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 Posted: Tue Aug 18, 2009 11:14 am
Our darkest dreams are filled with hate,
Shadows drawing so near,
A fire burning up our fate,
The darkness plays to fear.
Desires coursing through our veins,
They’re yearning for the light,
With twisted dreams of bloody wings,
Visions of crashing flight.
Like little butterflies flying,
Fluttering fragile wings,
Crush them and then they are dying,
Beautiful, broken things.
Darkness the music is bringing,
Closing in to form night.
A dark entity is singing,
Bringing truth, but not light.
The moon is shrouded in shadow,
The stars cannot break through.
The beast within us crouching low,
Through this land a wind blew.
Destroying the world day by day,
This our desires bring.
Hoping to keep the end at bay,
The birds, though weak, still sing.
Yet still yearning for what one wants,
Knowing the end is near,
The darkness to us laughs and taunts,
It knows us, knows our fear.
Fearing death by our own nature,
We brought this upon us,
Unwittingly sealed our future,
Carnal things did we lust.
Had we foreseen this sordid end,
Different we could be,
Against this horrid plight to fend,
But this we did not see.
Blinded so by material
Longings so very strong
At the time so ambrosial,
Without sight for so long.
Our hate and wanting is our end,
Still just thoughts for oneself
No one has a hand they can lend,
Too busy with themselves.
Even now at the end we still
Stick to what brought us here,
Reaching for self want to fulfill
Last dreams before the fear.
----
I wrote this as an entry into a spoken word category so I suppose I paid more attention to how it sounded than to exactly what I was actually saying. This is one of my more favoured pieces that I had written since I have a love for strict metre and rhyme. This was written in common metre with alternating lines of iambic tetrameter and iambic trimeter; and an a-b-a-b rhyme scheme. Any and all critique is welcome and greatly appreciated!
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Posted: Thu Aug 27, 2009 2:33 pm
I think my favorite thing about this poem is the way you have your stanzas built. It forces the reader to make this long pause before they start reading again and it really lets the words seep in. I'll be completely honest with you, there was this feeling I got while I read your poem that I cannot describe. It is the wierdest thing. But great job, it's really beautiful. The imagery is just, just perfect.
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Posted: Tue Sep 15, 2009 5:55 am
I really love the images in this poem.
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Posted: Tue Sep 15, 2009 2:32 pm
*applauds* biggrin
I really enjoyed reading this poem, I like the meaning of it and how it was built. I enjoy rhyming poems. ^^' It was dark, but I liked that. Loved it, it was beautiful, and I think I actually felt something as I read it. Again, loved it. ♥
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Posted: Sat Sep 19, 2009 6:09 am
Wow, I'm no poet, but this was good. The darkness was really beautiful, in an odd... scary way. It really gave clear pictures in my head. I really liked this... well done ^-^
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Posted: Sun Oct 11, 2009 1:01 am
Thank you everyone for you kind comments and compliments! It's very encouraging to know that people enjoyed my poem! Thank you so very much!
fallenangel_Asha: Thank you! I was really reaching for being able to elicit something in the listener [and now readers] and I'm so glad it left you with an ambiguous feeling. The imagery was what my main support was. I tried to pull in "traditional" beauty and the contrast it with more morbid, but still beautiful imagery just as I was trying to play with darkness, then hope, then darkness again, but still with an undercurrent of hope. I'm really at least some of it got across. About the stanzas, that was more instinctual and more for helping me read it the way I wanted to than it was on purpose, but I'm very happy that it worked out the same way with someone simply reading the text as it does when I read it to someone.
EvolvingWolf: Thank you! I'm very glad that the imagery is agreeable to you and that it works out well! Thanks for your comment!
Tragedi Snow: --blushes-- I'm glad you enjoyed it! I did write this for the enjoyment of others! I'm glad I got something across with the poem. I wasn't so sure it would work since I start out with the meaning in a telling voice and then kind of veer off into a lot of imagery as a way of showing then bring it back to telling. I suppose dark poems are my thing. That you felt something is the greatest compliment I could get. Thank you so much!
Vaporeae: Thank you so much! Darkness was what this whole poem was about, in a very physical and metaphorical sense and I'm glad it scared you. Hopefully I got some sort of undercurrent of hope in there though. Thank you!
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