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 Posted: Wed Jun 17, 2009 2:42 pm
Is no longer here. I plan on working on it some more.
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Posted: Wed Jun 17, 2009 4:45 pm
Before I'd even finished the first paragraph I had already noticed your fatal mistake. The sentences are far too clipped and simple. You really need to jazz it up with some different sentence structures. Y'know, combine some stuff, change some tenses-- whatever you need to do.
You need to check some of your grammar. You can't start a sentence with "but" or "and".
Also, the beginning is very dry. It really doesn't do anything to catch a reader's attention. Try starting with a noise or some kind of interesting phrase.
Work on that and it could turn out interesting. I would recommend injecting some kind of sarcastic commentary from out heroine. That would definitely make this fun to read.
Good luck!
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