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Tags: writing, artistry, poetry, music, creativity 

Reply Writing - Short Stories, Poetry, etc.
Prologue of my story, tell me what u think.

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The Ducktape Alchemist

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PostPosted: Thu Oct 22, 2009 4:44 pm


PROLOGUE




She walks to the shore, her bare feet making no sound on the warm sand. Subconsciously she knows she shouldn’t be here… but her conscious mind pays no attention to the warnings. A bird swoops down and lands on the ground in front of her, it seems familiar, but she just can’t remember where she’s seen it before…
It suddenly grows and becomes a human, “Hello Adrienne, sleep well?”
“W-what are you talking about?” asks Adrienne, the hair on her arms standing on end.
“Don’t you remember our fight?” Asks the bird-girl, “ The one where I kicked the s**t out of you and left you in a coma?”
“N-no I don’t…” Adrienne backs up a few steps before tripping over a piece of driftwood.
The bird-girl laughs, “ I see making you one of us didn’t help you much, at least not with your sense of balance”
 
PostPosted: Sat Oct 24, 2009 7:49 am


Just a few details I find are off. (I am an aspiring writer myself, so I apologize for the length.)

First, the point of view. Somehow, I don't think this scene should play out in present tense. Maybe this is just because I dislike present tense, but the words seem to be awkwardly put together. Back it up into past tense.

Second, mention what time of day it is; is it sunrise, morning, afternoon, sunset, evening, midnight? Even if you want to keep this prologue ambiguous, you can still bear to mention what time Adrienne is going out to the beach.

Third, you say the bird morphs into a human, and the next time the bird talks, you say it's a bird-girl. Maybe say "It suddenly grows and becomes a young girl with light brown hair and black eyes. The girl is wearing a flowing white dress wtih gray edges, true to her former form of a seagull." Usually, when animals form into humans in stories, the clothing they wear stays true to their former form as an animal. And of course, it doesn't have to be a seagull, although those are most commonly found near beaches.

Fourth, do we really need the bird-girl to be cursing? I found this scene as very calming, and that sentence sounds like it came out of a villan vs. hero showdown scene. It totally depends on the species, but birds are usually very innocent creatures, and for them to be saying that stuff is like a punch to the stomach. (The only time I could see a bird-girl saying that was if it was a hawk.)

Fifth, is there more? Sounds like an abrupt ending. Also, it's spelled "prologue." Sorry if I sounded too harsh, but editors will do that.

Princess Tessa of Sailand

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Writing - Short Stories, Poetry, etc.

 
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