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 Posted: Tue Nov 24, 2009 6:42 pm
This is the prologue of a story I started. It doesn't look like much at first but I do hope you give it a chance and you might find it to your liking. I would like to say more but I'll leave it to my prologue here and if I find some popularity I'll release the first chapters I already done.
Prologue
Once upon a time...
Sometime in the near future, where war finally came to a halt, a brief moment of peace reigned between countries. People would go on with their everyday lives since much excitement in the world had died with the last war. Violence was far and in between thanks to the new laws, government structures rebuilt by the last president. The cities grew advance technology of economic and environmentally friendly machines. Famine is close to extinct along with third world countries. It got to the point where nuclear projects and major weapons were shut down. There were still issues overlooked by importance but life seemed fair.
It seemed our age saw harmony on the horizon. Sadly, this story isn't about how the Earth turned soft. It began in the United States. Up in the concrete jungle packed with people and their businesses, New York. Life was much easier now. People wore smiles and had a show of courtesy and manners. The streets were still noisy but friendlier. Out of the whole city one man made the greatest, most horrible discovery of their time. He walked out from under a hot dog stand and looked up.
He looked across the harbor and on the other side the statue of liberty. On the tip of its flame was a dark figure he could not recognize. He called others to see if they knew what's up. But they didn't, more people gathered and looked on to the mysterious figure. More gathered and attracted attention from officers. Quick to caution, a chopper was called into the scene. What they saw was beyond belief. An angelic man, upper body bare, his lower draped by a long cloth of white rimmed with sky blue. His greatest features, broad white wings attached to his back.
The chopper did its best to get close but they couldn't. The pilot struggled to push the stick forward, occasionally it'll nudge forward then back. It gone on for a while until they decided to return to headquarters, media sprang in to action. A bizarre incident occurred after a stretched time of peace and norm, they couldn't pass it up. They placed the bizarre being on national TV and he wasn't alone.
Around the world, reports of strange beings mirrored the most famous beings of the bible. Angels and Demons they were called, of different looks and attributes, of beauty and horror, of the greatest dreams and nightmares. Their numbers were terrifying. They stood upon the highest points, off to the side, peered down at humanity. The world an uproar, leaders of these nations needed answers before the people went ballistic, they turned to science.
Science couldn't explain, they tried, but could not approach the beings. On foot they fell to their knees, weakened, suddenly sick. From air the vehicle wouldn't listen, some even went off course. They tried weapons, the gun wouldn't fire. They tried machines, but they exploded or turned around and went back on their own accord.
These numbers of occurrences drove men and women of science crazy. Once this hit the news the world went from uproar to ballistic. Without answers, the people turned to the next best thing. The church, the Vatican welcomed all with open arms, wide smiles. They couldn't foresee the numbers and were bum rushed by sudden believers. With powerful voices, cheerful and scary sayings, their grins grew big along with their pockets.
After six days, on the seventh they disappeared. At the same time they were off the map, off the radar, completely gone. This reached the news, then the people. Many regions received an overflow of believers. New religions were created on the spot. Days passed, people began to doubt what happened. Did it happen? Did the whole human race go crazy?
"No", says the church, "it is a sign of god."
"No", says the pentagon, "it was terrorist or troublemakers."
"No", says the scientist, "we'll get back to you eventually."
Nobody came up with reasonable explanation. Did this really happened, went through everybody's minds. A month later, they received an answer. In an instance, around the world people screamed or shocked to silence.
Cities, towns, regions visited by an angel gave birth to two between the ages of twelve through eighteen. In a brilliant flash of white, golden, blue light. They hovered off the ground, their faces turned to the sky. Their mouths stretched open without a word. White feathery wings formed around them, formed an egg and a minute later they hatched. Given a beautiful, unique form, with or without wings they fell to the ground gracefully. Their eyes ignited with wisdom, hope, strength, and determination before the humans around them. Their former brethren looked up to them. Many fell to their knees and hailed them. Former friends, family, even strangers raise their hands to them…the angels.
Those visited by a demon had the exact opposite. Four demons of teen ages were given birth out of the human populace. They fell to the ground in pain. A heart wrenched scream escaped their lips. Everybody hurried to them, worried when an explosion of demonic energy knocked them back. They stared with fear, their loved ones transformed. Flames and blood sprouted around them, the vision or illusion of wailing souls flew around them. A circle appeared under them. Undead monstrosities appeared, surrounded the chosen ones. Screams and shrieks gathered the attention of these monstrosities, attracted by fear they attacked the innocent. Some transformations were longer than others based on how many people were around. Limbs, bodies, and guts of love ones were thrown upon the chosen then the undead piled themselves on top. Formed into a harden cocoon, liquefied into blood, like ice cream it melted. The chosen exploded out of the horror, gasped for air and took life, human nevermore.
Scared, confused, their minds went gloomy. Their love ones blood was everywhere. Horror struck them and they ran towards the nearest sign of human life but they screamed and ran away. Seeing the fear and hatred of others, they ran to the darkest corner. Hide and recuperate until they had a grasp of what's reality. That was the plan for some. Others simply lounged around like jelly. They were dumbfounded by the carnage and death cause by their upcoming. Many simply played it off like a bad dream. It wasn't.
The media was on it from around every corner. Angels and Demons were both rushed by cameras, lights and horribly annoying people searching for a good story. It was easy for angels. They played it cool and calm, spoke their minds. Unsure about this event, their young age and beauty warmed the people's hearts. Demons either ran or lashed out, causing unfortunate deaths of civilians. Law enforcements sprang in but failed. Mobs formed but failed. These monstrosities couldn't be hurt by human hands. Once everyone knew that, those cities that gave birth to them were in deep fear and carnage. It went on for a few days until a battle between one angel and few demons were recorded. With grace and ease, the angel disposed the demons, hunted each one until the city was free of all four.
The people were in a gracious upheaval. The media reported him a hero, many fell on their knees and hailed him. The church supported him along with the rest of humanity. Loved and ushered by the government for help. Nobody listened to the few and bold scientist who said wait when their own great minds gave in and turned to the church. Like wildfire, angels left their own cities, attacked cities and towns of demons. Their reasons to fight were obvious. Many of them were excited to engage in battle. In fear, the demons attacked, ran or hid. There was only one reason, survival. The war raged around the world, embedded in each of these combatants minds were five simple rules.
This is a battle till one side is completely victorious and the other is extinct. A demon cannot be harmed by a human. An angel cannot directly harm an innocent human. One angel is more powerful than one demon. You cannot kill yourself.
Our story picks up here a month later since the transformations.
Down a barren road was an unrecognizable figure cloaked in a dirty brown robe. The winds picked up and flicked the robe around. It blew harshly to the point where the pin that held it in place broke. Unsheathe from under the cloak a young man of teen years revealed. "You got to be kidding me." The wind tossed his gold bangs around, his blue eyes shown. He looked up to the red and pink sky, the horizon on his back, civilization ahead. He wore a green ragged jacket, a black T-shirt underneath, tight jeans and old pair of blue and white Converse.
Despite his poor appearance, his blue eyes glimmered. He held a strong young face and a look that he seeks something. Out on his own, he didn't fear the elements. He kept on the move, a chance that he might find what he was after. "This better be worth my time, could have stayed home with my new girl." His life has been decent since the awakening but he hungers for trouble to come his way.
Farther down another road, a transport bus emptied of life, except for two, a driver and a young girl. Frequently the driver looked back at the teen and wondered why she headed to this city by herself. She seemed lonely and too young to be without adult supervision. Her hair was long and brown, beautiful green eyes underneath, her babyish cheeks made her seem younger. Dressed in a big blue sweater, rainbow scarf around her neck, a blue skirt reached passed her knees and big black boots. In her hands was a brown teddy bear that had seen better days.
"So, um, you're on your own or something?" The bus man found it unusually quiet and weird.
"Sort of, I got some…business in Manning City." She replied, her voice high pitch and cute.
"Business," he scoffed but regretted it. He looked back at the sad little girl. "Eh, I'm sorry I mean you know what type of city this is you know."
"A demon city…I heard." She said calmly, an awkward silence fell. The bus man sighed, let it drop and focused on driving. The girl herself focused was on something different. She searched within herself, wondered what was up ahead. Deep inside her she had no choice, what she had in plan was not for fun, glory, or enjoyment.
She felt there were people who needed her help, her help against them. With a deep breath, the girl turned her gaze from the floor, towards the front window. Lighted by the last minutes of sunlight, was Manning City, a demon city.
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Posted: Wed Dec 16, 2009 11:32 am
I'm so sorry this took so long! XD Your ideas: ANY idea can be good, it just depends on the writing that portrays it. Don't give up on the ideas, okay? As such, I'm going to focus mainly on the writing. Quote: They tried weapons, the gun wouldn't fire. The comma needs to be a semicolon. They tried weapons; the gun wouldn't fire. It's a basic error. Try to get this out of your writing. It gets easy to catch once you realize you're doing it. Also, don't use words like 'seem' or 'appear', unless you really mean for it to be that way. This means it appears one way but really isn't. (I usually use it to describe faces if the POV character doesn't exactly know what the other is thinking, so there's a bit of looseness for this rule.) Just a note that you've done it correctly: Quote: It seemed our age saw harmony on the horizon. Keep this clear, and stick with one. You do the same thing with verb tenses. Quote: Sometime in the near future, where war finally came to a halt, a brief moment of peace reigned between countries. For example, you've stated that this is the future, and use a future tense, but switch after the second comma to past tense. It jumps around and gets confusing. This whole piece of exposition could be moved. Do you really even need a prologue? A prologue is NOT your first scene. It gives information to the reader, and from what I could tell the information you gave would easily slide into a narrative. See, you're moving a bit too fast. You're telling about differences too quickly and it would all fit better if it moved slowly. Introduce character and setting slowly, together, without scaring the reader away. You could make this, like, the first 25% of the book if you wanted. It's a good rule of thumb: start out ordinary. Move slowly, introducing setting and character immediately, but keep it at a nice pace. ...What? The demons. Again, the pace is what's messing you up. Too much, too quickly. And I don't care much for what's going on, simply because I feel like I'm being lectured. Don't give crucial story elements before the story starts. Put them INSIDE the story. Perhaps you could start 'Chapter One' with the bus scene, and afterward SLOWLY introduce the elements of the pace. It would give some mystery to your story. ^^ All in all, some more practice will fix your problems. heart
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Posted: Tue Dec 22, 2009 5:45 am
I like you're ideas for the story. Just got a few things to say, Quote: Our story picks up here a month later since the transformations. That feels a bit.. weak. When you said what's up in the second paragraph or so. It kinda feels out of place. And about the 7 day angel thing, does this have a bibical reference? When you said that it was 7 days, I remembered that the earth was created in 7 days. I wondered if it had any significence or if it was accidental. But yeah, nice ideas.
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Posted: Wed Apr 21, 2010 8:29 pm
It was very nice. You had a good story line but many parts were unclear and it also jumped to quickly from one spot to another in certain parts. But other than that good job!
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