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Thaliat Everwood

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PostPosted: Wed Aug 19, 2009 7:57 pm


OK, as some of you may already know, I am writing a fantasy novel...well, ideally it will continue as a series of novels. To date I have over 100 pages and still going strong. The problem is I need some feedback on already written chapters. There are 14 so far, though they may later be combined with other chapters depending on how I feel they fit together.

So what I am looking for are people willing to read chapter segments and let me know what you think of the story, the characters, their interaction...whatever you are willing to comment on is greatly appreciated!

Before I post anything, is anyone interested in reading the excerpts?
PostPosted: Thu Aug 20, 2009 10:19 am


I would love to read an excerpt from your book! smile

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Thaliat Everwood

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PostPosted: Thu Aug 20, 2009 5:55 pm


Yay! I'll try to get part of the prelude up this weekend! mrgreen
PostPosted: Sat Aug 22, 2009 9:49 pm


Here is the prelude:



An infant's wail rose above the dark tree tops of Kerderra. A cloaked figure moved between the trees with a purposeful stride, shielding a bundle under the coal colored fabric. The driving night rain chilled the cloaked man as another pitiful wail rose from beneath his drenched cloak. The man coughed sharply then, with a fatigued sigh, pushed back one side of his cloak to peer down at the teary eyed baby nestled in his arm.
Wide green eyes blinked in surprise at him. Tears rested on the tiny child's pale cheeks and her lower lip quivered slightly. The man tugged at the blankets wrapped around the infant, trying to keep her small frame as warm as possible in the rain.
The man shook his head at the child, though not unkindly, and said, "All that noise is coming from you? Well, I suppose you are keeping the wolves at bay with all that howling." The man pushed back his hood slightly, revealing a fresh scar on his left cheek. Blue eyes met green ones, and the cloaked man smiled at the tearful girl child. With a rough hand he carefully brushed away her tears. "Come now, little one, no one is about to take in a foundling who only howls. Show me a smile?"
The man chucked the infant under her chin and softly hummed an old lullaby to the babe, gently rocking her until a small smile of her own returned his. The moment was short lived, for a gust pushed a cold spatter of rain in the infant girl's face. A surprised, angry howl erupted from the child and the man sighed again. Gently tugging the cloak back over the crying child, the man coughed roughly and resumed his journey.
Holding the cloak closed against another gust of wind, the man pressed on. "My children never carried on like this! It's a pity I can't take you in as one of them, but the danger is too great already." The man shifted the babe so that he felt the girl's little head come to rest against his chest. "I'll find you a home, little one. I fear it is all I'll be able to do." A fresh spasm of coughing shook his body, forcing him to stop.
The man peeked beneath his cloak once more to find the child working up another wail. He looked sorrowful himself, gazing down upon the baby as if her very presence pained him. Straightening, the man quickly dropped the edge of the cloak and squared his jaw, resuming his pace and cresting a small hill. Unfolding below him, just beyond the forest, was a small farming village with but a few candles still lit in windows. Most of the buildings were dark, the occupants having retired for the night.
"At least we are almost there."
Entering the clearing that marked the edge of the village of Ta' Kana, the man's eyes darted left to right. The darkness of night obscured many details, but it was clear that all the buildings were wood and stone structures sheltered with thatched roofs. The homes were mostly small and unadorned with the exception of one house. A structure toward the center of the cluster of farmhouses and fields stood two levels. Suspecting that to be the home of the village leader, the cloaked man trudged wearily past.
Approaching the far end of the village, the man spied three farm houses along forested paths, only one with a candle still burning in the window. The infant, now sleeping lightly, shifted in his arms. The cloaked man was relieved by the silence as he made his way to the one lit window. Stopping suddenly, the man muttered a low curse as his body was seized by a severe coughing fit. His side began to throb angrily, his concealed wound now burning with pain as blood dampened his tunic. The man grasped his side with his free hand, drawing a deep, ragged breath and tightening his grasp on the dozing child.
"Damnation!"
The infant slumbered no more, and a loud cry rang out sharply from beneath the cloak. Cursing softly, the man reached under his cloak to gently move the child to a more comfortable position. The man hissed between clenched teeth at the pain the movement drew, earning another reprimanding wail from the child. "I apologize, little one." The man carried his small companion the final few yards to the house, softly humming in an attempt to soothe the restless child he concealed. Drawing a deep breath, the man rapped heavily upon the oak door. The infant howled noisily, squirming in the man's arms and knocking aside the fabric covering her.
The door opened and a man with graying hair stood in the door frame, crossing his arms over his chest. Though his dark tunic was loose, his arms were muscular and tanned and his hands calloused. His steely gray eyes regarded the cloaked man and bawling child guardedly. His thick brows knitted together as he frowned.
"Can I help you, traveler? It is rather late to have visitors."
The cloaked man tugged his hood a bit lower. His scar was still visible, though his eyes were now obscured. Instinctively, the man held his tiny ward tighter, ready to defend her from harm. He sized up the man slowly, trying to decide if this man would have the compassion to take in an infant.
"This child is a foundling," he said guardedly. The cloaked man hefted the squirming child to his shoulder so the man could see her better. Now unsheltered from the man's cloak, the baby found herself being soaked by the cold night's rain. This did not meet with the child's approval, a thing she protested by crying earnestly. The cloaked man found himself struggling to resist the urge to cover the child again. "Please, sir, she's cold and hungry-"
A woman stepped behind the man, her own graying hair swept up in a loose bun. Her brown dress was simple and mostly hidden behind her apron. Her blue eyes flitted from the cloaked man's scar to the bawling infant he clutched. A slender hand flew to her mouth.
"Rellius! Allow them in. That poor child! Good sir, you both are soaked to the bone! Come inside at once." The woman pulled the door open fully, revealing a humble but warm room sparsely furnished with sturdy handmade wooden furniture. A fire burned in the hearth, heating a pot the released a rather promising aroma of stewed beef and carrots.
Rellius turned to his wife and nodded. "Yes, Porintha is right. Do come and warm yourselves by our fire."
The cloaked man shook his head.
"I've no time to stop. I have far to go, and not much time left to travel." He thrust the protesting child to Porintha. "She needs a home. Please." His cloak fell aside, revealing his bloodied tunic. The man pressed the baby into Porintha's arms and hastily readjusted the cloak to cover the wound. Rellius reached for the man's arm, commenting about his wound only to be interrupted by a wave of the stranger's hand. "I trust you will care for her well."
Rellius opened his mouth to protest, but Porintha quickly swept the crying child into the room, clutching her close to her chest as she soothed the infant with soft crooning. "This poor child! Rellius, she simply must stay with us. I'd love a daughter." Porintha looked up at her husband. "Please, don't turn her away."
Rellius stared at the tearful child nestled in Porintha's arms, then slowly nodded at his wife. "Fine, you shall have a daughter, Porintha." Rellius turned back to the door only to find the cloaked man had disappeared into the rainy night. Rellius closed the door and returned to his wife's side. As Porintha cooed at the baby in her arms, Rellius regarded his newest family member with some concern.
"She's rather small. Why does she fuss so? She's out of the rain now. Why is she still crying?" he questioned. Rellius frowned as he peered down at the crying baby girl. "I hope she's not sickly."
"She's but a babe, Rellius! She is probably frightened and hungry..." Porintha's words trailed off as she sniffed and wrinkled her nose. A pungent odor became noticeable. "And she needs a change."
Porintha hustled the babe off to the bedroom to change her. Rellius paced by the hearth, running a hand through his hair. He was troubled by the cloaked man's wounds. He was unable to understand how the mysterious man had come across the child, or if he was possibly a relation of hers. Rellius found himself doubting the cloaked man had known the child before tonight.
"Porintha?" Rellius craned his head toward the bedroom. His wife emerged from the room with the child wrapped in a dry blanket. She held the child out to Rellius. There were still tears in the infant's eyes, but her cries had reduced to mere whimpers. Rellius regarded his wife curiously.
"Take her, Rellius." Rellius shook his head in mild protest, but the look Porintha cast his way made him gingerly accept the swaddled girl. "I have something to show you." Rellius held the baby with great care as Porintha disappeared into the other room. She returned a moment later with the child's blankets draped over one arm, holding a silver brooch in her hand. Rellius shifted the child so that her head came to rest in the crook of his neck, freeing a hand to take the brooch from Porintha.
As Porintha draped the blankets over the mantle to dry, Rellius inspected the brooch in great detail. Carved in the silver were runic symbols encircling four dragons. The dragons guarded a large red stone in the center of the crest. Four smaller matching stones were set in the crest, one between each dragon. Rellius turned the brooch over in his hand but could find no engraved stamp of the craftsman.
"A warrior's crest?" Rellius looked perplexed as he stared at the brooch.
"It was fastened to one of her blankets."
"Why would she have such a thing? And such an ancient one at that?" Rellius gazed down at the baby who now slumbered against him. Porintha took the brooch from him, carefully inspecting it before placing it delicately on the mantle.
"It is a memento, Rellius," she stated simply. She turned to her husband and smiled. Rellius was rubbing the small child’s back and the baby had snuggled closer to him as a result, sleeping peacefully. "I think our little one likes you."
"What are we to call this child? We weren't given her name." Rellius stroked the small girl's soft locks. The baby cooed in her sleep, one delicate hand curled under her chin. Rellius marveled at her tininess as he held one of his calloused hands to hers. "I doubt she wants to be called Child all her life."
"Thaliat."
Porintha shook out one of the child's blankets and repositioned it on the hearth to resume drying. When she caught her husband looking at her quizzically, she chuckled softly. "It's her name. The letters were embroidered on one of the blankets. Some of the thread has been pulled out." Porintha eyed the edge of the blanket with a frown, fingering the frayed embroidering. "Probably caught on a branch along the way. But the lettering is still there."
"Thaliat it is then." Rellius sounded the name on his tongue once more and gave a satisfied nod. "Welcome home, little Thaliat."

Thaliat Everwood

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Thaliat Everwood

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PostPosted: Sun Aug 30, 2009 8:07 am


I promise the other chapters get better.
PostPosted: Mon Aug 31, 2009 8:40 am


I'll read this either when i get home tonight, tomorrow, or if i find a power outlet today (college... stuck here till 9)

skittlemaster42
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Thaliat Everwood

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PostPosted: Mon Aug 31, 2009 7:03 pm


Awesome! I hope you like it at least a little.
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