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 Posted: Thu Jun 25, 2009 8:07 pm
I’m too much of a scaredy-cat to take the razors in
Deep enough to penetrate the skin
So in a hush night, I take ink,
Pens, Paint to brush them on
Don’t fret; I just hold the blade for effect
I’m done, and once again back to bed
To be in sleep, I’m filled with dread
But suddenly I get such a treat
In which the dream I have is sweet
I take the knife and plunge it in with strife
After giving sweet gashes all over my arms
I’ve decided to take in death’s garms
Place the tie around my neck, not to tight
God, I’ll look so lovely, but why?
Easily answered- All my life, I’ve been too angered
But I wake up to find, that the D-I-E
Is real, and so I begin to cry
But also that that it wasn’t me
in my so called dreams, so
I go into the doorway to see
That b***h and she’s the one, with
God’s gift of the gallows around her neck,
Glowing brightly, while I wallow
And as always, she’s gone back from being angry
At me, to looking too sweet, and I see-but she can’t-
That I took out her eyes so she won’t see me cry
Because she always would ask me::
“Why do you cry?
When there’s nothing to cry about?”
And then she would respond “I’ll give you something to cry for”
And I weep, weep, and weep…
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I wanted to make a...basically a sequel to my previous poem YOU SPEW OUT ACID, but this didn't turn out the way I really wanted it to, but I'm still satisfied. It was just to vent, really.
I know that near the end the crappy sequence I had goes completely out the window and I stop with my rhyme scheme, but the nice thing about writing is that you don't always have rules to follow you, I guess, huh?
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Posted: Sun Jun 28, 2009 1:19 pm
It was interesting to read, I'm not usually one for the "I hate my life" poetry, but this wasn't that bad. It was mildly original in the story line which made it a lot easier to read.
But some advice, your language was a little generic, and there were places where a better word could be added to make it sound more poetic,
For example: "Pens. Watercolors to brush them on"
If you replace Watercolors with pain, you add that effect of Alliteration and it may sound more poetic, "Pens, Paint to brush them on" And also, most people associate Paint with brushes than Watercolors.
But other than those two little problems this is a very nice piece of work Good Job. C=
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Posted: Sun Jun 28, 2009 4:56 pm
>m< Gosh, I-I tend to do a lot of 'I hate my life' I realized, but it's just how I tend to vent sweatdrop But I'm glad that is wasn't too bad- I just work better with anger sometimes Dx
Yeah, I knew that the Watercolors sounded really off, but I get in a small ditch with some things, and I don't know how to fix- I like 'paint' better though, so thank you a lot! <3 ^-^
I'll go fix that right now too.
Thank you, really. I'm really bad with poetry, but I still like it, and I'm glad for your criticism.
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