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Tags: writing, artistry, poetry, music, creativity 

Reply Writing - Short Stories, Poetry, etc.
Meant To Be [First Poem]

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How's my first poem? x3
  It's pretty good. [:
  It's ok... :3
  Needs more work... o 3o
  Sorry, no :
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kinderegg_420

Tipsy Fatcat

PostPosted: Mon Jul 13, 2009 5:52 pm


User Image
I wanted to see you today
But when I did, I saw her.
I miss you, you're warm skin
Warm like fur.
When will you see that you're right for me?
When will you notice that she's not who she used to be?
When will you open you're eyes? See the real girl.
Why don't you open them to see me?
Remember that fine day, our feet in the sand.
The first time we met...when I held your hand.
It's clear in my mind, I knew it was true.
That very moment when I saw you.
We fell asleep together, it felt like it'd last forever.
But when I woke up, you were gone.
I was in love with you
And I felt so lost.
I tried to find you, and when I did
I saw her.
She was just a girl.
What did you see in her that you didn't see in me?
Where we really not meant to be?
Let's talk about this, lets get this through
Because I'm in love with you.

That's my first poem o_o
I don't think I did too good, but what do you think? x3
PostPosted: Mon Aug 24, 2009 7:28 pm


Zat............................ was beautiful crying

DawnLii


Avius Puer

PostPosted: Tue Aug 25, 2009 6:31 am


I'll say things in order of how I noticed them;
First thing was that you did it to someone and about a relationship. That immediately turns most writers off.
You used you're not your. You're is you are, you were looking for the possesive.
The fur part was odd to me. It didn't fit with the rest of the poem at all, and instead confused me and took me out of the poem.
The imagery was kind of bland, I think you need to find a few less common adjectives.
The rhyme scheme that you tried using was inconsistant, it is better to not use one at all than to use a broken one.
I like the repetition of "then I saw her." it really pulled the entire poem into a singular being.

As far as I can tell it's not bad for your first poem. But it falls into the cliche of angsty teenage girl poem, which means it's not likely to be taken seriously by many.
PostPosted: Sun Nov 01, 2009 3:38 pm


I liked it mrgreen

Muggle_Monkey

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Writing - Short Stories, Poetry, etc.

 
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