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 Posted: Tue Aug 04, 2009 8:59 pm
With the fourth of July coming
I suppose it would be cunning
to compose something that's witty
about the country; here's a ditty.
Two men in a house knew the day was getting closer
So they went to the store to get some explosives.
Meanwhile a man on the street
sat, just wishing for shoes on his feet.
The day arrived and the men played with fire
They ate some and played more, until they got tired.
Meanwhile that man, he sat all alone
Wishing, and praying to have a home.
The men spent the day with their family
Playing with fireworks "Away from the tree!"
While the man sat and thought "Gee,
what makes these men so much better than me?"
The men in the house settled down for the night
Assured that everything in the world was alright.
While the man by the road fought the tears in his eyes
wondering how on earth he was going to stay alive.
A bang shook the earth and the men jumped from bed
they ran to the window, as they looked out one said
"The house! It's on fire! We must have forgot
To move the Big One away from the spot.
They got out of the house and ran to the road
They were helpless as the house began to explode.
Now the man we left sitting by the road in his tears
looked on and prayed for these men and their fears.
"God help these that never helped me
Pleas save them and their families.
They know not what they did wrong
But soon understanding will come along.
I pray to you for these two men
For they don't know you yet, Amen.
Note:I am still reworking this poem, any criticism or thoughts are welcome.
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Posted: Thu Aug 06, 2009 7:14 pm
All I can say is wow. I really enjoyed this. It flows very well, which is difficult to do with.. story-telling poetry, in the style of Dr. Seuss or Twas the Night Before Christmas. The only "hiccup" for me was the last stanza. It seemed too wordy and didn't read too well aloud like the other stanzas. For me, at least. But it was very well done.
.:~o*'Isianya'*o~:.
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Posted: Fri Aug 07, 2009 7:06 pm
Isianya All I can say is wow. I really enjoyed this. It flows very well, which is difficult to do with.. story-telling poetry, in the style of Dr. Seuss or Twas the Night Before Christmas. The only "hiccup" for me was the last stanza. It seemed too wordy and didn't read too well aloud like the other stanzas. For me, at least. But it was very well done. .:~o*'Isianya'*o~:. Thanks, I agree about the last stanza, I was having problems when i was writing it. I wanted it to be different from the rest of the poem, as a way of ending it, I am still trying to figure out how to make it still flow.
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Posted: Sun Aug 09, 2009 11:06 pm
I like it a lot. But I agree with Isianya about the last stanza, it just doesn't quite fit.
Also, the first two lines of stanzas 2 and three...this may just be me being OCD, but the fact that they don't quite truly rhyme threw the flow of the poem off for me. The second stanza more so than the third.
About the poem in general: you almost made me cry...I just had an encounter with a homeless man that I will never forget and this brought back memories of him. This was really really good.
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Posted: Tue Aug 11, 2009 4:53 pm
Spastic waffles
Also, the first two lines of stanzas 2 and three...this may just be me being OCD, but the fact that they don't quite truly rhyme threw the flow of the poem off for me. The second stanza more so than the third.
I reread those parts, and I think you are right, but I can't seem to think of a good way to fix it, I will put it to a friend of mine and see if he has any ideas for me. I knew they didn't quite rhyme, but I thought that they might be close enough that I could get away with it.
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Posted: Tue Aug 11, 2009 8:09 pm
Iam WhoIAm Spastic waffles
Also, the first two lines of stanzas 2 and three...this may just be me being OCD, but the fact that they don't quite truly rhyme threw the flow of the poem off for me. The second stanza more so than the third.
I reread those parts, and I think you are right, but I can't seem to think of a good way to fix it, I will put it to a friend of mine and see if he has any ideas for me. I knew they didn't quite rhyme, but I thought that they might be close enough that I could get away with it.
The second might be just a bit of a stretch, though.
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