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 Posted: Tue Oct 20, 2009 6:32 pm
I really need to be doing my homework right now and studying. But i'm feeling really stressed out about personal stuff that i shouldnt really be stressed about. And now i feel like i might cry and i want to curl up and hide in my close but i can't because its a mess and full of clothes and i don't have time for that. I really want to talk to someone but i already talked to one of my friends i thought everything was fine but now i just am not feeling fine. I really could talk to any of them i think but i just can't or don't want to or something, i don't really know. And i think i've already exhausted the subject with one friend and i don't want to bring it up, but i do. And i'm in the mood to talk and i have no one to talk to and i have no idea what i'm doing tomorrow and i hate NHS and i want to quit and i hate living in Howell and i don't want to be what i am that i told my friends about and am afraid to tell anyone else about. And i can't decide if i still like him or if i ever did or if i like the other person or if i ever did or if i still do or if i like them both. And i still havent figured out if i am or was in love with the other guy but that doesn't really matter now but i really want to know and i'm mad that i never told him and he never knew and he'll never know and i'm mad that we never talk anymore and i'm mad that she doesn't love me and never will.
And i'm mad that i'm crying right now when i need to be studying and i'm mad that i'm too afraid to tell anyone what this was all really about.
Edit: And now that i've sat in my closet for a bit. I'm even more mad that my closet doesn't feel like it used to. And i'm mad that i have no where to go and no release for this anymore. And what i'm most mad about is the fact that she made me realize this and i can't talk to her about it. And she'll never know about it and she'll never feel like i do about it.
And i'm mad that she'll never love me.
And i'm mad that i'm crying again, even more this time. And i'm mad that no one is here. And i'm mad that i can't go back to ignoring this, and i'm mad that i want to go back to ignoring it and i'm mad that i hate this when i was so i love with it and happy about it a few days ago. And i'm mad because i can't tell anyone else, and i'm mad that even though they've been through it they wouldn't get it. And i'm mad that i'm becoming the 8th grade version of myself i spent the past two years trying to get rid of.
And i'm mad that i really want to go dig a razor out of that drawer.
And i'm mad that this rant has gone from being about my new problems to digging up my old ones. And i'm mad that i can't f*cking get over what happened, and i'm mad that after two years it still effects me. And i'm mad that it'll never go away, and i'm mad that i've given up hope on it. And i'm mad that it dominates every part of my life. And i'm so f*cking mad that she can still do this to me.
Ok, so i think i'm done with that. Not specific. If you actually read it, i talk about two different guys and three different girls.
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Posted: Tue Oct 20, 2009 7:13 pm
Excuse my artistic side from bursting through, but I was thinking it the whole time of reading this: you could make a VERY impressive free-verse poem out of this. Start out calm, and just get more and more jittery, unmovable, less space between sentences, phrases, words... it would be great.
Anyway, since I can tell that you're not to into telling your problems somewhat-publicly, I would like to inform you that I really enjoy listening to other people in their troubles. Sometimes my way of approaching other people's problems will work, and other times they won't, it all depends in the situation and the person at hand, so I would like you to know that I'm always free for discussion, and I will try to get back to you as soon as possible, so long no distractions hit me.
So, if a private message is in order, please send it, but please don't send everything at once. Just like you (as I can pull from your post), I don't like being invaded by so many different troubles at one time.
So please, if it makes you feel any better, or if it would make you feel any better, find an outlet. I am offering myself as one.
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Posted: Tue Oct 20, 2009 8:00 pm
If you ever need to talk (person to person) just shoot me a pm and I'll send you my cell phone number.
Sometimes, just talking to a third uninvolved person is very helpful.
Just remember that here in the guild, we're all on your side.
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Posted: Tue Oct 20, 2009 8:14 pm
True fact, as cherry said. If you need someone to talk to, you can hit me up with a PM, too. I can't say that I'll be able to say anything to help but, I'll listen. I'll always listen. ((I'm a jr. youth person at my church, I'm used to teenagers, close to my age and younger, coming to me just to vent and let someone know what's going on. So, Feel free. ^^))
And I promise, as I promise all of my youth, I will not and never will judge you.
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Posted: Wed Oct 21, 2009 1:02 pm
@Prince: I am a horrible poet, if you want to make a poem i give you the right to my rant for a poem.
@Everyone: Thanks for the support, i'm feeling much better. But i will take you all up on the offer to talk next time i'm in that kind of mood.
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