to the reader... Quote: The archers, however, finally gave up on trying to stop the giant.... Baltron looked on in horror as his trusted friend calmly walked into the tide of goblie forces.... Then, his terror took on a new tinge- still for his compatriot, but not for his health. Baltron now watched in horror as Straka began. Straka began what? To kill things, right? Quote: About his neck, Straka failed to notice that his amulet was glowing a fierce red. The goblins swarmed up to him, and he seemed not to care. The first came in with a clumsy stab with it's sword. Using his own blade to parry, the soldier easily turned his blade along the creature's and in one smooth movement, sliced off the goblin's fingers, and sent the blade in a flip into Straka's free hand. The creature barely had time to cry out in pain before the man made a following strike that slit the creature's throat open wide and any other sound it made came out as a bloody gurgle. Caring little for the loss of a single grunt, the nearest set of goblins moved in and attacked. Hoping to crush the impudent man under their numbers, they all struck as one. Rage empowering his body and assaulting his soul, Straka welcomed the attack. Ooo, magical amulet. That was a nice touch to the story, as I suspect it will carry more importance later... Another instance of the it's/its thing in this part. You do a nice job of describing battle scenes. Very good job. Quote: After dealing with the first two, Straka's weapons were not ready yet to handle them, so he simply jumped back sucking in his gut to avoid evisceration. Neither goblin thought he could move so fast, and each sliced deep into it's comrade, both blaming the other, both falling in pain with a collapsed lung. Undaunted, more goblins took the place of their dying brethren, still thinking it to be a simple soldier. They attacked as one- facing the rage in Straka, they died as one. it's/its again. Quote: Baltron and his battalion had little time to watch at first. While Straka was a spectacle, he was only a part of the battle. Still thinking their forces more than adequate to quell the humans, the goblie forces pressed foreword. Scores of the filthy creatures charged foreword, those who were not immediately cut down by the front lines of the soldiers were faced with a new problem. These were not like the simple battles for supremacy between tribes. The humans wore better armour, had better weapons, and worse yet- these were trained soldiers. Before long, the bodies of the dead began to pile high, and the humans still held their ground. Well, first he was watching, but now it says he wasn't at first. So I'd rephrase that to imply that after seeing what Straka was up to momentarily, they had to, you know, fight. Quote: Baltron still had not given the command to fall back, so the soldiers did their best to maintain their defense. Were we supposed to know that he's a commander type person before this? Also, is the commander mentioned below Baltron? Quote: "Stand firm men! we can beat these beasts!!!" the commander defiantly cried. As if in answer, a blur flew past his left side and nothing remained but carnage. When he looked to the hole in the battle, he saw a pile of kindling with two men and three goblins skewered and quite dead. "Damn . . . " Baltron mumbled under his breath. looking up to the giant, the soldier was frightened to see the huge creature smile at his handiwork. Then he saw the lone clearing in the goblie forces, and watched the giant lug another tree onto his shoulder . . . only to toss it into the goblin forces? This paragraph seems to be missing a few captial letters, just so you know. Quote: The giant had finally found the leader. Which leader, Baltron, or Straka? Is this referring to the wood thrown at Baltron, or the one thrown into the goblins? I suppose it's referring to Baltron and the one thrown in his direction, after closer examination of the paragraph, but traveling back in time for a paragraph is a mite confusing. Quote: At the last moment, Straka had ducked and he knew that the giant had killed many of it's own friends. it's/its The entire giant fighting scene is very well done. Good job. ^^ Quote: Standing behind him was the same troublesome human. What could have made it sense him, the bestial creature wondered until he saw the amulet's glow and the matching luminescence in the human's eyes. Not knowing much of magics or spells, the giant simply knew that something was aiding the man. "Cowardly wizard! Must use spells to fight me?" the giant bellowed, once more using his native tongue, neither knowing nor caring if the man understood him. Crazy red stone. It really makes me wonder what it is, exactly... Quote: When the giant left, a single brave goblin moved close to gather what he could from the body of such a resourceful human. Attracted to shiny jewelry, the creature reached for the amulet about Straka's neck. As the clumsy creature grabbed it, however, the goblin knew it's mistake. it's/its. Also, I predicted something to what happened in the next paragraph. So now I really want to know more about the amulet! Quote: When it's vision cleared, the giant turned in rage to see who dared. it's/its Quote: "You win . . . me go, goblins go . . . mercy!" the giant called out in halting common. Straka's eyes began to glow a fierce red, and the giant knew the response even before Straka said it. "Would you give mercy? You would kill me! You killed her! You killed us! You killed YOURSELF!" With a wicked grin and pure vengeful glee the soldier dived his goblie sword into the remaining eye of the prone giant. This time, without a hand in the way, the sword easily slid into the creature's brain. The life drained from the now blind body and all movement ended save a twitch in it's uninjured left arm. Oooo, he angry. Quote: Of the 60 warriors that entered, only 25 remained. Those that survived, however, took some solace in the fact that while over 150 goblins and a giant entered the canyon, less than 30 of the monsters escaped with their lives. Only 60? When I was reading, I'd thought there was more on each side... Oh well. I think you know a little more about wars and fighting than I do. Overall, this is a really well written piece. I just went and nitpicked my way through. I do hope you write more of it; there seems to be quite a bit of plot we don't know about yet, and I'm just dying to know. *paws at*
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Eloquent Conversationalist
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Posted: Fri Dec 23, 2005 7:21 am
eek redface Wow . . . that is a lot of critique, Panpear. Still, that is what I made the thread for. First and foremost, let me say that I appreciate the sheer amount of work you had put into your review, and despite the grammatical errors, you have been most kind. Not to say you were unkind at all, but those are just dumb mistakes on my part. sweatdrop
Secondly, yes, this is a part of a much larger story that I never seem to finish . . . or even get further along in. The fight is somewhere in the middle of the story. Baltron is indeed the commander of this force, and of course Straka is the main charecter with a friend Ravenne that I have yet to determine if she is a love interest for him or not. Regardless, they are good friends and seeing her taken down hits him hard.
Some of the wording can easily be redone- since it is essentially a first draft. For instance, in retrospect I did not realize I started two consecutive sentences with 'Reaching'. My bad! In other cases, there is the off chance of the wrong word coming out. I think 'their', but my hands stop at 'the'. Ick.
As for the comforting to Straka at Ravenne's fall, Baltron was going to- but said the equivalent of 'My God!' in shock at how different Straka became. There was a want to offer some comfort in the heated battle, but there are times when you can just read body language and know that all you might do is get shoved away. Baltron was shocked at the sudden rage in his subordinate/comrade and that pause is what kept him from doing anything until Straka was in the midst of enemy lines.
I did go back and forth, but perhaps I need dividers. The main reason I went from one group to another is to help show that the battle is ongoing. I could attepmt to set up some sort of dividers, but I worried about breaking up the flow of the story. In retrospect, perhaps that was already done but in a confusing way, ne? sweatdrop
Quote: Quote: Baltron looked on in horror as his trusted friend calmly walked into the tide of goblie forces.... Then, his terror took on a new tinge- still for his compatriot, but not for his health. Baltron now watched in horror as Straka began. Straka began what? To kill things, right?
Yeah, with his sudden shift to an enraged state, his work that he starts was implied and then explained later in the story that he was mowing through the goblie ranks.
The magical amulet comes in as a MAJOR plot point in a later portion of the story- with the main villian Detrix and her magical companion, Jarik. He is an imp, small and only a minour danger on his own. Think a small humanoid with wings and a scorpion's tail. Ugly as sin, and cowardly to the extreme.
Quote: Quote: The giant had finally found the leader. Which leader, Baltron, or Straka? Is this referring to the wood thrown at Baltron, or the one thrown into the goblins? I suppose it's referring to Baltron and the one thrown in his direction, after closer examination of the paragraph, but traveling back in time for a paragraph is a mite confusing.
To the Giant, the 'leader' was the one that actually led the charge. Looking at things from a more primitive point of view, the strongest is the one in charge- not the highest rank. Straka had managed to single himself out by going as far as to literally push through the goblin lines whereas the majority of the humans stuck together. To a less militaristic mind, that made him the leader. After all, that is why the Giant led the goblins. Not because he was higher rank, but because he could literally kill anybody else.
Yeah, I really do not care for this paragraph, but it also has to be taken in scope of his emotions. When you are furious, you don't sound very intelligent or articulate either. Obviously, I prefer to use larger words and more flow in the story . . . but Straka had focused all his rage on the one that killed his friend. At the moment of killing the Giant, all of that rage came to a head. Not my best work, but when I look at it like this, it seems alright.
The last point you made was about the number of participants. A military force can be incredibly effective, and need not be an army that spans acres in it's march. As such, it is alright to have a fair amount. 60 seemed to be a good number for this- though it is a bit arbitrary. Goblie tribes, however, multiply like rabbits. Loads of them that individually are very weak, but attacking in a swarm they are dangerous. Such is why there was so many more of them than the humans.
Do you really want another exerpt? I have one or two more somewhere . . . *really shy smile*
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Posted: Fri Dec 23, 2005 6:09 pm
Talon TDS eek redface Wow . . . that is a lot of critique, Panpear. Thanks. ^^;; I (used to) do this all the time at my guild, and for gaia, the easiest way to critique stories is to quote them and just comment on all the things as you read through. Quote: First and foremost, let me say that I appreciate the sheer amount of work you had put into your review, and despite the grammatical errors, you have been most kind. Not to say you were unkind at all, but those are just dumb mistakes on my part. sweatdrop Don't worry about them. It happens all the time. I only pointed all of them out because that way you don't have to search through yourself. I assumed you'd know that they were incorrect anyway, but it never hurts to explain stuff, in case someone else was reading and didn't know. Quote: Secondly, yes, this is a part of a much larger story that I never seem to finish . . . or even get further along in. Ha, I know the feeling... sweatdrop Quote: In other cases, there is the off chance of the wrong word coming out. I think 'their', but my hands stop at 'the'. Ick. Happens to me all the time. Sometimes I try to write 'as' and I get 'and.' My hands are weird. Quote: As for the comforting to Straka at Ravenne's fall, Baltron was going to- but said the equivalent of 'My God!' in shock at how different Straka became. There was a want to offer some comfort in the heated battle, but there are times when you can just read body language and know that all you might do is get shoved away. Baltron was shocked at the sudden rage in his subordinate/comrade and that pause is what kept him from doing anything until Straka was in the midst of enemy lines. Yeah, I thought as much. I just think if you mentioned somewhere that he cut off because he was shocked, it would help make things clearer. So the reader doesn't go... wait- what happened to Baltron... >.> Quote: I did go back and forth, but perhaps I need dividers. The main reason I went from one group to another is to help show that the battle is ongoing. I could attepmt to set up some sort of dividers, but I worried about breaking up the flow of the story. In retrospect, perhaps that was already done but in a confusing way, ne? sweatdrop Yeah... in that aspect, battle scenes are hard to write. Maybe do a large chunk of one person's view, and then do a 'meanwhile', or 'earlier' thing, or something... It's just that switching each paragraph is a little aburpt. Quote: To the Giant, the 'leader' was the one that actually led the charge. Looking at things from a more primitive point of view, the strongest is the one in charge- not the highest rank. Straka had managed to single himself out by going as far as to literally push through the goblin lines whereas the majority of the humans stuck together. To a less militaristic mind, that made him the leader. After all, that is why the Giant led the goblins. Not because he was higher rank, but because he could literally kill anybody else. Yeah, that was my thinking at first. But then I re-read and I was trying to put the events of the previous paragraphs in relation with that, and I came to another conclusion. XD Quote: The last point you made was about the number of participants. A military force can be incredibly effective, and need not be an army that spans acres in it's march. As such, it is alright to have a fair amount. 60 seemed to be a good number for this- though it is a bit arbitrary. Goblie tribes, however, multiply like rabbits. Loads of them that individually are very weak, but attacking in a swarm they are dangerous. Such is why there was so many more of them than the humans. Yeah. I thought the ratio was good. I think I'm just too brainwashed by movies that have 293047290342834 people in their ancient armies. XD Quote: Do you really want another exerpt? I have one or two more somewhere . . . * really shy smile* Well duh I'd like more exerpts. This is good stuff. ^__^
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Posted: Mon Feb 06, 2006 3:19 pm
eek Wow... I can't read all that at once... I'll have an ADD moment. I'll have to print it. What I HAVE read is terrific though, hun. heart
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Posted: Sun Jun 14, 2009 7:02 pm
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Eloquent Conversationalist
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