Welcome to Gaia! ::

Well, hello whee
In chapter four of my novel, Moonlight (fantasy/adventure genre), I switch from my main character to a sub-character's point of view. It doesn't seem to reveal much at the time apart from the fact Vera has a boyfriend, but it links in to the story later. My problem is writing romance. It's hard. You have to think about every single word to make sure it sounds like they're in love. I need help on this.

I should probably mention that these characters are wolves, so if an action sounds wierd, tell me.

Chapter Four - When will you return?

Vera was keeping guard in the night. Crouching by the girl’s sleeping body, she was alert for any sense of danger. Ready to leap into action in any situation, Vera twitched with anticipation. She hated night duty. She always felt on edge in the darkness, feeling like something was hiding, about to pounce. So when her heightened senses detected a figure moving in the distance, Vera immediately bent into the crouch position, ready to pounce on the enemy.
Instead of an enemy, she found Lacien.
Her heart skipped a beat as she rose out of her crouch. Lacien… oh, how handsome he looked. His pale green fur, so fluffy and soft… and his eyes, how they sparkled like emeralds, how they showed his love. Nothing in the world was more wonderful than he, his pale green fur flecked with gentle darker green patches. And his power crystals, his emerald gems, arching up his slender, elegant tail, always glowed with his kindness. Oh… how she loved him, how she longed to be with him.
Vera stared on her love, as he bounded up towards her, his eyes glinting green in the moonlight. It was not long before she abandoned her post to run towards him. As she got closer, she was shocked to find he had a large, leafy bag slung over his back, his precious one. Vera could remember making the clasp. She saddened as she recalled sacrificing her sapphire power crystals for his clasp. But she brightened as she remembered how happy he looked, for his smiling face was worth more than all the crystals in the world.
“Lacien!” she cried, leaping to embrace him.
Reaching out to hold her close, he whispered, “Oh, Vera…,”
Immediately Vera sensed something was wrong. Lacien seemed… withdrawn. Vera hated to see him worried. As she glanced at his bag, Vera realised this was no visit. Something was wrong. Something was very wrong.
Clutching him tighter, she asked, “What is it? What’s wrong?”
Squeezing her back, he said, “I’m leaving.”
Vera’s stomach twisted.
“No! Not again! When will they realise all these missions are too danger-,” Vera had intended to say more, but Lacien had his paw over her mouth. He gestured towards the girl, who had stirred, and the other sleeping Lunar Wolves. Vera understood; ‘top secret business’.
Sighing, Vera said, “When will you return?”
“They do not know… I am tracking a certain Werewolf, so who knows how long I will be. May be months, or may be weeks,” Lacien said. Seeing her eyes fill with tears, he quickly added, “I’m sorry Vera. You know I don’t like this as much as you do…,”
Tears running down her cheeks, Vera sobbed, “I understand. Its just… I hate it when you leave. You could die and I- I-,”
“But I won’t die. I will return, as I always do,” he wiped her tears away affectionately. Vera buried her head in his fur, begging him to stay, stay with her.
“But what if you don’t!” Vera cried, clinging to him. “I will see this so-called ‘Boss’ of yours, and tell him to stop this! You can’t keep putting yourself in danger!”
“But you can’t Vera… I’m sorry. I know how you feel, and I can help. I- brought you this,” Lacien produced a leafy package from his bag.
Vera sniffed, fighting back tears, and clung to the package. Unwrapping the gift, she gasped. It was a rose. But the most beautiful rose she had ever seen. It’s delicate petals were the purest white, and it was shaped perfectly, not a leaf nor petal out of place. But the tips were rimmed with emerald gems, all neatly placed around the edges of the petals, turning it into a true beauty. Lacien had picked well. Roses were her favourite flower, and the emeralds would remind her of him. Vera smiled weakly. Just like Lacien’s power crystals…
That was when she realised all the gems on his tail were missing.
They were his power crystals.
Vera gasped in horror. It was acceptable for a female to sacrifice their power crystals, as Vera had done, but unthinkable for a male. For a female, it was a sign of duty, and loyalty to their mate. For a male, however, it showed weakness, and sacrificed all the respect that they had once earned. Vera knew how significant this was, and she hated how Lacien would be treated because of it.
Because of her.
“Lacien… your power crystals!” Vera protested, trying to tear them off the rose and back onto his tail.
“That doesn’t matter. All that matters to me… is you,” Lacien stopped her with a gentle touch and nudged her on the cheek with his nose, with the wolf equivalent to a kiss.
Vera’s heart fluttered, and she could feel her cheeks flushing furiously, but she didn’t care. Gazing into Lacien’s eyes, she leaned towards him, and returned his peck, with one of her own. She could sense Lacien’s heart beating faster than usual, and his eyes clouded over dreamily. And then they both made their move, and their noses touched.
For a Lunar Wolf, that was like marriage.
They both retreated dreamily, their eyes still locked and bursting with love, before they realised the full extent of what they had done. Vera diverted her gaze and looked down at her rose. She realised the truth in what Lacien had said. Now, for them both, they had to protect each other with their lives.
“Thank you Lacien… I- I’m sorry. I- I don’t know what to say…,” Vera stuttered, lost for words.
“I’ll say it for you,” Lacien gazed at her.
They locked eyes.
“I love you,” Lacien smiled.
“I love you!” Vera repeated, flinging her front legs around him.
They embraced until the sun began to rise. How long for, they did not know.
“Vera… I have to go,” Lacien pulled away reluctantly, his eyes full of resent.
“I- I hate to be parted… but… you must… goodbye,” Vera tried to smile encouragingly, but couldn’t.
“Goodbye… I will miss you,” Lacien began to back away, for he feared that is he stayed any longer, he wouldn’t be able to bring himself to leave.
“And I you. Goodbye!” Vera called out into the distance, as Lacien bounded away, tears stinging her eyes. Vera found tears rolling down her cheek, but she didn’t hide them. She muttered a few prayers for Lacien’s health, before resuming her post. As she gazed into the sunrise, she looked at the rose in her paws.
Lacien had long gone.
But she still had a part of him.
And so she hooked the rose around her left ear, and vowed to wear it each day, and each night.
For him.
And then the forest began to rise.

What do you think? Be as harsh a critic as you like, anything that bothers you at all, however slight. I really need opinions, so I really don't care even if you say it's the worst thing you've ever read (okay, maybe I would care if you said that). Thank you 3nodding

You said be harsh, so here I am! ^_^*

Regarding romance, you don't really need to make sure every word says "LOVE." Forcing it will drain your chemistry, and chemistry is the key! Ever read a book where you just know two characters like each other, but that isn't actually revealed until later in the story? Chemistry. Let the romance flow naturally, with care, consideration, teasing, touching, glances and so forth. It doesn't take much to make it obvious they're into each other.

Also, one of the biggest flaws in your writing is that you are having wolves do lots of human things. It's hard to imagine a wolf embracing or whiping away tears unless you add more description on how. For an embrace, do they circle each other and nuzzle ears and faces affectionately? Or are they rearing up on 2 paws to slap each other on the back? I exaggerate for comic effect, but you get the idea.

I added some comments to your story in red. Hope it's helpful!

------------------------------------

Vera was keeping guard in the night. Crouching by the girl’s sleeping body, she was alert for any sense of danger. Ready to leap into action in any situation, Vera twitched with anticipation. She hated night duty. She always felt on edge in the darkness, feeling like something was hiding, about to pounce. So when her heightened senses detected a figure moving in the distance, Vera immediately bent into the crouch position, ready to pounce on the enemy.
Instead of an enemy, she found Lacien. (How did she find him? Did she catch his scent? Did she creep up on him? Did he approach her? Obviously she wasn’t expecting him, so where did she think he was?)
Her heart skipped a beat as she rose out of her crouch. Lacien… oh, how handsome he looked. His pale green fur, so fluffy and soft… and his eyes, how they sparkled like emeralds, how they showed his love. Nothing in the world was more wonderful than he, his pale green fur flecked with gentle darker green patches. And his power crystals, his emerald gems, arching up his slender, elegant tail, always glowed with his kindness. Oh… how she loved him, how she longed to be with him. (The “Oh how’s” are a little much. ^_^* Here would be a good spot to describe how long it had been since she saw him last, what terms they parted on, and that sort of thing. This would lead in nicely to their parting, and add passion to Vera’s protests.)
Vera stared on her love, as he bounded up towards her, his eyes glinting green in the moonlight. It was not long before she abandoned her post to run towards him. (Is she just bounding a few feet or is she leaving the girl totally out of sight?) As she got closer, she was shocked to find he had a large, leafy bag slung over his back, his precious one. (his precious what? Back? Bag?) Vera could remember making the clasp. She saddened as she recalled sacrificing her sapphire power crystals for his clasp. But she brightened as she remembered how happy he looked, for his smiling face was worth more than all the crystals in the world.
“Lacien!” she cried, leaping to embrace him.
Reaching out to hold her close, he whispered, “Oh, Vera…,” (How does a wolf reach? Would he nuzzle or circle or leap on her or something?)
Immediately Vera sensed something was wrong. Lacien seemed… withdrawn. Vera hated to see him worried. As she glanced at his bag, Vera realised this was no visit. Something was wrong. Something was very wrong.
Clutching him tighter, she asked, “What is it? What’s wrong?”
Squeezing her back, he said, “I’m leaving.” (Leaving the territory? the continent? The world? Definitely something to add if not here then later on. How long has it been since his last mission? What’s the significance of HIM going as opposed to another wolf?)
Vera’s stomach twisted.
“No! Not again! When will they realise all these missions are too danger-,” Vera had intended to say more, but Lacien had his paw over her mouth. (Maybe he could silence her with a kiss?) He gestured towards the girl, who had stirred, and the other sleeping Lunar Wolves. Vera understood; ‘top secret business’.
Sighing, Vera said, “When will you return?”
“They do not know… I am tracking a certain Werewolf, so who knows how long I will be. May be months, or may be weeks,” (Either “It may be…or Maybe) Lacien said. Seeing her eyes fill with tears, he quickly added, “I’m sorry Vera. You know I don’t like this as much as you do…,”
Tears running down her cheeks, Vera sobbed, “I understand. Its just… I hate it when you leave. You could die and I- I-,”
“But I won’t die. I will return, as I always do,” he wiped her tears away affectionately. (He’s very dexterous for a wolf; did he use his paw or nose?) Vera buried her head in his fur, begging him to stay, stay with her.
“But what if you don’t!” Vera cried, clinging to him. “I will see this so-called ‘Boss’ of yours, and tell him to stop this! You can’t keep putting yourself in danger!”
“But you can’t Vera… I’m sorry. I know how you feel, and I can help. I- brought you this,” Lacien produced a leafy package from his bag.
Vera sniffed, fighting back tears, and clung to the package. Unwrapping the gift, she gasped. It was a rose. But the most beautiful rose she had ever seen. It’s delicate petals were the purest white, and it was shaped perfectly, not a leaf nor petal out of place. But the tips were rimmed with emerald gems, all neatly placed around the edges of the petals, turning it into a true beauty. Lacien had picked well. Roses were her favourite flower, and the emeralds would remind her of him. Vera smiled weakly. Just like Lacien’s power crystals…
That was when she realised all the gems on his tail were missing. (In the description above, he had gems. You might want to edit her description of him.)
They were his power crystals. (The rose gems? Please be more specific; it will add power to the statement.)
Vera gasped in horror. It was acceptable for a female to sacrifice their power crystals, as Vera had done, but unthinkable for a male. For a female, it was a sign of duty, and loyalty to their mate. For a male, however, it showed weakness, and sacrificed all the respect that they had once earned. Vera knew how significant this was, and she hated how Lacien would be treated because of it.
Because of her.
“Lacien… your power crystals!” Vera protested, trying to tear them off the rose and back onto his tail. (Is she tearing with paws or teeth or just mushing the rose on his tail? Wouldn’t that destroy the rose? Or is the rose indestructible? I would think she’d hate to destroy his last gift to her.)
“That doesn’t matter. All that matters to me… is you,” Lacien stopped her with a gentle touch and nudged her on the cheek with his nose, with the wolf equivalent to a kiss.
Vera’s heart fluttered, and she could feel her cheeks flushing furiously, but she didn’t care. Gazing into Lacien’s eyes, she leaned towards him, and returned his peck (remove “,” and maybe “peck” isn’t the right word…at least for a wolf.) with one of her own. She could sense Lacien’s heart beating faster than usual, and his eyes clouded over dreamily. And then they both made their move, and their noses touched.
For a Lunar Wolf, that was like marriage.
They both retreated dreamily, their eyes still locked and bursting with love, before they realised the full extent of what they had done. Vera diverted her gaze and looked down at her rose. She realised the truth in what Lacien had said. Now, for them both, they had to protect each other with their lives. (It seems that noses could touch casually or accidentally. Also, the image you describe is more like a French kiss. razz If they’re going to “elope” Lunar wolf style, maybe it would involve something a little more permanent or powerful. An exchange of crystals or something. But then I’m not sure how your power crystals work yet.)
“Thank you Lacien… I- I’m sorry. I- I don’t know what to say…,” Vera stuttered, lost for words.
“I’ll say it for you,” Lacien gazed at her.
They locked eyes.
“I love you,” Lacien smiled.
“I love you!” Vera repeated, flinging her front legs around him.
They embraced until the sun began to rise. How long for, they did not know. (“Embraced?” Hmm…are you trying to be risqué or are they just spending their last moments together like humans would?)
“Vera… I have to go,” Lacien pulled away reluctantly, his eyes full of resent.
“I- I hate to be parted… but… you must… goodbye,” Vera tried to smile encouragingly, but couldn’t.
“Goodbye… I will miss you,” Lacien began to back away, for he feared that is he stayed any longer, he wouldn’t be able to bring himself to leave.
“And I you. Goodbye!” Vera called out into the distance, as Lacien bounded away, tears stinging her eyes. Vera found tears rolling down her cheek, but she didn’t hide them. She muttered a few prayers for Lacien’s health, before resuming her post. As she gazed into the sunrise, she looked at the rose in her paws. (how would she carry the rose from one place to another if she needs to walk on 4 paws?)
Lacien had long gone.
But she still had a part of him.
And so she hooked the rose around her left ear, and vowed to wear it each day, and each night.
For him.
And then the forest began to rise. (are you talking about levitating trees or just the flora and fauna coming out with the sun?)

I know where he's going is a secret, but where did he come from? What was he doing? How did he and Vera meet? There are so many little things that you can add to this romantic fire to make it burn even brighter! I'm so excited for it! ^_^

The whole nose-touch/kissing marriage thing just seems very informal and rather anti-climatic. From reading the chapter, I'd say the uniting of hearts was the big moment and should be hammed up a little. I mean, even humans give engagement and wedding rings.

Could there be a uniting of crystals? Her sapphire and his green to make a strange and unique turquoise gem? I don't know if that will work; I'm just throwing out random ideas. I won't be offended if you totally reject them. ^_^