Love has it's boundaries, but there doesn't seem to be any limits keeping me from whom of which I love.
It was only a month ago that I collapsed in a train station after the train arrived. I have no idea what had went on but I knew something was wrong since I had awoken in a hospital bed unable to breathe on my own. I remember that day as if it were the day I almost died even though actually it was since it is hard for paramedics to get down into the subway before the victim's breathing fully collapsed. I can remember seeing my wife though, sitting at my side while I received treatment. I was grateful because I thought that I would never see her again.
My name is Blake and to be honest, I've not slept since the incident. Maybe it's Insomnia or just that i may never be able to have a good night's rest ever again without the knowledge that the next day might be my last day. I came with a motto that I should live everyday as if it were my last day. When i make love to my beautiful wife i make sure that it's better than the day before. I make sure that i spend all my money or what's left of it before i pay my bills despite the fact that I may have to pay a late fee but that's just who I am.
As i lay hear in bed with Lillian, my wife, spread across my chest while daylight crept into the darkness of our room i think about my time today. Everyday is like a challenge for i must say that i am not well. I am not dying but all is not well with my body. My immunity is slowly degenerating
and so is my bodily strength making me vulnerable and easy to kill off by a serial killer. Though anyway i don't live in fear. I'm only twenty five and my body has already taken it's toll for the worse but i pray that i at least give my wife a child before i get too sick to live on. However, that may never happen.
"Blake are you up?" Lillian spoke to me as she eased her head away from my body. Her pale green eyes pierced mine leaving me limp and trying to hold together my morning composure.
"I'm up..." I whispered only to realize that the insomnia probably inhabiting my body had corrupted my voice. Already, Lillian had pushed herself toward my face and was looking into my stormy blue eyes.
"You didn't sleep last night did you?"
With the look she was giving me i couldn't say no to lie and i couldn't say yes either because to me it just wouldn't make sense. "I'm not sure..."
"Well then I’m not sure either. Listen, you have a doctor appointment this morning and i need you to be ready to go. Dr. Chase needs to perform some test and give you your monthly physical examination. After that he'll basically set you up for your overnight stay and I’ll see you after work."
Lillian was amazing. She was the only person who could keep in up to date with everything. She kept me organized and well. I was glad to have married her but after last month and the incident, i think i've given her more stress than usual. Rising up from her grasp I pulled her weakly into my arms and kissed her. I knew she miss my bear hugs because every time I hugged her, she'd clutch onto my body when i wasn't hugging tight enough. I'm weak, I’d tell her some days when I’m too ill to make it to work but then she'd tell me that I’m stronger than ever.
An hour later, I found myself stepping into some clean clothing. Lillian had already left for work leaving a note card on the counter of the bathroom that reminded me what time i need to leave the house in order to make the appointment. Truth be told, I’m usually the only person in the ward every week for treatment and observation and over the past nearly six weeks, the faculty and staff apart of the degeneration ward knows my name and everything about me. The even took notice of my rapid weight loss. I was loosing up three pounds each week even though Dr. Chase had prescribed me a food pill that boost my appetite. Thankfully it works but not in the way that it was designed to work. Instead of making me feel hungry all the time, it made me feel as though I’d eat an entire buffet. I was taken off the drug even though no one knows why my body is burning off too much fat causing my rapid weight loss.
I buttoned my pants and grabbed the note care off of the counter in the bathroom. Starring at my watch I knew it was time to go. It a quarter to eight in the morning and my appointment was at nine thirty. I’d make it there a tad bit late but that would be only for my breakfast stop on the way to the hospital. During the morning time traffic, I always managed to make my way through the back roads. However I stopped doing so one morning when I discovered that I was too weak to drive. I had to call Lillian to help me and she could only say that I was having an episode.
My days were numbered, I knew that for sure since being the hospital made me feel as though I were some dying patient with a disease that hasn’t even been discovered. Well that’s true about me. My body carries a disease, well a degenerative disorder that hasn’t even been discovered yet. Dr. Chase and his team of pathologist and cytologist. Every week, they would put me under evasive response medicine and extract healthy cells from my body. I would sometimes end in the hospital for more than my two days of expectancy only because the majority of the time, my cells wouldn’t be stable enough to sustain organ function. Like I mentioned before, what I have hasn’t been discovered yet and what I’m trying to cope with is just making it harder to endure.
I made a left turn into Mercy Memorial’s parking lot making sure that I didn’t loose my grip on the steering wheel. Since it was early in the morning, not many people would be there. Most visitors arrived around noon but others were usually patients with short appointments. From coming to the hospital for almost six weeks now, I can say that there are so many things that happen within just a short amount of time. After unbuckling my seat belt, I got out of my car, seeing that once again I had parked in my normal spot near the hospital entrance. The smell of cut grass and trimmed bushed filled my nose. I was oddly comforted by it but the smell was only normal. Just seeing the sight of the towering hospital made me feel as if I had shrunk. The building was tall and many different shades of grey and brown that could only remind me of my days at the beach baking in the hot sun. I walked in the double door of the hospital only to be greeted by nurse Julie. Almost every night she would pull through with the graveyard shift and leave as soon as I’d arrive. Every once in a while she would help Dr. Chase out with my treatment and she’d be very worried about my condition.
“Morning Blake!”
I looked up ahead at Dr. Chase who had swung around the corner holding a small pile of charts in one hand and coffee in the other.
“Morning Doc.” I spoke as cheerfully as I could but my body felt very limp.
“Blake you’re looking thinner than usual. Have you been keeping up with your appetite lately?” He asked, gesturing for me to follow him back down the corridor.
“I haven’t really been having an appetite lately. I’ve been eating little, well actually less than usual. Lillian did take notice of my clothes not fitting like how they used to. I really didn’t take notice myself.”
“Well, Dr. Delaney will be giving you your physical while I retrieve your results from the lab. After she’s done then we will start talking tissue samples from your heart, spinal cord, and liver.”
I looked at Dr. Chase and sighed. Last week I nearly went into skeptic shock because of the lumbar puncture I received too early. Luckily, the marking for the timing was corrected so instead of collapsing into a week long coma, I had difficulties swallowing for a few days. After a moment, I found myself walking along the lonely corridor with Dr. Chase following in front of my. Not many nurses and doctors were on call like I expected but today seemed utterly different. I took a deep breath as we entered the Cytology ward. Shelly Delaney, the medium height doctor who had been friends with my wife for many years stood by checking over chart. Her long auburn hair was in a ponytail bouncing off her shoulders and her face was a freckly as usual. She turned toward Dr. Chase and I only to shed me a look of surprise and mass concern.
“Blake!” She gasped aloud. She came up to me and hugged me but as she did it felt as though she were breaking my ribs in the process.
“It’s good to see you too Shelly.” I spoke in a gasp as I felt the air leave my body. She then let go of me and glanced over at Dr. Chase. Finally I could breathe again.
“Dr. Delaney I’ll return within a few moments. I have to go retrieve his test results from the lab. It shouldn’t take long but it might since Dr. Chou is still working on observation.”
“Okay.”
I watched as Dr. Chase walked away in a quickly manner. Shelly took me by my arm and led me into her office. I took a seat on the examination table an took a deep breath. Shelly closed the door and turned to face me. Her eyes were filled with sadness but her smile supposedly said that she was happy or trying to keep herself looking that way for her patients.
“So Blake, has there been any change since your last treatment?” she asked with her voice calming to the normal level of speech in which she spoke in.
“Just tiredness and nothing else of which I can think of.” I said even though I knew I wasn’t being honest. I was being as honest as I could because this was actually the first time I mentioned my insomnia to my doctors. I felt guilty from holding back but I knew that they already knew.
“I already know you’re tired and suffering from insomnia but is there something bothering you?”
I had no idea what she was talking about but after feeling her hand enter my shirt and the cold metal of her stethoscope press up against my back, I calmed and took a deep breath for her. I thought carefully about what I was suppose to say or how to respond to what she was asking. I could only respond to her physical examination of my body and hope that she would give me an explanation. Unfortunately, that did not happen.
“You’re having trouble breathing. Have you encountered any loss of breath lately?”
“No actually I haven’t experienced that. It’s never occurred to me that I might’ve been loosing breath.” I answered in a calm matter. I could only think of feeling weaker than I normally do but with my disorder I should be feeling weaker everyday now.
“Hmm… that’s a little odd. I’ll have to get a stress test done later. Right now I need you to strip down to your trunks and step on the scale. I’ll step out the room to give you some privacy.”
Dr. Delaney left the room leaving me to undress. I slid myself up from the examination table and began to unbutton my shirt. Every last physical I’ve ever had never usual resulted in me having to do a stress test but maybe my breathing was fainter than usual. After a few minuets, I was peeling off my pants. I felt a cool gush of air hit my bare body, making me flinch and possible freeze up slightly. Setting my pants on the examination table, I looked around to see Dr. Delaney coming back into the room. She looked as if something had happened for she no longer bore a smile on her face. When her eyes met mine, her face crumpled into a slight smile and then a frown. I could see her starring at me as if I were some sort of freak or something. I felt as if the world was about to crumble around me, taking me out into the most infinite death the world has ever seen.
“Can you step on the scale behind you for me please, I need to take your weight Blake.” She spoke with much more softness in her voice but I didn’t mind. My physical today was different from any other. I felt as though I didn’t belong to the earth’s cradling arms any more, as if I were some extraterrestrial from mars. My body went limp when I stepped on the scale. Shelly came up in front of me and began to take my weight. I watched carefully as her hands slid across the scale weights, her fingers hit the one-twenty marking point. A gasp escaped from my lips.
“That can’t be right!” I panicked. A heaving spoon of fright ran up my spine and locked itself within the chambers of my brain. It was only that last week, my weight was one-forty which was only telling my doctors that I was gaining back my weight. However seeing my results now made me feel as though all the food I was eating wasn’t enough to please my doctors. I had lost twenty pounds within a minimum of a week. I was afraid, showing fear in one of my weakest moments was killing me and yet I was still feeling week. I could never stop feeling weak. Weakness, like Lillian had told me, was my strength.
“I’m afraid it is Blake. You lost twenty pounds less instead of gaining five pounds more like we’ve predicted. Seeing that this has happened, I can only assume that your condition is getting worse, or your body is burning fat like crazy. Though, I’m not one to judge just yet.”
I got off the scale and onto the floor, letting the cool, hard tile floor kiss my feet in a gentle sensation. I looked at Shelly and tried to smile but even my brain was too weak to send the signals of sensation to all part of my body.
“I’ve followed my diet, I’ve tried to get more exercise, and yet my body is too tired. I don’t think I can do this anymore. I want to live but not if my body is going to give out on me within a matter of weeks.”
“Stop it,” She said softly. “Your body is not going to give out on you within weeks. I know its hard…”
“You don’t understand. I live in fear everyday and it’s hard seeing my wife trying to take care of me in my time of need. I feel as though I’m the most helpless person in the world. You don’t know what it’s like.” I snapped back. Guilt settled inside of my chest and stomach the moment I ended my last sentence. “I’m sorry…”
“It’s okay. It’s good to let out what you’re feeling and not to keep it bottled up inside of you. I may not understand what you’re going through but you’re actually one of my first patients to be going through something like this. I’m sorry if you’re not responding to your body as you would have been expected to but these things happen. Right now, let’s focus on how you’re feeling at this very moment. I’m ready to take you down to cardiology for a stress test whenever you are, but Dr. Chase was suppose to be back here with the results.”
I’m ready, I thought carefully pulling myself together and regaining whatever was left of my composure. Barely. I barely had even enough of that to keep me from paying someone to put me out of my misery. In fact, life for me has been miserable ever since I entered high school. Though, that’s a different story, something that has to do with my life in the past. I glanced over at Shelly and nodded my head. Despite the feeling of guilt still overpowering my body I wanted to be as close to my doctor’s as possible because I had no idea what would happen to me if I wasn’t.
Dr. Chase stood in the lab next to Mercy Memorial’s top Cytologist Dr. Andrew Hoffman. He was a German engineer and scientist who was on the verge of studying how cancerous cells in the body can bring down immunity in most affected children and adults. Right about now, his research focused more on Blake’s condition than anything else.
“Dr. Hoffman, what do you mean we will need to take blood again?” Dr. Chase asked when the short, multicolored blonde doctor turned his head and handed him a think manila folder.
“I don’t mean it like that but I must say, his cells aren’t able to reproduce new and healthy ones toward the body’s functions. The white blood cells are taking out old cells that aren’t doing much but wasting away inside of him. As the cells die off, mitosis doesn’t take place and degeneration starts. It’s happening in almost every part of his body which will soon lead to multi organ failure and possibly difficulty with the nervous system.” Dr. Hoffman said, his voice heavy with the beauty of his native language.
“We need to figure out what’s wrong with him. He’s only twenty-five years old and this kind of thing is happening to him. I’m not sure but we may have to bring in worldly physicians. If his condition continues to become worse than what it already is, then I’ll have no choice but to keep him in the hospital.” Dr. Chase stopped talking an thought for a moment. “What it his white blood cells start taking out themselves?”
“Then we will have no choice but to quarantine him at all cost of his life. If he is left without an autoimmune system then something as simple as the common cold could kill him.”
For a moment, Dr. Chase felt as if he was about to give up on his patient but he knew that it was only the beginning of something challenging for his sake. He was determined to save this man even if it would cost him his very job and social life. He lifted his head and looked at Andrew Hoffman, feeling slightly hopeful again.
“I have a plan, but now I need to get the results down to Dr. Delaney. I’ll be back as soon as I can.”
Running for a very long time can tire someone out but for me, every minuet I ran felt as if I were loosing consciousness. Taking a stress test was something I hadn’t done since last month when the doctors first discovered my illness. However back then it wasn’t as difficult to withstand. Right now I was trying to slow down to catch my breath but every ounce of it was being drained from my lungs. I looked over at Dr. Delaney who was watching me closely and jotting down notes on her clipboard. She never looked up at me once since the test began and it seemed as though I had been running for ages too long to date back to.
“Blake?” She called out to me to stop but I couldn’t.
Over the time that I had been running I had lost sensation in my legs. As my chest grew heavier I tried to respond to her voice only to find everything going dark and the lights becoming invisible to me. What was going on.
“Honey, I’m hear for you…”
Lillian. My wife’s voice awoke me even thought just hearing her made me tense up. I opened my eyes, seeing that I was lying in bed unable to move, I looked right at her. She shed no tears but I could tell that she, at some point was crying. I couldn’t feel the right side of my body and some parts of my left but I knew that I was still alive and that was all that mattered right now.
“Lillian…” I whispered with a heavy sigh controlling my breathing.
“Shhh…don’t speak.” she said to me but I had to ignore that.
“I can’t do that. I need feel as though I’m still alive. Whatever is happening to me I want to get through it no matter what.”
I didn’t say anymore. I was feeling weaker than ever. I didn’t want to be awake right now but I had to. I needed to make sure that I wasn’t dead. Dr. Delaney soon came in the room with Dr. Chase. I watched as they entered silently but it was only Dr. Chase who flashed me a gentle smile.
“You gave us quite a scare Blake. Can you remember anything of what happened?” he asked as he walked over to my side. He stared up at the monitor and then down at me, still casting me a comforting smile that I would usually receive from my wife. This isn’t real, I thought carefully when I glanced back at my wife. I noticed that her hair wasn’t the graceful auburn that it usually was but something more like a brunette.
“Blake can you hear me? Blake!”
Instead it was Dr. Delaney’s voice that called out to me this time. I opened my eyes, trying to keep my breathing at minimum.
“Dr. Delaney…” I whispered trying to move but I couldn’t gather the strength to move at all.
“Don’t move, I have to go get a nurse. Your breathing isn’t all that stable and I need to treat it. Blake, are you still with me?!”
I was fading away. My body felt as if the entire world had come crashing down on me. I watched as Dr. Delaney took my pulse. A worried expression of guilt fumbled upon her face and her hand slipped across my chest. I could no longer breath. It was tiring me out and how, I couldn’t even describe. After closing my eyes, I heard her.
“Blake! Buddy stay with me!”
“Blake, if you can hear me, I need you to open your eyes…”
“Dr. Chase…”
“He’s awake, Lillian he’s regained consciousness.”
I opened my eyes only to meet Dr. Chase’s and Lillian’s beautiful green ones. I blinked until my vision became perfectly clear. After a brief moment, I became aware that I had been put in a hospital room for treatment but judging by the night sky that shimmered from the moonlight of the room window, I had been out of it for a while.
“Oh thank god,” Lillian cried out as she squeeze my right arm. I noticed that an intravenous line was protruding from my mid arm. “You left my in tears Blake.”
“I’m sorry.” I spoke in a whisper. I could barely talk or maintain my breathing as it was/ my lungs felt like mush and every other part of my body felt as though my DNA had been replaced with gelatin. I was too weak to even shift my weight to and even comfortable position and just lying here made me realize that I might just be in the hospital for longer than expected. I was ill but this time I was slowly dying.
“Lillian, visitation hours are over but before you leave, will you please meet with Dr. Hoffman in Cytology please.” Dr. Chase stated to her. I noticed how calm he was but for the first time in ever, his skin complexion was pale. I felt Lillian run her hand through my hair before turning to look at Dr. Chase.
“Goodnight Blake,” She said to me. “I’ll see you tomorrow Dr. Chase. Please call me if something happens.”
“As always Lillian.”
She departed from my side
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