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Ok, so where do I start. Friggin' I'm friends with this guy online for over two years. I don't wanna say his name so for the rest of this if I'll refer to him as: crying crying crying , lol. We've been through a lot of ups and downs, almost resulting in us stopping to speak at least ten times.

People ask me why I try so hard to maintain the friendship. Especially since I've lost touch with other good friends who did absolutely nothing wrong (I was just overwhelmed. More about this in a bit.) I've had at least two good friends inquire if there was the potential that crying crying crying or I had feelings for each other beyond friendship. I can't speak for him (although I'd think he would make a move before now in all of this time, and what would he want with some internet girl who won't even give him her real name or photo etc.) Anyhow, as far as I am concerned I am very much in love with my soul mate of a boyfriend and that's that. The reason he is so important to me, aside from caring about him/his needs, is because we connect in a very rare way. I'm kind of a social outcast. I don't mean to be usually these days but it's like people can sense it. Even nice open minded people find it hard to be friend me. Maybe it's me? Who knows. It seems as if I am garbage not worth most people's time. Too bizarre to handle. But rather then wanting to toss me away, crying crying crying (until now ish) has always enjoyed all of my craziness. I'm a perfectionist and it feels good to know that even what I feel is wrong with me he likes. We have SO much fun together. We even choose to see each other less so we didn't get addicted to each other like a video game. We still have lots of problems, like any friendship. But there is some type of special connection there. It's like he is the best friend I always wanted growing up. When I used to get jealous of those friends who were attached by the hip and wonder how anyone could be that close with someone else. With him it is how I feel, even over the internet. So I hope that demonstrates why I've done what I can to salvage the friendship, even when the concerns have been on my end.

Ok, so whats going on now is a bit similar to something that happened early on in the friendship. I'll try to be brief (and probably fail lol) describing what happened then first. So there is this girl, who I'll call

scream scream scream (lol), and I was barely ever friends with her but she has talked to/been alright online friends with crying crying crying for about the same amount of time I have. She used to be very jealous (possibly still is) that crying crying crying and I are so close. She couldn't understand what I had that she didn't. Whether she believed it or not, she attempted to ruin the friendship by convincing him that I was a "fake" person. This could not be farther then the truth, and luckily with some minor reminders to him, he realized that I had shared so much personal experiences, emotions, and beliefs with him, that not sharing my personal info (like name, address, photo, phone number, etc.), like she had, was less important then that. I was pretty angry with her because she had deliberately tried to ruin one of the few happy and important things in my life. I forgave her about a year ago because I figured she was immature and it wasn't worth my anger. For the first time since then I messaged her on msn last night.

I figured she must have grown up somewhat in these two years. I was talking to her about a letter I was drafting to a real life friend I lost touch with many many years ago. I asked her how she was (which she only responded with "good"...no elaboration) and asked if she would look at the letter and let me know what she thought. She agreed and responded similarly to my boyfriend: that is sounded very depressing and desperate. Well, I was just trying to be honest. I don't like to hide how I feel. I am not suicidal over it like she interpreted, lol. I just feel deeply upset with myself for stopping to speak to him. He did absolutely NOTHING wrong and for all I know he has been wondering this whole time what he did. I didn't want him to think I was nonchalant about it, because I'm filled with regret about it. What is so wrong with me caring for my friends a lot? Anyhow, scream scream scream was very helpful and went back and forth with me until it sounded happier but also conveyed my true feelings. crying crying crying signed onto msn and I told him I was speaking to scream scream scream , which of course he was surprised to hear. He said "Ya'll better not be talking about me" and I laughed and winked and said "Nah, we have more important things to talk about." He laughed and she even laughed and said "exactly" when I told her. So I was starting to think "Isn't this nice" no bs drama. Just friends helping each other out and being cordial.

But then out of nowhere, crying crying crying starts saying he is really worried about me from the letter. So I said to him "You have known I've been crazy all these years, it's bothering you now suddenly" and he said yes and was acting VERY weird and then said he wanted some time to himself away from me. The thing is, I showed him that letter three times the day before with no problems. I know I have no proof, but I could bet she said something to him. Something dramatic like "she's a psycho, she'll kill herself if you stop being her friend, etc." Which is of course ridiculous, but he gets convinced of things way too easily. It is possible I am being paranoid, I tend to do that. But it just seems as if she saw an opportunity to wedge between us again and took it. His reaction was too sudden.

Anyhow, even though it may be hard to tell from reading this, I'm not as worked up over this as I've been in the past. In fact, that is one of the reasons I am writing this. It's not that I don't care, it hurts. He should know me better by now and she shouldn't mess with things (if she did at all) without caring what impact it has on others. The thing is, I am pretty sure when he is ready to talk to me, and this will probably end up happening, if I spend a good hour explaining things he would feel better and things would go back to normal. But, I'm starting to get really tired of having to work this hard to maintain a friendship, even this important friendship. It's not that a friendship isn't worth effort. It's that I'm angry that crying crying crying can change his opinion of me for the worst in the blink of an eye after knowing me so well. It bothers me that I'm always open with him and he isn't with me. But then again, it must be frustrating form his end as well. He is putting a lot of effort in as well. there are some things he says he can't tell me because he knows they would bother me and it is hard for him to stop himself, but he does it to protect me. That isn't really fair to him that my issues are preventing him form being open either. But I trust his judgment.

Anyhow, I find myself angry at scream scream scream even though I can't confirm yet if she played a part in this. I'm laughing at myself for being childish and blaming her. It really shouldn't matter. She is not a good friend. She is a very cold person from what it seems. I'd rather be crazy and care for my friends. Sorry if that is dumb.

Ok, enough of this rant. If you'd like to read the letters to that other friend I lost touch with so you can get a bigger picture of this whole thing here the two different versions are in smaller text:

Version one (before getting help from scream scream scream ) :

Dear Hair-John,

The next paragraph is a little sad sounding because I feel pretty bad about being out of touch. So I figured I’d warm this paragraph up a bit by letting you know how I’ve been. Mike and I are still very happy together. Eventually we will get married when we have some financial stability. We’ve had our own apartment for two years now and it’s been wonderful being independent. He is working at staples. It’s better then nothing and he is so impressive maybe he will run the place some day. I’m working on several murals and subbing while I wait to teach art. (I have my masters to teach art.)

An apology isn’t really enough for me disappearing off of the planet for so long. I stopped talking to everyone. But out of everyone you were the one I constantly missed and regretted the most. I was going through too many emotional problems and friendships caused me to worry too much about everyone else (There was never drama with you, it is completely my own sensitivity that is to blame.) Instead of being upfront with everyone, I felt too overwhelmed with pressure and hid away and by the time I resurfaced I felt too guilty to contact anyone. It had been too long, and each day/month/year that feeling of guilt because it had been too long grew and grew.

I just wanted to let you know I am sorry and I hope your life is good like you deserve it to be. If you ever want to catch up let me know.


(I sent this one and am still waiting/hoping for a reply. Version two, with help from scream scream scream ) :

I just want you to know that you have and will always mean a great deal in my life and I hope you can or will find it in your heart to forgive me for being out of touch all of these years. I was overwhelmed and by the time I felt I could explain things to you I felt too guilty for disappearing to confront you. You are such an understanding and good friend, it was all my own issues. Here is how I’ve been:
Mike and I are still very happy together after almost ten years. Eventually we will get married when we have some financial stability. We’ve had our own apartment for two years now and it’s been wonderful being independent. He is working at staples. It’s better then nothing and he is so impressive maybe he will run the place some day. I’m working on several murals and subbing while I wait to teach art. (I have my masters to teach art.) I’d love to know how you are doing.

Oh yea, you're not that crazy, just get to know me and you'll be like "WTF man!" lmao

You would like me to elaborate on what mr. sad face wrote to me so you can further understand? I'd probably be happy to but I'm not sure specifically what you are asking about. I'll re-read mine, maybe I missed something. ( sorry, I woke up recently)



I'm not sure what you mean when you say my heart may be preventing him. Please explain further, possibly still the sleepiness. Anyhow, I do not know for sure if he is being honest when he says it is to protect me. He lies to me quite often which is pretty frustrating. But he also has shown himself in several occasions to have my interest first when I finally get the truth out of him. So I've learned to trust his judgment and not pester him to tell me the truth. It's annoying for both of us and usually he'll at least say he can't tell me rather then making a lie up. (It's spelled immensely, by the way. I'm not the best speller, I just happen to know that one.)



Well, the letter at the bottom of my first post is to a different friend, one from real life. In case that was unclear. I was simply asking Mr. Sad face's opinion on the letter. The other guys nick name is hair john. I don;t have a problem mentioning names if I have nothing but good things to say about them. Mr. Sad Face for all I know will be back today acting normal or weird. I don't think he will completely disappear, but you never know. He seems to like it when I try to hard to mend our friendship. Maybe it makes him feel important? Did that clarify anything?



I personally agree with you. I try to stay and work out whatever issues are going on. But he seems too upset to think rationally. He needed some time away from me to think so I decided not to pressure him. I may have lost an opportunity to mend it in the process if he overreacts.



I don;t think I quite agree with the meant to be fate part. But you did help me to see I should not stop trying on things so valuable to me.



Actually, I would have given him my real name by now. It's just that my boyfriend doesn't want me to. I debated with myself because I don't allow him to control me. But in the end I decided that if it was so important to my boyfriend then it was worth making him happy. He doesn't trust people over the internet and frankly I don;t think he trusts my judgment. He thinks I am too trusting and I'll end up kidnapped or something. As if everyone on the internet wants to abduct a 25 year old that waits over two years to give even a name.

That's cute by the way with your name. I didn't know my mom's real name either until about that age. Everyone called her by a nickname, so I figured that was her real name. Then one day someone called her by her actually name and she responded and I was like "mommy, that's not your name" lol



You did help and I thank you for it. Take all the time you need; that actually reminds me a lot of myself. Good things come in time.

By the way, update:

So far it has been about a day since all of this drama (I hate drama) and hair John has still not replied (of course he could be busy, but my mind starts becoming paranoid that the revised letter may not have conveyed how deeply I regret my mistake and that regret is the very reason why it has taken me this long to speak with him. Perhaps he wouldn't want to bother with me anyhow. (I'll update again in a new post if he actually responds.)

Also, Mr. sad face hasn't been on msn, to my knowledge (I've been on it a lot and there are no offline messages from him either.) This again may not mean anything. In the past he has not showed up for a day or a few days when nothing was the matter. Yet again my brain can't help but fear that he is sitting somewhere thinking about how upset he is at the situation and wondering or perhaps even deciding it is best to end things permanently. Maybe he'll never speak to me again. It would be good revenge for what I did to hair John. Guess I deserve it if it happens. I'll let you know if he turns up and give you a gist of what happens. If I were in his shoes I'd be eager to talk about it and try to clear it off after having some distance from the situation/feelings. But we are very different people, so who knows. I just sent him this offline message on msn :" Hey, I hope you are feeling at least a little better. I'll give you your space as long as you want it. I'm not sure I've done anything wrong, I think it is good not to be cold, I think it is good to care a lot about friends. No idea what is or isn't wrong on your side, but when your ready I think we are important enough to talk and try and work it out. Whatever you feel is best though. " Was that a mistake?



I'd like you to sum your opinion up if you would be willing to. It may not connect but it would be helpful I think to hear a similar situation from an outside perspective. It is hard for me to speculate if there is another reason/s for his actions aside for that chick.

In all probability there are, and she only enhanced his fears (maybe ones he even conveyed to her), but my imagination is endless and it is so difficult to know if any theory is plausible so I've kind of given up guessing for now.

As far as letting you know in more detail how he was acting weird and what he was specifically saying, I'd rather not go too much into it because he doesn't like me to share a lot of information about him (another reason I left his name out) and I was pretty careful to just lay out how I felt and not put a lot of his info or blame on him. This one example I don't think he would mind since it mostly has to do with me: he has always been very interested in learning more about me, and he said something like "I'm sick of hearing about you" but nothing provoked it except him saying he was really worried about me right after she was accusing me of sounding suicidal in the letter. It seemed/s to me that in his head he was overwhelmed with the idea that I'm nuts and the more he heard from me the more it added to that belief so he didn't wanna hear any more about me. It was just very out of character for him is all.



Forgive me because I do not know the details of the regret you have (nor would I ask you to tell me unless you wanted to. In which case I would do my best to guide you. Of course my advice would just be my own opinions and may not be of value to you.) but from the outside perspective (and I'm being such a hypocrite, because I do not forgive myself for past deeds I have done that haunt me) it seems like if you care enough to regret it then your good intentions mean a lot. It means you CARE and you mean for the best. You are human, we make mistakes (I seem to make them more frequently then others.) I know when the cost is high it makes it so much worse. But I hope you will learn to not hate yourself for it. We live and we learn and we often make these awful mistakes before we know any better. The important thing is what you do now, how you have put effort in not to repeat the error.

I don't think I quite agree with the meant to be fate part. But you did help me to see I should not stop trying on things so valuable to me.
quote="ExileDeath"]Fate, destiny or just a follow through of life. Either way, no matter what you believe, God or not. Things happen for a reason and follow through for the best. Usually and if you trust in it.

Well, my belief is that the everything happens to be balanced. The good will bring bad and the bad will bring good. But I think a component of that is determined by free will. The universe adjusts to our actions. We create good, bad comes. We create bad, good comes. Not necessarily back to us, in fact probably the opposite so our own life is balanced. It's hard to explain it clearly. The point is that fate plays a very little role, constantly adapting to our actions.



Yes quite cute, lol.

I never said it was rational, but I can't seem to convince my boyfriend of it. It is possible my boyfriend si jealous in some way and is partially using it as an excuse to create more fo a barrier between me and Mr. sad face. The only thing I'm sure of is that my bf would get VERY upset if I shared my name and I'm not willing to do that to him, even if he doesn't make much sense. On the other hand, it bothers me that I have to disappoint Mr. Sad face. But I also don't understand why MR; sad face cares so much about my name and stuff. I mean, who cares really? It doesn't define me, as Shakespeare would say: what's in a name? It doesn't alter who I am at all. It would be one thing if her was somewhat curious, but he begs me all the time to tell him and it bothers me he wants to know THAT badly.


Thanks again smile

Well I think he knows that if he tells me he loves me more then in a friendship way I won't be able to speak with him anymore. That is not really fair to him, he can't help his feelings..but I can't endanger my relationship in any way...it is too important. But aside form me having allow self esteem, just because we are close doesn't mean he'd feel like I was the one for him. Of course you know that already which is why you didn't mention all of this until I asked. Do you think it is likely? I guess it is hard for you to know without knowing him.

What does a profiler do? Sorry, I'm pretty ignorant when it comes to common knowledge.


Update: the guy is acting normal now as if nothing happened. I guess I'm mostly relieved and still a bit confused.

Still no response from the e-mail to hair john.