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 Posted: Sat Nov 19, 2005 1:11 am
It's over.
The most significant relationship I've ever had is done.
You know, I feel like s**t when i can be bothered to feel anything at all.
I knew it was a mistake to fall in love after two failed engagements...but I did anyway.
Stupid, stupid: I got burned again. And you know what galls me the most? I still ********' love her. And she says she loves me too. It's just that I'm too rude, sarcastic, immature, and that I'm too cruel. At least we promised to get back together someday...when both of us have grown a little.
I suppose we do need time apart, but why like this?
Being quite the ardent manwhore, I found another girl and we made out in my car for 30-40 minutes. She knew full damn well how vulnerable I was, and how I felt. And when she was holding my head in her arms, wiping the tears from my face, I thought that she cared.
So today at work, she tells me that she's probably going to get back together with her ex. Way to make me feel like nothing, you ******** whore. And yeah, stand me up when I went out of my way to make plans and make myself look nice for you. I really ******** appreciate that.
I have no friends anymore. David, Kim, Rachael...I can't bear to see them, but they're all I have around here. But to even see them is to remember Ava. Not what I need. My cousin Stacie? Too far away to help me, really.
I would honestly welcome death right now so i wouldn't have to feel again. Not that I'm trying to die or anything, its just that it hurts to live.
I don't really have any motivation, much less faith in any semblance of religion I once had.
I dont know what to do or how to feel...someone just talk to me. Give me any kind of bullshit that will make me feel better. Validation-seeking? Maybe.
But when someone is barely clinging onto life by a slender thread of the remnants of his onetime ego, I would think that it would be perfectly appropriate to do so to keep that person from doing something stupid.
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Posted: Sat Nov 19, 2005 8:48 am
I'd just like to first point out that you can very well feel and you're doing it right now. To recognize that you do feel something is one step closer to feeling something better and to feel something that you would desire feeling. Right now you're probably feeling emotional pain, lost, anger, depression, angst, and maybe a few other ones. So, you can feel something it's just not something that you want to feel.
Secondly, it's a good thing that you're feeling this, despite the "fact" that you might think it's a bad thing right now. When you feel like this it's teaching you how to feel depression and how to feel lost, and that's a good thing because it will help you later on in life. When something like this happens again it won't be as much of a big deal because you will be used to it, so to speak. It does, too, let you know that you cared about her.
Thirdly, it really wasn't a mistake for you, it seems like, to fall in love with her. To say that would denounce every time that you've fallen in love with someone or will fall in love with someone just because it went bad in the end. All relationship go bad in the end, unless you stay with them until death. It sucks right now, obviously, but I don't think it's right to say that it was a mistake. Also, if you say it was a mistake it will make it worst on you because you'll feel worst about yourself that you let yourself go into a mistake of a relationship.
Well, yes, you still love her because you've grown accustom to loving her. I'm assuming that you two just broke up? After every relationship this happens because the person has loved the person for so long, then, in your case, it becomes hard to live without loving them. It's quite common really and there's nothing wrong with that. You'll get used to riding solo again, no worries. It just takes a certain amount of time.
Not to be a let-downer, but the odds of you getting back together after something like this are against you. Might be something that you want to recognize now and deal with before you have to deal with it later on in your life. It might be because she doesn't want to be with you anymore or it might be because you don't really want to be with her anymore. Whatever the reason, the odds are slim.
Well, now, why is that her fault? Is it not your fault for complying with her? There was really not that much of a thing you had going on there, so there's really nothing wrong with her going back to her ex. Just because she went to her ex doesn't mean she doesn't care about you. And, I think you're substituting feelings for your ex to her and you can't do that because it's going to cause problems like the one that you just had.
Death is always something to be welcomed by people, especially in a time of something they do not like occuring. However, you can't make assumptions about death because then death becomes more of an option for you. The bad thing about that is you assume or could be assuming the wrong things about death. How do you know you will feel again in death? What if you don't feel at all? What if you feel shittier during death?
You are very far from death my friend, no worries.
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Posted: Sat Nov 19, 2005 11:28 am
Stop being a 'effin' man whore. That won't help anything.
Seriously.
Also: chicks < life.
Meaning, that chicks and dating aren't the only points to life.
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Posted: Sat Nov 19, 2005 11:48 am
You got over the other ones right? So you will get over this one too. Sure it sucks beyond all reason at this point but you will get over it. But you will have to let her go first. If you keep clinging to the 'We will get back together some day' then the pain will continue for much much longer.
You need to find a girl that wants to be in the same kind of relationship you do. And it's unlikely that this girl will make out with you the first time you meet or do those kinds of thing right away so you might overlook her just because she wants the same thing you want. For a lasting relationship you need to take it slow with the physical stuff and get to know each other intellectually first. It's way too easy to just rely on the 'chemistry' but that gets boring after awhile. You need to develop the long term mental bond first and it doesn't really sound like you've done that. Of course I could easily be wrong. I've only read two of your posts so I'm not the expert on you.
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Posted: Sat Nov 19, 2005 5:38 pm
xLaurelX Stop being a 'effin' man whore. That won't help anything.
Seriously.
Also: chicks < life.
Meaning, that chicks and dating aren't the only points to life. I agree. Couldn't have said it better myself. 3nodding
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Posted: Sat Nov 19, 2005 6:40 pm
xLaurelX Stop being a 'effin' man whore. That won't help anything.
Seriously.
Also: chicks < life.
Meaning, that chicks and dating aren't the only points to life. Excuse me, but when did I give the impression that I was an absolute idiot? Sorry that whatever I said might have given you that impression.
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