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Ruffian was frustrated.  Over the months, she had grown to feel lonely.  Her children were much past the age of needing her, and half of them had left the pride altogether.  Her mate?  She hadn't spent much time with him lately, at all.  Frustration fueled her anger, and she paced around the lands trying to calm herself. 



With a growl of defeat, she flopped onto the grass, throwing herself into it's soft embrace.  The sun's rays weren't kind to her black coat, but she didn't care at this moment.  She wanted to act childish, and for this moment she would.



"What the hell did I get myself into," she grumbled, rolling on her back to watch the clouds above her float by, not a care in the world.  Hmph.

At least Ai had found other distractions from a very similar problem -- as one who tended children, there always seemed to be a pair of paws he could at least herd back to their parents before moving on to the next task. However, it was only that; A distraction. As time was passing, he found himself watching his grandchildren (that was such a strange thought) grow up at a distance from him, and even finding that the female he had supposedly 'loved' had mysteriously 'stopped' having time for him.



Or at least, she wasn't spending time with him anymore. It was strange how time would weaken such silly bonds; or that he'd start thinking of the romance that had practically whisked him away once he was old enough to be as something 'silly'.



So while he wasn't filled with anger, he still had found himself distancing himself from his ever doting (and worried for his sulking) daughter for some time. Yes, he would ultimately have to go and return to the den to sleep, but that didn't prevent him from at least taking advantage of a break for basking-in-self-debate out in the grass. At least now the grass was long enough to hide in and prevent himself from baking underneath the beams of the sun and its cruelty.



However, he did pick up the voice of another who was out in the grass, peeking his head right up above the stalks to look curiously -- had his daughter come out to see if he was wallowing in some semblance of self pity? It didn't seem to be so, but part of his still hesitated to speak before he did: "Problems?"

Ruffian was mildly surprised to hear someone else around.  It always seemed that there was someone lingering around in this Pride.  Growing up away from her birthhome, and alone, it always seemed so odd that as soon as you assumed privacy, someone was around.  Oh well.




She rolled over just a bit, peering her head up over the grass to see a form of a lion she didn't recognize.  Not surprising, as her den was purposefully further away from the heart of the pride.  



"Oh." she said as she flumped back into the grass.  She never was one for manners.  "Always.  Who doesn't have problems?  It's when they reach the point of giving up that there's a real problem."  She sighed.  "Though, I would guess with you out here alone means that you might have your own share of the problem bug, eh?"

He actually had to laugh at how very spot-on the lioness - very obviously now a lioness (as opposed to a younger male, voices were very treacherous that way)-- was with her observation would his own grass-camping. However, as expected with her own perspective on the situation, Ai didn't recognize her -- or rather, he was pretty sure he didn't know her (Oh little did they know).



"I guess the problem bug is going around in that sense." he replied, though part of him actually reflected on this comment with a sort of..eerie curiosity. It was brushed out of his conscious mind soon enough, however. "It's been doing it's own thing for quite a while now..." Which was. unfortunate, yes.



But maybe it made him appreciate non-blood-related company overall now that he wasn't getting it otherwise -- hell, he didn't even feel slighted with the lack of manners, it was almost refreshing in comparison. "But perhaps I could blame my own on lack of communication."

Ruffian shrugged her shoulders at his first comment, acknowledging what he said but having nothing further to comment on it.  Her ears perked up slightly, slowly settling back down against her skull.  "Hmmm.  Point taken.  The more it's ignored, it seems the larger it grows, out of control."

 

Slightly curious herself, she rolled back onto her belly, bits of grass clinging to her fur as she picked at the ground before her.  She glanced up at him for a moment, trying to see if she remembered him at all.  Nope.  Sigh.



"Communication is overrated, even if it is key," she replied.  "It's a two way trail, and normally only half of it is working.  If the other half isn't there to hear it, well...overrated."  She furrowed her browns, smashing at the ground before her.  She felt so foolish!

Well, how long did the other path-of-communication have to be 'gone', for lack of a better word for it, before it was okay to simply give up altogether on even trying anymore? "So after several moons, I should simply assume that I've been dumped?" he inquired, not really thinking anything of the inquiry  - it was conversation, maybe the statement would keep things going ...for another minute. He didn't really know for sure.



Unless this gruff female was secretly the kind to will him to go and 'patch things up' at home. Yeah, because after months of the silent treatment, that was really going to work - Kat's sensitivities would have brought SOMETHING up if she'd not been doing it on purpose.



"Or do I have to wait even longer still before that's allowable?"

Ruffian stared at him for a moment, and laughed.  She couldn't help herself.  "I'm not sure, really.  My father disappeared when I was just a child, but my mother still hung onto hope.  I think it's something you have to decide for yourself."  She shook her head.  "No easy answers in life, I'm afraid."



She twitched her tail, brushing some grass over the part of the earth she had damaged.  Whoops.  Acting as if it never happened, she sighed before continuing.  "I wish there was.  I'm in that situation myself, and beating myself up over what to do isn't helping anything."  With those thoughts returning in her head again, she couldn't help but just want to run away.  It wouldn't make anything better, but it would be better than this void of nothingness she had been in for so long.

 

"Are you worried about how others would think about you?" she asked quietly, still pondering on his last question.  It was a curious one.

He'd actually never really stopped to ponder how others would have viewed him for it -- his mother had given up on his father and moved on soon enough, probably quicker than he had moved on even, and then she'd left entirely. Unfortunate, but it had made her happy -- Ai had never held it against her in the least. That was simply how it had been. Did he hold the same standard to himself?



But it seemed Ai had found someone who was in the same boat as himself. "Perhaps I'm unsure if I would feel any guilt for moving on -- or even feel guilty at all. I've felt no real guilt for considering it at this point. If she won't speak with me or spend real quality time with me, then perhaps it'd be better to find other company." he chuckled, having a thought pop up. "I can't even expect my children to stay with me. They have children, or perhaps someday they will find themselves distracted with someone who will serve them better company."



"So I guess I'm more worried that I haven't waited long enough to be justified, or for her to have passed through whatever phase -- though I would think that watching our grandchildren grow up apart from each other should have been long enough to say she's ready to move on."

Hmm.  His situation seemed more sticky than her's.  She was just tired of feeling like she had invested so much, and then there was nothing left.  She didn't even want to stay, but he had persuaded her somehow.  So why had he just stopped as soon as the children where born?  He had been so excited, and her, frightened.  She felt like she did it for him....and then it slowly started to fade.  What had happened?  Doubt consumed her now, replacing the frustration she had felt.



"I think you've waited long enough when you start to doubt," she said softly, feeling as if she was speaking for herself more than for him.  It was odd, thinking that someone else was going through a similar situation in a land that was always filled with joy.  "Even if you repair your relationship, the doubt will never disperse.  Why did they leave you for so long?  I don't think I could ever let those questions die."  Her eyes wandered downwards, looking at the ground below.  What a joke.  She had always prided herself on being stubborn and frank, but at the moment she needed to be herself, she couldn't be.  There were too many unknowns for her to just brush off.



"When you reach the point of your children old enough to not need you, and your mate not around, the loneliness opens up room for questions."   Chuckling, she shook her head.  "Look at me, I think I'm making it all worse!"

Well, that was certainly the way to look at it -- and it made perfect sense to him. Yes, he had indeed started to doubt, and perhaps that was the sign that he was too lonely. If he'd been suitably distracted, it wouldn't have mattered to him. But it seemed that she had quite the view on the matter overall. Perhaps she was right. He'd have to make the first step sooner or later.



But he'd also have to be sure to not judge things too quickly on that front either -- if he moved off and away too suddenly, he'd probably be inclined to return far too quickly. If he'd known the feeling of addiction, it probably would have been comparable as well.



"That is true... that is so very true. And sadly, I shouldn't have to feel like I haven't earned, with my children and all those other little things, proper companionship." Hell, he would have liked to think that he had earned the companionship that had dwindled away so... suddenly, it almost seemed.

She smiled, thought faintly.  "You deserve everything you've worked for.  Even though I'm troubled, I am greatful to have had my children.  Though half of them have moved on to new places and new lives, I still am thankful to have known them and raise them."  She chuckled.  "Even if a bit strict, as a couple of them might admit."



She looked upwards now, not feeling like she needed to cower within herself.  It wasn't a large step, but at least she wasn't so full of raw anger.  It would flare up again, but at the moment she felt a bit more at peace with the situation.  Returning home tonight would change that, but she'd relish what she had now.

 

"Though, on a happier term, how many grandchildren do you have?"  She perked up, curious, and slightly jealous.  She had none to her knowledge, and wondered what the thrill of that would be like.  She had always assumed it would be the same as a mother, but just the idea of her own children taking that turn in their life seemed so...wholesome.

Oh man, he could talk about pawfuls of children and then some -- having had seven in one go. THAT had been quite the busywork.. at least until he was sure they wouldn't mimic their father and end up getting trampled by a gazelle -- it hadn't exactly been the most pleasant experience.



The grandchildren question actually surprised him just a touch, however. Hmm? Well.. "I believe there are only three. One of my daughters has a son, and one of my sons has both a son and a daughter." he answered, actually having to make sure there weren't any hidden grandchildren in the picture -- he'd seen females act suspiciously and go into hiding because OH NO they were pregnant... but he couldn't recall anybody tied to either his sons or his daughters themselves doing that.



Thank goodness -- he would have rather known all of his grandchildren.



"Though watching them raise their little ones made me miss when it was me."

She nodded, smiling.  "I'm sure it's an experience, even just to see.  Since a few of mine are gone, I'll probably never know, but it would still be nice to see.  Though...knowing them as children, it's almost horrifying, since all I can seem to remember is how much trouble they got into as little runts of cubs."  She laughed, remembering a failing time when one of the kids wanted to learn how to swim.  She knew enough about the water, but that was a near-disaster.



"It'd be interesting having children again.  I wouldn't be quite such a....mess of a mother the second time around.  I don't think anything gets you ready for it, no matter what."  And she hadn't been ready for it from the start.  It was just a 'uh oh' moment when she figured it out.  She shivered, still not the happiest with how it went.  Too many kids, too much of nothing she could do to keep them healthy inside of her.  

Oh yes, he knew all about the pregnancy jitters and then some -- only from the opposite end of the spectrum, in wondering what it was HE should have been doing to keep any harm from coming to both his children and their mother. Was it a natural feeling for other males? He honestly couldn't be sure. Too little that the parents themselves could do for their children before they were there.



"Oh yes, there's absolutely nothing that prepares you for it -- which is unfortunate, I would have liked to think I at least had learned something before there were seven little fuzzy bodies demanding every ounce of my attention." he related, laughing at just how similar the 'new parent feeling seemed to be between the two of them. There was comfort in knowing he hadn't been the only one to feel panic.



"But there is a sense of... emptiness without having them to chase down anymore."

"Seven?  Geez.  We had seven too.  Thankfully most of them were good, or I think I would have lost my fur from the stress."  She shook her head.  "Though, it's a bit comforting to know that someone else had such a large litter.  I know the past queen had one that was substantial, but....that's intense."

 

"I'm sure you could always chase down other little ones?" she asked, curiously.  "I sorta keep an eye on the ones that like to wander out towards the borders, since I scout them often.  Though...I guess it isn't the same as your own.  Little balls of fluff sleeping on you....hard to replace."  oh GEEZ.  She really needed to quit this...this whole mushy talk.  She couldn't help it, but it felt so...odd.  Reliving all those memories only stung at her more.  She clenched a paw, letting the bits of emotions escape her through that action.

"I recall that litter quite well -- I was their babysitter, as my own children were quite old when they were born." he said in turn, recalling having to watch over the.. oh, it was almost 10 heads, he was thinking 9, but the children themselves had sort of gotten..everywhere over the years. Too many cubs for him to mistake as each-other now.



Unfortunate, really. Ai sort of wished he could remember all of the names now. But he did recall some of the faces.



But, she had hit the real point on the head: It wasn't the same as having one's own fluffy ones to harass them. He sort of missed being woken up by a chorus of 'DAAAAAAD'... even if that had mostly just been Rukia. Alas.



"However, chasing down the children of others is still all I have at this point -- my grandchildren are all grown up and can't be chased-down anymore." Wow, that sort of made him feel old.

"Damn."  Yeah.  7 was too many in her book, even if in the end she enjoyed all of them.  Having more than that completely blew her mind.  She had to offer respect for her...wherever she went.  But that was a different thought trail that she didn't want to follow.



"....r-really?" Okay, she wasn't expecting that one.  "Well...they do grow up pretty fast.  I wouldn't say you're old...." because she didn't want to face that fact that she could be old.  Nu-uh, no way.



Switching subjects seemed difficult, though.  With a sigh, she stared outwards towards the horizon, looking at nothing in particular.  "I....feel a little better now," she said randomly.  "I hope you do too, even if it'll only last for the moment."  She knew once she went back home to her den...she probably wouldn't feel quite so confident and sure of herself again.  The guilt and anger would flush back into her.  Especially since it would probably only be her there.

And sadly, it would likely be just as lonely and 'guilty' for Ai as well when he went back to his own den and would have to face the reality of it only being himself and his daughter -- who would in turn only remind him that one of his sons had left him (it was the pain of being a twin), just like their mother had flown to the wind.



He really didn't like feeling like his happiness was attached to a female who wasn't there anymore.



"They really do. It's almost sad how quickly they do. It always seems like, not to be cliche, yesterday you were just looking down between your front paws to find one of them there and then suddenly they've whisked themselves off." He laughed almost...fakely, with a tone of sadness to it all after he'd said it, before shaking his head. "But it was definitely nice to relate to someone over the whole thing." he added, nodding towards the female.



"I hope that you'll be able to resolve your own 'problem bug' soon."

"Too true," she said, smiling.  They were so big that they didn't need to depend on you anymore.  That was what bothered her the most.  She found that she liked having that feeling, even moreso than being alone.  She felted wanted.  Especially when there were seven pairs of hungry eyes staring at her.



"The same to you," she said, flopping back on the ground, lying on her back as she stared at the clouds above.  "A nap will probably fix the roughest of the edges.  Besides, it's a lovely day, and I wouldn't want to waste it."  She smiled, closing her eyes as she inhaled deeply.

Likewise, he also inhaled deeply, before Ai finally forced himself up to his paws, nodding toward Ruffian again. "Well, I'm getting to where I would be best suited to head inside -- I don't want my daughter to come out here hunting me down. Then I wouldn't get any of my thinking space." he chuckled, turning his head towards the shape in the distance, as though checking to see if there were any black-and-white faces staring out at him to harass him home again.



Once he was sure that he was actually going home of his free will, he looked back to her. "You'll always be welcome to come and hunt me down if you ever want my company again -- if anything, we can always talk about children." (Oh my god, that wording is so bad I'm keeping it) 



He imagined he'd be easy enough to find, especially given the king and his mate had just had a small litter of their own that he'd likely just be keeping an extra eye (No purposeful interference unless asked, afterall) on. "If you just ask around for 'Ai'kunliu' I'm sure someone will be able to point you in the right direction."

She smiled, offering a nod...which was a little awkward with her position, but whatever.  Her eyes opened enough to give herself one gooooood look at him.  There, now she wouldn't forget him.



"Pleasure," she said.  "I'm Ruffian."  Not her real name...but then, she'd never told anyone that, and no one really needed to know.  "I think I'll take you up on that offer," she said softly, musing about that.  It would be nice to have someone else to talk to than....herself.



"And don't make your daughter wait too long," she said with a smirk, settling herself in again.

Ruffian; an unusual name, but that meant he'd remember it all the better. "The pleasure was all mine." he returned, finding himself somewhere actually looking forward to the chance to sit down and talk to someone who actually knew where he was coming from again -- it had been too long since he'd related to someone that way.



"Ah, that would be for the best that I do that." he chuckled. "So I best be going now."



Ai gave her one last nod before he turned to start heading back towards the rocky formation standing in the distance, signaling 'home'. Somehow, the whole meeting had made him feel better -- he just wasn't quite sure how yet.