|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Wed Dec 23, 2009 9:06 am
Pain.
Depression.
Hatred.
Rage.
Outcries ripping from his throat, pleadings tearing apart his spirit; praying to whatever Others there were, begging the soul of his love to return. He begged her not to leave him, begged her not to let him die in misery without her; pleaded with all of his blood-washed tears to her, not hang him to live in loneliness forever.
Losing control, his hatred washed the forest in fire. His grief plunged the sky into blackness, and the air cracked and split with his passion for revenge. He held his dead lover, his beloved and only heart, to his chest; he willed her to look back into his eyes, but she only stared past him into nothingness.
This was the tragic end of the first Romeo and Juliet.
This was the end of the King of the Night, and his princess… the Black Rose.Copyright- beastintheshadows (This is the ending summarized of a book I am writing called The Crimson King. I know it isn't very logical to start with the end of the book, but hey.. sometimes that's how it works. I do have a few chapters written, and I plan on putting them up for criticism as soon as I do a little editing.)
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Dec 29, 2009 2:14 pm
This is interesting; I'm definitely intrigued as to what the rest of the book is like.
I think you need to reconsider some of the wording - 'Outcries ripping from his throat' just doesn't sound right, and I'd change 'pleadings' to 'pleas'.
You could also benefit from using a comma instead of elipses in the last sentence. I'm very much a believer in the effectiveness of understated grammar (and wording, much of the time), and I don't think you need to kind of pause the '...' gives, because it risks looking too overdramatic.
On the other hand, I think that 'Depression' is perhaps an understatement, considering the rest of the extract - perhaps something like 'Despair' would work?
At risk of sounding like the most evil critic known to man, I should point out that I do love the third paragraph. 'His hatred washed the forest in fire' - that's wonderful imagery!
moar plz? razz
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Dec 30, 2009 9:09 am
Hahaha, well thank you. Like a said, this is all just a rough draft thrown together so that I can get an idea of the tale out there. I plan to start posting chapters up when the new year starts. I only have eight chapters, but fair warning now? They're long... sweatdrop
Anyways, thank you very much for the constructive criticism, and I will be sure to keep it all in mind as I write and edit. 3nodding
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Dec 30, 2009 1:43 pm
I approve heartily of long chapters biggrin
Glad you found it helpful - Gods know the number of times people have shouted at me because they decided they didn't like my critique (nobody on this guild, I should add!).
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Jan 05, 2010 5:37 pm
*laughs* I love criticism. UNLESS you only point out the bad and say nothing about the good. It does get a little discouraging... emo
But We're good! And I thank you again. I'm also glad you approve of long chapters. I think my first chapter finished off at 28 pages... ninja Yeah...
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Jan 06, 2010 5:18 am
Wow, go you. XD Long chapters are pretty awesome~ Mine are upwards of 20 pages at first, but scale back to half that, except for 18, which is like thirty. CX
I hope no one shouts that my scathing critiques are... bad...
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Feb 04, 2010 8:44 am
If someone criticises a critique, then to me they didn't want the criticism.. Of course, that means that they shouldn't have posted what it is being criticised to people who have free reign to criticise. But, that's just my opinion.. xp
Thank you for your support Serenity. I think I may have the first chapter up and going some time this month. I'm sorry, but I've been a bit busy.. sweatdrop
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Feb 04, 2010 9:58 am
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
