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THE DISCO LIGHTS TRIOLOGY CC= I'm high on love.... or blow

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Minty-FreshALTOID

PostPosted: Fri Nov 25, 2005 9:16 pm


PEGGY'S DINER

Scripted thrills came in pairs
as teens jived to the groove of
parakeet jukeboxes.

Waiters jumped on tables, slowing
time with their "one-two steps",
giving Cinderella enough time to
get all fixed up for the bonfire
genocide.

Rain fell upon newspaper umbrellas.
Fonzi using it to protect his hair while
his date took the buffeting like a trooper.
But it wasn't to pump inflatable muscles....

What could be tastier than bouncing
trophies or a wet t-shirt contest
where everyone was a judge.

MIDNIGHT AT THE POINT

The night was a mess of white
blotches here and over there.
The skin wrought church trembling
as lilies were uprooted
from their pores.

She blew the dandelion petals
until they drifted away
with her wishes fulfiled in
spasmic jolts of hair tearing
and joint creaking.

The grass was a psychedelic bed.
The motion of their love
making him carsick.
The only nicks in her perfect coat
of epidermis were the nail marks
his fingers arranged into erotic patterns.

IT'S A WONDER THE TROJANS WON

Her nipples hardened as he
manuvered his tounge to do
side rolls and sumersaults
across her plane where
his field of vision took a dip.

Then it ended with a well tuned
moan.

A week later she was laying
naked on his backseat ready to
give him her Virgin Mary postcard
once more.

The curve of her breasts and hips
called him as he felt his pipes leak
onto his waterlogged Mustang.

She passed the test with
flying colors. Now his
flight was multicolored.

She had two layers of skin
over her sex and under her coat.
Her eyeliner was put on by a toddler
who couldn't color in the lines.

The thought of showing up empty
handed brough her to her knees

once more.



I decided the part about the wet t-shirt contest was needed so I was going to make a triology type of thing out of this; I was going to make a new poem out of the contest thing but I came up with this instead. What do you say? I call it the DISCO LIGHTS TRIOLOGY.
PostPosted: Sun Nov 27, 2005 12:04 pm


Drop the last stanza for sure. It doesn't have anything to do with the first three. Write a different poem about the wet tee shirt contests *groans with dismay*

Bonfire genocide? I'm not sure what you're alluding to there. Maybe be more specific?

"Take it like a man" is pretty clicheed. Get that out of there.

You could probably go a couple more stanzas with this. Good start.

androidprincesst


Minty-FreshALTOID

PostPosted: Sun Nov 27, 2005 6:25 pm


Thanks. razz I might fix this.
PostPosted: Fri Dec 30, 2005 8:33 pm


Turns out I didn't give as much of a ******** then as I thought I did about this piece. Now I think I'll take a few more crits and change "stuff".

ninja

Minty-FreshALTOID

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The Cranky Writers' Guild

 
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