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 Posted: Sat Nov 07, 2009 4:46 pm
I feel like this old rant needs to go, so this is all technically edited, but really i just deleted the rant and started over. There was really no reason to bring any of that up, it's not helping anything, not making me feel better, i'm not going to solve anything so it's gone.
Something i am currently stressing about - College. Evil. I have a book of some good colleges and it's helpful, but it's also making me want to go to colleges i cannot get into (i.e. Stanford). And it's really bothering me because i know there are some really good schools that i can get into, even one school i would consider to be a top choice. But ugh i just really want to go to Stanford, and i know i can't get in unless i can spontaneously get a 4.0 and become valedictorian and perfect ACT or SAT score and volunteer for like a million hours and get a job and like rescue an infant from a burning building or something. And i mean it says an application factor is talent, and character. How the hell am i supposed to apply for that, or improve that, i can't just go out and get a talent. And it's not like i can just invent some "character," what the hell does that even mean!? This is just so frustrating and i'm feeling bipolar or something, one moment i'm happy thinking maybe i can actually do this and get into this amazing school and afford it and everything. And the next moment i'm thinking i can never get into this f*cking place who the hell am i kidding, i'm not smart enough, i'm not special enough, i'm not "diverse" enough, i'm not talented enough, i'm not rich enough. Nothing i do is enough to get into this school, and how the hell can i expect to have a chance when they reject people with over a 4.0 who got like a 36 on the ACTs, i'm clearly not as smart, not as intelligent, not as hard working, not as creative, not as driven. And i work so f*cking hard, or at least it feels like i do and i don't feel like i can do anymore and no matter how hard i study i keep getting a B and i don't know what to do if i can't even do better that these assholes at my school how could i ever get into Stanford. And i work so hard and i do my best and it's not good enough and i'm still not smart enough and my scores still aren't high enough and my parents still aren't happy and my sister is still better and my brother is still "special" and i'm nothing.
And none of it is ever enough.
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Posted: Thu Nov 19, 2009 7:50 pm
This may end up as a dumping ground for rants because i don't want to make a new topic and this is related.
My grades won't frickin' change and i have to take the ACT next month with writing which i am totally gonna fail because i SUCK at writing which really sucks because i actually enjoy writing. And i have a f*cking 3.notgoodenough GPA and i really want and f*cking 4.0 but that's not going to happen and i'm not going to get into anywhere, especially not Stanford and i'm going to end up at Kalamazoo with Sam. Which i guess isn't horrible, it's a good school, i've wanted to go there for a while. But i want to branch out. I don't want to be stuck in my sister's footprints yet again. Especially if i decide to do pre-law since i'm pretty sure that's exactly what she's doing at Kalamazoo right now. And if Sam gets in we'll probably end up rooming together and then i'll never meet anyone knew and she will because she's prettier and funer and more outgoing and i am just not.
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