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Arts of the Midnight

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Where time is not a boundary for dreams. 

Tags: arts, painting, music, movies, randomness 

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Something i wrote, would like to know what you think :)

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Petite Punker

PostPosted: Tue Jun 09, 2009 7:21 am


I wrote this a couple of days ago, and i would like to know what you think.
This actually means alot to me, also what do you this this peom means?
smile


All the emotions in my mind
like a prison cell they are trapped in side.

With no were to go and no were to hide
round and around they must stride.

They want to break out, they want to run free,
all they want to do is relieve me.

He comes along, he wants to see,
but my emotions still can't run free.


xo.  
PostPosted: Thu Jun 11, 2009 8:58 am


Very nice! The only critique I can come up with is that the 6th line sounds a little stressed. Keep writing!

hellhound9
Crew


Petite Punker

PostPosted: Fri Jun 12, 2009 2:30 am


hellhound9
Very nice! The only critique I can come up with is that the 6th line sounds a little stressed. Keep writing!


Hmmm...yes i think your right, what would you suggest?
xo.
PostPosted: Fri Jun 12, 2009 11:38 am


Well you could shorten it a syllable or perhaps put a comma in the middle and make the second part longer. You could still have it uneven I'm sure, but you'd probably have to change the words. For exshample: "all they want to do, is give me relief." That's just my personal style though, if that works for you then that's shmashing.

hellhound9
Crew


Petite Punker

PostPosted: Sat Jun 13, 2009 8:53 am


smile
I like your suggestions but i think i like the line "all they want to do is relieve me" the way i wrote it, that way it still rhyms.
xo.
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Creative Criticism

 
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