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One Jew to notice the light bulb is burnt out;
One Jew to suggest changing it;
One Jew to express hesitation and volunteer to call his rabbi for a ruling on whether it can be changed, whether it can be changed right now, whether it should be changed; whether to use the right hand or the left; whether to use a ladder, chair, stool, or someone taller than oneself to reach it; whether it should be changed by a Jew or a non-Jew; whether the light that burned out was the correct wattage, and what wattage is correct; whether to get incandescent or fluorescent bulbs for replacements; how many replacement/backup bulbs to buy at once ($14 for 6 at Sam's Club, or $3 for one at the regular store); whether to buy a new bulb or use one that's already in the closet, even though that one was once used in a lamp until the lamp broke; what brand is kosher; whether the ruling would be different if the questioner (or the person who owns/rents the house/apartment/room is Sephardi or Ashkenazi, and whether it makes a difference if the place is rented or owned);
Eight rabbis to overhear the question and discuss it to death, coming up with even more questions and difficulties that require them to consult their own ravs, a process that will take at least a week and a half to come to any sort of resolution;
and one woman to roll her eyes and change the dratted thing herself.

The classic and still the best.

Q: How many Hasidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We don't wan't that. We wan't Moshiach's light.

Q. How many Lubabavitchers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, it never died.

Q: How many Orthodox Jews does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Change?

Q: How many Reform Jews does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We don't wan't to change it! We just wan't to improve it.

Q: How many congregants does it take to change a light bulb in a synagogue?
A: CHANGE? You vant we should CHANGE the light bulb? My grandmother donated that light bulb!!!

Q: How many rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Has not yet been determined. They are still searching for a Talmudic reference to light bulb.

Q: How many Messianic "jews" does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They will borrow their neighbor's old bulb, rename it "yeshuvalit" and try to convince everyone else that it's really a new bulb.

Oh, the wonders of the Jewish woman!

When the doctor called Mrs. Liebenbaum to tell her that her check came back, she replied, "So did my arthritis."

A Jewish boy come home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful? What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "You go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

Where does the Jewish husband hide his money from his wife? Under the vacuum cleaner.

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Mother? Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go."

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that it is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backwards is Not Now.

There's big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until after it graduates from medical school.

Why don't Jewish mothers drink? Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"After all that money your father and I spent on braces, that's the
biggest smile you can give us?"

COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER:
"I don't care what you've discovered, you still could have written!"

MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how
hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"All right, if you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket,
take your hand out of there and show me."

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Again with the hat? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other
kids?"

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can
kiss your allowance good-bye!"

THOMAS EDISON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now
turn it off and get to bed!"

PAUL REVERE'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is
past your curfew."

And, of course, these two, who really did have Jewish mothers:

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"But it's your senior picture. Couldn't you do something about your
hair?"

MOSES' JEWISH MOTHER:
"That's a nice story. Now tell me where you've really been for the last
forty years.

Q: What kind of cigarettes do Jewish Mothers smoke?
A: Gefiltered.

Q: What is a genius?
A: An average student with a Jewish Mother.

A young Jewish Mother walks her son to the school bus corner on his first day of kindergarten.
" Behave, my bubaleh" she says. "Take good care of yourself and think about your Mother, tataleh!"
" And come right back home on the bus, schein kindaleh."
"Your Mommy loves you a lot, my ketsaleh!"
At the end of the school day the bus comes back and she runs to her son and hugs him.
" So what did my pupaleh learn on his first day of school?"
The boy answers, "I learned my name is David."

Some Haikus!
Is one Nobel Prize
so much to ask from a child
after all I've done?

Hey! Get back indoors!
Whatever you were doing
could put an eye out.

Testing the warm milk
on her wrist, she beams -- nice, but
her son is forty.