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 Posted: Sat Jun 06, 2009 9:27 am
Passion's Pride
As I fight an endless fight
My soul takes flight
If we become one I know you shall die
The words you say I deny
The passion I have for you knows no bound
I shed not one tear on this ground
I take you into my arms and hold tight
As I look into the darkness I see a light
I tried so hard to keep you away
I should not love, for worry of betray
We can never be, for it is fate
The fire that resides in the heart must wait
I put down my life for your
As I look into your eyes I see an endless war
I will always be at your side
As time goes by I try to hide my pride
Tears fall from heaven this night
Lets fight this fight, we will pick up our blades and fight I welcome any advice ^_^
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Posted: Sat Jun 06, 2009 7:38 pm
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Posted: Sun Jun 07, 2009 4:20 pm
Justin Greene Quote: As I fight an endless fight My soul takes flight I look above to the skyThe words you say I deny The passion I have for you knows no bound I shed not one tear on this ground The bolded line makes no sense, i mean it does, but it doesn't. I doesn't fit in to the poem, and why are you looking into the sky? That and sky and deny don't rhyme. Find a word that rhymes it. It's messing up the rhythm of the poem. Quote: I take you into my arms and holds tight As I look into the darkness I see a light I tried so hard to keep you away I should not love, for worry of betray We can never be, for it is fate The fire that resides in the heart must wait Your sencod stanza is much better it makes more sense then the first since all ther lines actually fit, unlike the bolded line above in the first. Quote: I put down my life for your As I look into your eyes I see an endless war I will always be at your side The road ahead I see, that you have diedTears fall from heaven this night Even if death has you, I will pick up my blade and fight I am assuming that your should be you. And if so, you and war don't rhyme. If it is supposed to be "your" then it doesn't make much sense since the wording is off. The bolded line is making me think that you have jumped ahead in years and it's not the same time period as it was in the rest of the poem, since you can't actually see the road ahead for the future since it is contantly changing. With all lthat being said, I still think it was a good poem... although i think you could do much better =)
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Posted: Sun Jun 07, 2009 5:38 pm
ya I sorta writ it quick, I have a realy good one but I left it at school, and thanks for your advice
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Posted: Sun Jun 07, 2009 7:17 pm
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Posted: Sun Jun 07, 2009 8:52 pm
^_^ i'll try to post my other one soon
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Posted: Mon Jun 08, 2009 6:11 am
Justin Greene ^_^ i'll try to post my other one soon KK^^ Sounds good... O hey I got a PM.... Sorry kinda random... I'm a bit hyper been eating chocolate and haven't slept last night 6 more days of no sleeping^^
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Posted: Tue Jun 09, 2009 7:05 pm
the poem has been Edited
(lol)
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Posted: Wed Jun 10, 2009 9:23 am
Justin Greene Passion's Pride Quote: As I fight an endless fight My soul takes flight If we become one I know you shall die The words you say I deny The passion I have for you knows no bound I shed not one tear on this ground Die and Deny. I'm sure there are better rhyming words then die and deny. Sure they rhyme... just just slightly Quote: I take you into my arms and hold tight As I look into the darkness I see a lightI tried so hard to keep you away I should not love, for worry of betray We can never be, for it is fate The fire that resides in the heart must wait Honestly I think i t would sound much better if you got rid of the "as" and after darkness add "and" Quote: I put down my life for yourAs I look into your eyes I see an endless war I will always be at your side As time goes by I try to hide my pride Tears fall from heaven this night Lets fight this fight, we will pick up our blades and fight The "your" should be yours and with that being said yours and war don't rhyme Maybe just edited...but I'm gonna critique it... again
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Posted: Wed Jun 17, 2009 2:52 am
I think it's a great poem,
but it sounds a little like fragments.
sorry...
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