alright. this is the introduction to a story i'm writing at the moment. after you read it please tell me what you think. if you read this on the first page of a book would you want to keep reading? why or why not?
The dark woods of Bellon loomed ahead in the distance. Gasping for air, a young man completely covered in a long, black traveling cloak ran full out towards them, desperately clutching a small bundle in his arms. Behind him, just past the hill, the sky was lit with fire and the smell of burning flesh. The scent clung to the man like burs, stabbing relentlessly at him when he least expected it. He took in a much needed breath and nearly gagged on the taste.
Still running he chanced a look over his shoulder to check for pursuers. There were none yet, but he knew that would soon change. Putting on a last burst of speed, the youth made it to the woods and sprinted several dozen yards down the path before he lost his momentum and finally slowed to a walk. Pressing one hand to his side he turned to the right and began trudging into the woods themselves.
When he had gone what he judged to be a safe distance he slumped to the ground exhausted, the bundle still cradled in one arm. Pulling back his cloak, the young man’s face was finally revealed. He had blood red eyes, a small pointed nose and a strong jaw that was kept clean except for a small tuft of beard under his lower lip. The beard was a golden red color, a few shades lighter than his reddish-brown hair. His clothes were plain brown traveling clothes at the moment and attached to the front of his shirt was a small silver cross that marked him as a Brother in the Church.
This Brother, though at the moment his face was ruddy and covered in sweat, was usually a kind man with a pleasant face and gentle personalitiy. His features twisted with something near loathing however, as he looked down at his burden. “So much trouble,” he sneered. “For such a hideous little thing…”
He moved the cloth wrapping away and revealed an infant boy. The child was awake, staring up at the Brother with wide, unnaturally knowing eyes. His hair was dark as most babies’ were, but his eyes disturbing; one blue eye and one green eye, with no trace of red in either one.
“Soulless abomination,” the man hissed at the infant. “You’re the devil’s child himself, I swear it!”
The baby’s face puckered at the anger radiating from the man, but no tears or cries followed after it.
“You haven’t even cried once since I’ve seen you; you’re unnaturally silent, Damian,” he said, spitting the boy’s name like a curse. “But I was commanded by God’s servant to save you and I am obedient to God’s will in all things. The sooner I am rid of you though, the better.” And having said all he wanted to, the young Brother closed his eyes and quickly fell into a light asleep.
Still running he chanced a look over his shoulder to check for pursuers. There were none yet, but he knew that would soon change. Putting on a last burst of speed, the youth made it to the woods and sprinted several dozen yards down the path before he lost his momentum and finally slowed to a walk. Pressing one hand to his side he turned to the right and began trudging into the woods themselves.
When he had gone what he judged to be a safe distance he slumped to the ground exhausted, the bundle still cradled in one arm. Pulling back his cloak, the young man’s face was finally revealed. He had blood red eyes, a small pointed nose and a strong jaw that was kept clean except for a small tuft of beard under his lower lip. The beard was a golden red color, a few shades lighter than his reddish-brown hair. His clothes were plain brown traveling clothes at the moment and attached to the front of his shirt was a small silver cross that marked him as a Brother in the Church.
This Brother, though at the moment his face was ruddy and covered in sweat, was usually a kind man with a pleasant face and gentle personalitiy. His features twisted with something near loathing however, as he looked down at his burden. “So much trouble,” he sneered. “For such a hideous little thing…”
He moved the cloth wrapping away and revealed an infant boy. The child was awake, staring up at the Brother with wide, unnaturally knowing eyes. His hair was dark as most babies’ were, but his eyes disturbing; one blue eye and one green eye, with no trace of red in either one.
“Soulless abomination,” the man hissed at the infant. “You’re the devil’s child himself, I swear it!”
The baby’s face puckered at the anger radiating from the man, but no tears or cries followed after it.
“You haven’t even cried once since I’ve seen you; you’re unnaturally silent, Damian,” he said, spitting the boy’s name like a curse. “But I was commanded by God’s servant to save you and I am obedient to God’s will in all things. The sooner I am rid of you though, the better.” And having said all he wanted to, the young Brother closed his eyes and quickly fell into a light asleep.
