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 Posted: Wed Jul 22, 2009 9:56 am
Hello again, everyone! whee Yesterday, I posted chapter 4 of my novel (which is no longer called Moonlight, I've called it One Star now), because I wanted to get some much needed help with romance. I rewrote it this morning (yes, and entire chapter), and I want to know if it's better. You can read the first version here> http://www.gaiaonline.com/guilds/viewtopic.php?t=16228875. Now, if you've read it, can you read the new version below, and critique? Thank you. I need to know if I've got any better. Chapter Four - When will you return?
Vera was keeping guard in the night. Crouching by the girl’s sleeping body, she was alert for any sense of danger. Ready to leap into action in any situation, Vera twitched with anticipation. She hated night duty. She always felt on edge in the darkness, feeling like something was hiding, about to pounce. So when her heightened senses detected a figure moving in the distance, Vera immediately bent into the crouch position, ready to pounce on the enemy.
When she picked up the scent, she could tell it wasn’t a Werewolf. She pricked up her ears to try and grasp how many of them they were, and discovered only one set of footsteps, and they belonged to a creature on four legs. Quite sure that it was a Lunar Wolf, Vera took a few steps forward. The fuzzy darkness parted, and revealed the wolf.
It was Lacien.
Her heart skipped a beat as she let down her guard. Vera was so happy to see him again; he looked even more handsome than before. His pale green fur seemed fluffier than usual, and his eyes sparkled like emeralds. His soft darker green patches seemed to blend seamlessly in with his pale green fur. Vera noticed he had a bandage over his tail, but she knew his power crystals, his emeralds, would be glinting green underneath. Vera dearly hoped that he would be able to stay longer than before his last mission, for it had been months since they had last met.
Vera stared, transfixed, as he advanced, bounding up towards her. Vera could not bear to wait any longer; she abandoned her post and ran towards him. As they got closer, Vera was horrified to see that he had a large, leafy bag slung over his back, the bag Vera sacrificed her crystals for. Vera saddened as she recalled reciting the spell to remove her sapphire crystals. They had once formed tiny sapphire anklets around her legs, but now they were on Lacien’s clasp. Vera couldn’t help smiling, though, when she remembered how happy he was, for his smiling face was worth more than all the crystals in the world.
“Lacien!” she cried, leaping towards him, almost knocking him over in her haste.
Nuzzling her on the check, he whispered, “Oh, Vera…,”
Immediately Vera sensed something was wrong. Lacien seemed… withdrawn. Vera hated to see him worried. As she glanced at his bag, Vera realised this was no visit. Something was wrong. Something was very wrong. He…couldn’t be leaving. Not straight away.
Clutching him tighter, she asked, “What is it? What’s wrong?”
Squeezing her back, he said, “I’m leaving.”
Vera’s stomach twisted.
“No! Not again! When will they realise all these missions are too danger-,” Vera had intended to say more, but Lacien touched her gently with his paw. He gestured towards the girl, who had stirred, and the other sleeping Lunar Wolves. Vera understood; ‘top secret business’.
Sighing, though she was still protesting inside, Vera said, “When will you return?”
“They do not know… I am tracking a certain Werewolf, so who knows how long I will be. Maybe months, or maybe weeks,” Lacien said. Seeing her eyes fill with tears, he quickly added, “I’m sorry Vera. You know I don’t like this as much as you do…,”
Tears running down her cheeks, Vera sobbed, “I understand. Its just… I hate it when you leave. You could die and I- I-,”
“But I won’t die. I will return, as I always do,” his paws softly wiped her tears away. Vera buried her head in his fur, begging him to stay, stay with her.
“But what if you don’t!” Vera cried, clinging to him. “I will see this so-called ‘Boss’ of yours, and tell him to stop this! You can’t keep putting yourself in danger!”
“But you can’t Vera… I’m sorry. I know how you feel, and I can help. I- brought you this,” Lacien produced a leafy package from his bag.
Vera sniffed, fighting back tears, and clung to the package. Unwrapping the gift, she gasped. It was a rose. But the most beautiful rose she had ever seen. It’s delicate petals were the purest white, and it was shaped perfectly, not a leaf nor petal out of place. But the tips were rimmed with emerald gems, all neatly placed around the edges of the petals, turning it into a true beauty. Lacien had picked well. Roses were her favourite flower, and the emeralds would remind her of him. Vera smiled weakly. Just like Lacien’s power crystals…
That was when she realised. The bandage; his crystals.
On the rose, were his power crystals.
Vera gasped in horror. It was acceptable for a female to sacrifice their power crystals, as Vera had done, but unthinkable for a male. For a female, it was a sign of duty, and loyalty to their mate. For a male, however, it showed weakness, and sacrificed all the respect that they had once earned. Vera knew how significant this was, and she hated how Lacien would be treated because of it.
Because of her.
“Lacien… your power crystals!” Vera protested, trying to tear them off the rose and back onto his tail. She realised her paws were useless. The power crystals were somehow protecting the rose from damage.
“That doesn’t matter. All that matters to me… is you,” Lacien stopped her with a gentle touch and licked her gently on the cheek.
Vera’s heart fluttered, and she could feel her cheeks flushing furiously, but she didn’t care. Gazing into Lacien’s eyes, she leaned towards him, and returned his lick, with one of her own. She could sense Lacien’s heart beating faster than usual, and his eyes clouded over dreamily. And as they gazed into each others eyes, the sapphires on his bag and the emeralds on her rose, began to glow.
Vera and Lacien stepped back in alarm, until they realised what was happening. They had proved their affection was stronger than ever and now, it was the uniting of the hearts. The emeralds and the sapphires pulled towards each other, off the rose and clasp, and floated in the air. They swirled around as if dancing, and united into one large turquoise gem. There was a flash of blinding light and the small gems returned to the rose and clasp. Yet the large gem was still there. It was shaped like a diamond. Vera and Lacien thought it was over, and stepped forward, but there was another flash, and the gem had split itself in half. The two halves floating on mid-air, one floated towards Vera, and the other, Lacien. And the glowing died down, and they both had half a turquoise diamond on their foreheads.
For a Lunar Wolf, that was like marriage.
As Vera gazed at the turquoise gem on Lacien’s forehead, and as Lacien gazed at hers, she realised the truth in what Lacien had said. Now, they were more than mates. They were partners. Now they had to serve and protect one another. It was true, now their first priority was each other. Now they both had each others powers on their foreheads. Now, they both had power crystals once more.
“Thank you Lacien… I- I’m sorry. I- I don’t know what to say…,” Vera stuttered, lost for words.
“I’ll say it for you,” Lacien gazed at her.
They locked eyes.
“I love you,” Lacien smiled.
“I love you!” Vera repeated, flinging her front legs around him.
And so they leaned against one another, treasuring the others company, until the sun began to rise. How long for, they did not know.
“Vera… I have to go,” Lacien pulled away reluctantly, his eyes full of resent.
“I- I hate to be parted… but… you must… goodbye,” Vera tried to smile encouragingly, but couldn’t.
“Goodbye… I will miss you,” Lacien began to back away, for he feared that is he stayed any longer, he wouldn’t be able to bring himself to leave.
“And I you. Goodbye!” Vera called out into the distance, as Lacien bounded away, tears stinging her eyes. Vera found tears rolling down her cheek, but she didn’t hide them. She muttered a few prayers for Lacien’s health, before resuming her post. As she gazed into the sunrise, she dropped the rose from her teeth and looked at it in her paws.
Lacien had long gone.
But she still had a part of him.
And so she hooked the rose around her left ear, and vowed to wear it each day, and each night.
For him.
And then the forest began to rise.I, personally, think it's much better. But, after all, I thought it was fine to begin with. I might have just made it worse sweatdrop
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Posted: Wed Jul 22, 2009 12:14 pm
I think you've done a GREAT job of improving it. It's much more fluid and dramatic. I definitely get a better mental picture of Vera and Lacien's characters. Their parting tugs on the heartstrings more, and I get a better feel for the circomstances that surround their relationship. It makes me eager to read more so that I can find out what happens to them!
Good work! 4laugh
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Posted: Wed Jul 22, 2009 12:19 pm
Yay! whee
Thanks for all the help, or I'd never have improved it 3nodding
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Posted: Thu Jul 23, 2009 4:01 pm
Too bad I couldn't help but I gotta say, I like the new title cuz it help people to not be confused. I mean, I saw a TV series called Moonlight and even though I haven't seen the movie with the same name, I'm sure some are bound to be confused, right?
I'll give it a read sometime later, ok?
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Posted: Fri Jul 24, 2009 11:32 am
hypnocrown Too bad I couldn't help but I gotta say, I like the new title cuz it help people to not be confused. I mean, I saw a TV series called Moonlight and even though I haven't seen the movie with the same name, I'm sure some are bound to be confused, right? I'll give it a read sometime later, ok? Yeah, I saw the TV series too. I've a feeling that it's the same as the book, because it looks like a vampire type of thing. And sure. Take your time 3nodding
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Posted: Tue Jul 28, 2009 11:14 am
Oh, so you saw the TV series? Cool! I liked them mostly cuz of the character known as Beth. The actress is really pretty! 3nodding
Thanks! I swear I'll make some time for it cuz I'm not sure I'll have any today.
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