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Posted: Fri Nov 25, 2005 9:16 pm
PEGGY'S DINER
Scripted thrills came in pairs as teens jived to the groove of parakeet jukeboxes.
Waiters jumped on tables, slowing time with their "one-two steps", giving Cinderella enough time to get all fixed up for the bonfire genocide.
Rain fell upon newspaper umbrellas. Fonzi using it to protect his hair while his date took the buffeting like a trooper. But it wasn't to pump inflatable muscles....
What could be tastier than bouncing trophies or a wet t-shirt contest where everyone was a judge.
MIDNIGHT AT THE POINT
The night was a mess of white blotches here and over there. The skin wrought church trembling as lilies were uprooted from their pores.
She blew the dandelion petals until they drifted away with her wishes fulfiled in spasmic jolts of hair tearing and joint creaking.
The grass was a psychedelic bed. The motion of their love making him carsick. The only nicks in her perfect coat of epidermis were the nail marks his fingers arranged into erotic patterns.
IT'S A WONDER THE TROJANS WON
Her nipples hardened as he manuvered his tounge to do side rolls and sumersaults across her plane where his field of vision took a dip.
Then it ended with a well tuned moan.
A week later she was laying naked on his backseat ready to give him her Virgin Mary postcard once more.
The curve of her breasts and hips called him as he felt his pipes leak onto his waterlogged Mustang.
She passed the test with flying colors. Now his flight was multicolored.
She had two layers of skin over her sex and under her coat. Her eyeliner was put on by a toddler who couldn't color in the lines.
The thought of showing up empty handed brough her to her knees
once more.
I decided the part about the wet t-shirt contest was needed so I was going to make a triology type of thing out of this; I was going to make a new poem out of the contest thing but I came up with this instead. What do you say? I call it the DISCO LIGHTS TRIOLOGY.
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Posted: Sun Nov 27, 2005 12:04 pm
Drop the last stanza for sure. It doesn't have anything to do with the first three. Write a different poem about the wet tee shirt contests *groans with dismay*
Bonfire genocide? I'm not sure what you're alluding to there. Maybe be more specific?
"Take it like a man" is pretty clicheed. Get that out of there.
You could probably go a couple more stanzas with this. Good start.
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Posted: Sun Nov 27, 2005 6:25 pm
Thanks. razz I might fix this.
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Posted: Fri Dec 30, 2005 8:33 pm
Turns out I didn't give as much of a ******** then as I thought I did about this piece. Now I think I'll take a few more crits and change "stuff".
ninja
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