9.19.04
I...I haven't been to headquarters for a while now. The last time I saw Essence she had collapsed, and there was a note written in blood...A confession of her love to me. Her skull was off, and she was revealed to me, for me.
How...how could this have happened? Did we all overreact, or were we right to say what we said? How did an event such as this throw my whole life off balance? All I can say now is it's never going back to what it was before. It almost feels like a drea-...a nightmare. I'm stuck in the nightmare of my life.
I've become much more quiet now. Mom still gives me my pill every morning, but I don't really see the use. After all, my boundless energy has now seemingly escaped me, and is replaced by a feeling of weight on my shoulders. It's a terrible feeling, to tell the truth. I just wish...
I just wish things could go back to what they were. Can they? Can we really rewind?
I doubt it. Now, too many people have said and done things they probably didn't even mean, and now everyone's upset and angry. This whole time I knew that it wasn't really that bad...and yet mom and I continued to be angry. Why? Because we couldn't do anything.
That's one thing that she and I share, is our ability to blow up at people. We explode, say things we regret later, and for what? A needless grudge, that's what. We always get angry when we can't do a damn thing, and this time, we couldn't do a damn thing. So you know what we did? We got angry. And I'm dreadfully sorry we did.
I don't know how Essence is, or even if she's still alive for that matter. I know my life right now seems rather bleak. The most I see of my kind are Isto and Mauli over at the Jivvins center. Mom tries to get me to socialize with them, but...it's too much of a reminder. Now, I prefer isolation most of the time.
Sometimes I just want to find mom and curl up on her lap and cry. It's because I know how many friends I've lost from my own grief and self-pity, and yet I can't seem to pull myself out of it. I've dropped the mask, and I don't think people like what they see beneath it.
I think I've hurt too many people to go back. Nope, I can't rewind time. I would, I so would, and if I tried it a million times I'd pray that one of those times the message would get through that maybe I'm overreacting, maybe I'm being silly about something, maybe I should just be happy with what I have.
I confess: I am sorry for what I have done, for what I think I have caused, and for what I have lost.
I am sorry for being a coward in front of Essence, and for letting her down when she needed me most.
I am sorry for making mom feel the way she did just by being a depressed, bitter jerk.
I am sorry for what I have done. I guess this is my confession...too bad no one sees it.
But for now, I have to live with myself. And right now, it seems like the hardest thing to do. I'm...I'm sort of confused right now, and I think I'm gonna go take a nap.
-Odd
