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 Posted: Fri Nov 20, 2009 12:15 pm
This is the first chapter of my story. The prologue is currently being edited, but I may end up removing the prologue altogether and introducing the back story piece by piece during the first several chapters.
Chapter One
Eyes fluttering open, Gammos rose up into a sitting position. Looking around once, he laid back down and realized that he had been, once again, dreaming of the attack on his city, and the loss of more than half of his family. Light streaming in through the window told him it was morning already, and listening carefully he could hear the low din from the streets below, telling him that the marketplace had opened, and people were beginning to go through their daily chores. It was rather unusual for Auff to neglect to wake him, and Gammos began to ponder the possible reason as he dressed himself.
Once ready, Gammos stood in front of a mirror to view his appearance. He was dressed in a pair of deep blue pants that were held up by a thick, black, leather belt, with the pant legs extending over his black leather boots. He wore a tight, black, sleeveless shirt which was tucked into his pants. His arms were thickly muscled, due to his arduous training as a blacksmith’s apprentice, his dark brown, almost black hair was unkempt, and hadn’t been cut in a long time, nor was the stubble on his chin shaved. His stomach rumbled slightly, and Gammos slung his sword over his shoulder, and exited his bedroom door. Making his way down stairs to the second floor, the living quarters of the blacksmith’s shop, he found Auff and Set eating breakfast already. A plate had already been set for him, so he sat down without a word, and began to eat.
Halfway through his meal, Auff broke the silence, “Boy, you’re undoubtedly wondering why we didn’t start the day early as usual, and why I didn’t bother to wake you,” at this, Gammos was unable to speak over his mouthful of food, so he gave Auff a glance to signal him to continue “Today we’re going to pay a visit to the Ascelle family’s estate. It would seem there’s been an unfortunate circumstance causing their preferred smith to fall out of favor,” pausing for a moment, Auff muttered, “Unfortunate for him anyway,” before continuing, “They’re now searching for a new smith, and Gods willing, they’ll take an interest in our smithy.”
“Our smithy?” Gammos asked, brow raised, “And when exactly were you planning to tell me I was promoted?”
“You’ve been with me for five years, and have enough experience to work without me looking over your shoulder, so you‘ve more than earned this. I will continue to teach you, but we need to expand, and so I’ve arranged for my nephew, Elias, to come and be my new apprentice.”
“And this way you can boast of a three blacksmiths.”
“Exactly. Most blacksmiths work alone or in pairs, rarely in a larger group,” Auff quickly gave Gammos an appraising look, “You need to cut your hair, boy, and shave while you’re at it, as the Ascelle family will not suffer for one of poor appearance to enter their estate.”
“You’ve arranged for both of us to meet with the Duke’s Advisor?”
“That’s correct, you’re going to accompany me this afternoon, though you won’t speak unless spoken to, and if you are asked about our youngest apprentice, try and be convincing when you tell them he is already well into his first year. Now, off you go, and pick out your finest attire, for in a few short hours, we’ll be presented.
“You look rather foppish in that outfit, Auff,” Gammos said pulling playfully at his master’s frilly cuffs. Auff’s outfit was a rather simple yet elegant affair, a white shirt with slightly billowing sleeves was tucked into his pants with a brass-buttoned, burgundy vest over it. His pants were tight, black and tucked into equally black shin high boots which were ornamented with three brass buckles on the leg.
“I’m not a big fan of court attire either, I don’t care for the ornamentation, nor the lack in mobility,” Auff glared at Gammos, “You’re fortunate you have no need to suffer such attire,” Gammos simply had on what he had worn that morning, though he now wore a garish brown cloak as well, and while he did shave, he had opted to comb and slick back his hair rather than cut it short.
“Auff, there is a difference between being spared from finery, and having a distinct lack of it. Besides, you only lack mobility, because your outfit was tailored when you were a younger, fitter man,” Gammos jested at his teacher’s girth, for Auff clothes in fact quite tight, and with each movement he made, the fabric visibly strained. At the joke, Auff shot his apprentice a dirty look, then pointedly ended the conversation.
For the remainder of their journey to the Ascelle estate, both master and apprentice walked in relative silence. Gammos used that to his advantage by allowing most of his attention to soak in the sights of the capital city’s upper district. For the most part he was paying attention to the people they passed, the women striking stunning figures in silk gowns and ornate hairstyles. All of the men wore similar clothing to the elder blacksmith, though they were clothed in what Gammos assumed was a finer material. Soon, the two had turned down the path away from the main upper district towards the Ascelle Estate. They passed beneath marble arches at even intervals all the way up until they reached the grand entrance where two pike wielding guardsmen were stationed.
When they approached Auff pulled out a small missive and handed it to one of the guards, who knocked upon the door thrice. Almost immediately a small porter opened the door and ushered the two in, obviously forcing himself not to comment on Gammos’ poor appearance. Once inside, he offered to take Gammos’ cloak, though Gammos politely declined, and waited patiently for the man to speak.
“Gentlemen,” the porter sounded, “Welcome to the Ascelle manse. The Duke’s Advisor has been expecting you, however, he wishes only to speak to the master of the smithy,” he glanced pointedly at Gammos, “And you, sir, may wait in the courtyard if it pleases you,” Gammos caught Auff’s eye, his employer simply nodded to him, and he in turn nodded to the porter. Speaking to Auff now, the porter continued, “A guard will be along shortly to escort you to your meeting, while I escort your young apprentice.”
Auff nodded to the porter, and suddenly Gammos found himself following the man at a brisk pace, through the halls and then out into the courtyard.
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Posted: Wed Dec 16, 2009 12:48 pm
*Transcribing thoughts critic. Prepare for sarcasm. XD ...........GROAN. Are you kidding? The 'suddenly, X awakes!' opening? It's ridiculously cliche. PLUS you've started with a dream. It just doesn't WORK that way anymore. (Wait, haven't you, Emily, done openings like this before? *BE QUIET YOU) Also, I want to know about this guy, not about his dream, or about the setting or... blah. Introduce character first, please. It could be so interesting if the opening hadn't ruined it for me. (What's wrong with you, Emily? That was mean... *Shut UP CONSCIOUS!) Eh, don't use stuff like 'he could hear'. Let the sound do its own thing. The sound *action verb* through the window, blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah lazy me trying not to do essays blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. (You are a horrible critic, Emily.) "...dreaming of the attack on his city, and the loss of more than half of his family." OH parsnip. A tragic back story already? I don't even KNOW anything about this guy. Oh. My. God. A mirror. I laughed. I'll admit it. I laughed. Do you wake up in the morning and describe yourself in your nice old mirror? (Yeah, look at my piercing blue eyes and my dark hair that falls across my cheeks in such a Brooding Manner. My pale skin, average height, my seamless abs... I do this every morning. I'm a narcissist.) That's exactly what the mirror thing says. Please try to avoid. Describing clothes. NEVER DO IT EVER AGAIN. I don't care about his black leather belts and tight pants and I refuse to ever care about them. You COULD mention he wears black leather, but I heard a total description and I hated every two~three sentences of it. I was reminded of Ebony D'arkness Raven Dementia Way. Are you going to describe his clothes every time he changes? Don't, just NO. '...you,” at this, Gammos was unable to speak over his mouthful of food, so he gave Auff a glance to signal him to continue “Today....' How about: '...you." At this, Gammos... ...to continue. "Today...' Okay, I'm seeing too much wrong with the dialogue in this moment. You interject and add stuff and UGH it's just painful to read. AND still, I know nothing about this guy. Why should I root for him, except for his muscled HOT arms and tragic back story? What is his personality like? What kinds of foods does he like? Is his room messy or clean? Is he serious? Funny? What? I don't know. Okay, let me get just a little example time, okay? Dialogue: "I love you," he said, turning away. "I always have." "I love you." He turned away. "I always have." "I love you," he said, turning away, "and I always have." (I prefer the second one, myself.) Anyway, keep the structure in mind when you write. If it isn't connected by 'and', because', or 'so' or something like that, then the sentence is over. That means a period goes after 'said'. The comma is ONLY if what is being said isn't over yet, as in number three. Auff. He likes to talk in long sentences, doesn't he? He likes to connect, and he likes to run on, and he likes to give exposition and he likes to talk, doesn't he? Each character has a voice. If he's really like this, then fine, but if EVERYONE does it I, as a reader, am not going to like it much. ^^ So Auff explains the line of work that he is already in to someone who is already in the line of work. What? Try to avoid giving information out that everyone in story also knows. Do you talk to people like this? "I've been alive for eighteen years, and I feel I deserve to finally enroll into college, and you just graduated from high school with all As." Just keep it in mind, okay? Let your character's voices come through, and your story will be better for it. ^^ So, what I've learned about G. He's lazy and unkempt, and knows nothing about his job. He has a tragic past. Okay, what does this line MEAN? “And this way you can boast of a three blacksmiths.” “You’ve arranged for both of us to meet with the Duke’s Advisor?” OMG I'm SO EXCITED!!!!! What? I have no idea how he feels. He seems to be a blank slate of leather clothes and unkempt heroism. Maybe. '“You look rather foppish in that outfit, Auff,” Gammos said pulling playfully at his master’s frilly cuffs.' Oh, so gay. The undertones.... YOU DID NOT JUST DESCRIBE CLOTHES AGAIN. Are you TRYING to kill me? Auff. Mr. Exposition. He must be a good teacher, if he sits and explains EVERYTHING that could have been revealed in better ways. Ah, I see. Gammos got his job because of the leather. Auff likes leather. And boys. (You are horrible. I am SO leaving. Worst. Critic. Ever.) I'm so sorry. That was uncalled for. *tries to regain composure* Attire. Attire. Attire. How many times was it said? '“Auff, there is a difference between being spared from finery, and having a distinct lack of it. Besides, you only lack mobility, because your outfit was tailored when you were a younger, fitter man,” Gammos jested at his teacher’s girth, for Auff clothes in fact quite tight, and with each movement he made, the fabric visibly strained.' This. It is one sentence. I will let you read it again and figure out why I'm so disturbed by it. '...pointedly ended the conversation.' How did he end it? What did he DO? Nothing interesting about their part of the city, or even the city itself, hmm? It's all as bland as our main character. 'was paying' Avoid 'was' at all costs. How about just 'paid'? There is a difference between 'he jumped' and 'he was jumping'. "where two pike wielding guardsmen were stationed."  ...Just to lighten the mood. XD 'Auff pulled out a small missive.' What is a missive? But at least he's not explaining to G about it. Need MOAR character, less story at first, okay? More OMG less leather. ...............I want to read more. heart
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Posted: Tue Dec 22, 2009 5:26 am
Serenity Reed. I have something to say to that. You said you want to know everything about him as it's introduced. Like for example, let me throw this together. Quote: AND still, I know nothing about this guy. Why should I root for him, except for his muscled HOT arms and tragic back story? What is his personality like? What kinds of foods does he like? Is his room messy or clean? Is he serious? Funny? What? I don't know. Alright so, are you asking for something like: He woke up with sweat running down his face. He had a bad dream again, the same one as usual, About the incidicent in the city. His arms were shaking. He was about 6 feet high, liked the colour blue. His favorite food was waffles. His personality is friendly, although he doesn't hold back from revenge if someone offends him. He looked around his messy room. He was a serious guy. No? That kind of feels out of place, and badly written. I think a better idea is to just give the information as it gets to a reasonable scene, then you can talk about his preference THEN about his backstory that can relate to this. You kind of implied the first thing by the way. But like, it would be better if he talked about food, AT THE TABLE. This also opens up for related backstory / maybe he's a cook. maybe he accidently set his city on fire from being a horrible cook? Dunno. But yeah. Reply to me will you?
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Posted: Tue Dec 22, 2009 10:12 am
That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying I'd like to know something soon, but not everything. You took an example of things I COULD know and twisted it. Writing a story is what we're after, I know, but the thing that makes a story sing is the characters. When introducing a character, it's important to give them a 'niche' so that the reader understands what he or she is looking at. The main characters are most important of all. Take a look at the opening of Pawn of Prophecy by David Eddings. "The first thing the boy Garion remembered was the kitchen at Faldor's farm. For all the rest of his life he had a special warm feeling for kitchens and those peculiar sounds and smells that seemed somehow to combine into a bustling seriousness that had to do with love and food and comfort and security and, above all, home. No matter how high Garion rose in life, he never forgot that all his memories began in that kitchen." Okay, three lines. Now, what do we know about Garion? He's sentimental. He'll rise high in life. He's probably warm-hearted, as the second sentence appeals to the 'home' sense of the reader. Also, note that with the first three lines, the stor hasn't even started yet. Now, let's re-read the first lines here. Eyes fluttering open, Gammos rose up into a sitting position. Looking around once, he laid back down and realized that he had been, once again, dreaming of the attack on his city, and the loss of more than half of his family. Light streaming in through the window told him it was morning already, and listening carefully he could hear the low din from the streets below, telling him that the marketplace had opened, and people were beginning to go through their daily chores. It was rather unusual for Auff to neglect to wake him, and Gammos began to ponder the possible reason as he dressed himself. As you can see, we've jumped right into the story. Not that there's anything wrong with that, it just loses an opportunity to start with something 'personal' about your character. What do we know about Gammos? He has dreams, of an attack on his city where his family was killed. Other than that, I really have no idea. And what I know is backstory, without any feelings attached. I'm not saying to write 'He was so sad and distraught about his family! He would always sob for them!' But, honestly, it would probably be better to take the reference to family out, but start with something which allows you to say something about his humanity. That's what gets a reader to keep reading, you see. ^^ Something more like.... "He was dreaming again. Those dreams. The light streaming in through the window told him..." That way, my interest as a reader is peaked, but it's not been revealed to me yet. All we need is an opening line, and viola! We have the beginning of a story. By the way, it was Stephen King who tells young writers not to make a character look into a mirror. (I don't recall if he said anything about dreams, either, but he probably warned against them.) The dream opening is kind of hard to pull off, and not sound cliche, that's all. http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/EstablishingCharacterMomentAgain, establishing character is really important for a story. Take some examples from the link above. The Harry Potter series has several of these, the first for the title character. It's made plainer in retrospect, but Harry's insistence he's not a wizard, that he's nothing special, in the face of a giant man tracking him through a raging thunderstorm, knowing his birthday, and giving him a letter stating as much, reveals a certain something about his character. * Hermione Granger introduces herself by speaking very quickly, showing excitement for school, dispensing information others don't know, and — this is key — helping a fellow student who's lost something. * Ron Weasley, meanwhile, is quite literally the first friend Harry ever makes his own age (Hagrid being the first friend, period). It sets the tone for their relationship throughout the rest of the series, as Ron's loyalty is one of the things which gives Harry strength. It's possible to delve into the story and give character development as the scene advances, but it's better to establish a little bit of sympathy in the reader for your main, before you start.
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Posted: Tue Dec 22, 2009 11:21 am
Alright. I just was discussing what I thought you implied and wanted to make a point. i didn't know if you meant all at once or just one detail.
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Posted: Tue Dec 22, 2009 12:08 pm
It's fine! I was just giving examples of details that COULD be included. ^^
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